The Light After Dusk (BxB)

Chapter 21

"Can you please put the radio in other station?" Pakiusap ko sa dalawang nasa harapan ko.

"Can you please stop spoiling our music, Yco?" Si Benjamin. Sila ang pinakiusapan ko ni Lucas na sumundo sa akin mula sa airport kahit madaling araw na. Nag-ikot lang kami sa sandali sa mga bukas pa na pasyalan sa Manila at pagkatapos nito at kumain bago namin napagpasiyahan na umuwi na sa Bataan dahil bukod sa may trabaho pa sila mamaya ay gusto ko rin na magpahinga.

"You can connect your music here, Max." Suhestyon ni Lucas dahil tiyak na pati ito ay napipikon na sa'kin.

"Hayaan mo siya. Sipain ko siya palabas e." Si Benjamin. Hindi ko nalang sila pinansin na dalawa at hinayaan ko nalang ang sarili ko na matulog habang binabaybay namin ang daan patungo sa Bataan.

It has been eight years since the last time I was here. I don't know the changes that had happened, but I know for a fact that there is. I am not just certain on what it really is. During those eight years that I spent outside the country, I almost lost myself. Simula noong dumating ang araw na nahuli na silang dalawa sa bagay na matagal ko nang alam ay lahat ng sisi ni Mommy at Kuya ay napunta sa'kin, na bakit nga ba kita hinayaan sa buhay ko at piniling papasukin ka sa mundo ko, sa mundo naming lahat kaya ito ang naging dahilan para masira ang pamilya namin, dahil alam kong alam mo at alam nila na ako ang dahilan kung bakit siya ay naging isa sa kasama namin sa bahay dahil sa awa at hirap na nakita ko sa inyo noong mga bata pa tayo, noong panahong iniwan kayo ng 'yong tatay. Tinaggap ko lahat ang kanilang mga masasama at masasakit na salita kahit tagos sa puso ang lahat dahil imbes na ang tatay ko ang kanilang sisihin ay sa'kin napunta ang mga ito. Hanggang sa lumipas ang mga panahon at hindi na nagbago ang tingin nila sa'kin kahit nagkaayos na sila dahil sa kami ang pinili ni Daddy. She courted my mom every day for a year and then eventually, they compromise and settled. But after that, my Dad became comfortable again which made him cheat to Mom for who knows how long and made their separation permanent. Lumayo kami sa kaniya at nagpapasalamat ako dahil hindi ako iniwan ni Mommy mag-isa kasama ang tatay ko. Umalis kami ng US at kas pinili namin ni Maxine at Mommy na manirahan sa Europe kung nasaan ang iba namin na kamag-anak at dahil doon mas nagkaroon ako ng kalayaan na hindi ko na muling naranasan pa noong umalis ako ng Pilipinas.

I've been hard with myself since I was a kid and Santiago were the only person who can keep up with all of that. He never invalidated my feelings, though he never tolerated me when I am always dealing with questioning my self-worth. He's always there and he will be always there, if it weren't for her mom. Every night I hear noises outside my room, which is in Dad's office across mine, and that's how I witnessed my family crumbled and broke into pieces little by little. Their moans, their curses, and how they deeply pleased each other stayed in my head for who knows how long. That's why I admitted my feelings for Thiago, so I can forget what his mom did to me, to us. That I will always choose to love and forgive no matter how hard it may be. That eventually, everything will fall into its place and maybe when Thiago and I are already a thing, I can explain to him what I am witnessing without our relationship being at risk, because I know that he will always understand me. I want him to help me fight this. I want him to help me figure everything out, because I cannot do this by myself. I know that I did ask for too much and that maybe the reason why you avoided me for like forever just like what I did expect to happen.

I will accept your decision. I will accept how you did not call me Yco again after you knew how I felt about you. I will accept how you want me to get out of your life, because we really don't feel the same way.

I continue with my life by proving you that I don't need you. That I can do this by myself. Kahit ikaw ang lagi kong inaasahan, kahit sa'yo ko idinidepende ang buhay ko. Kakayanin ko, Thiago. Kakayanin ko para may mapatunayan naman ako sa'yo. For months, I go along with Silvestre, his manipulative and gaslighting ass that I only realized when I left for US. How he always made me feel to feel these certain things. That I am just lying on what I feel about you and I am just overreacting on how deeply wreck I am, because of what's happening between you, your mother, my father, and with myself. He never believed in everything that I've been through, that I am just being overly sensitive about it, but I go on with that. My stupid and shit ass self tolerated that. Desperado na e, desperado na akong may magagawa ako nang wala ka, but that didn't happen. When I saw how the best you are came out when you lost me in your life, my love for you turn to anger, because I felt betrayed not because I am jealous of how far you've reached, but because I felt that you don't really need me in my life anymore. That what you are saying and how you made me feel things became lies into my head just like what Silvestre always says. Because you just simply care for me like I am some weak person who always needed you and that will boost your ego and self-esteem because I can never live without you. Kaya imbes na piliin kong ibalik ang dati, mas pinili ko na alagaan ang galit na palagi mong sinasabi na dapat ay hindi. Bumalik ang kasalanan ng nanay mo sa pamilya ko na pilit kong kinakalimutan at iyon ang naging dahilan para iparamdam ko sa'yo na ayaw na kita sa buhay ko.