Whole, Part 2 (a Mass Effect fanfiction)

Faith

EDI fell into step next to Shepard as they exited the war room. "Shepard," she said in her abrupt way, "I have a question about human behavior."

The remark startled Shepard out of her at least hundredth mental reliving of the fall of Thessia. She frowned at the robot. "This isn't the best time, EDI."

"Perhaps humor? A penguin is driving through the Arizona desert—"

At the moment, Shepard couldn't even remember where Arizona was. "I'm not in the mood."

"A lively rendition of 'La Marseillaise'?"

With some surprise, Shepard realized the robot was trying to cheer her up. She forced a smile, appreciating the gesture. "No, thanks, EDI."

"Very well. I will maintain a respectful silence until you indicate otherwise."

Before Shepard could respond, the comm link in her collar crackled to life, Joker calling. "Shepard, Anderson's available on vid-comm."

For the first time since she'd met him, Shepard was afraid to face Anderson. She had failed; she had put the whole galaxy, everything he had fought for in the trenches on Earth, in jeopardy.

"Shepard," Joker repeated insistently. "He can't stay on the line for long."

"All right," she responded. "I'll be right there."

In the communication center, Anderson's hologram was waiting. "Shepard. I heard about Thessia."

"We were so close," she said, feeling the sting of tears at the back of her eyes and twisting her face to avoid letting them fall. "So damned close to ending this war."

"You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?"

She stared at him. Easy? What the hell had been easy about any of this? "I knew going in there wouldn't be a minute of this war that was easy," she answered, more sharply than she'd intended. "But this ... watching Thessia fall, and knowing it was my responsibility—" She turned her back on the hologram, not wanting him to see her lose the battle with her tears.

"Shepard, do you know how many times I got my ass handed to me over the years?" he asked bluntly. "Surviving the First Contact War back in the day was a goddamned miracle. They said I was a hero, but I just felt lucky to get out alive. So maybe Kai Leng did beat you. What of it?"

What of it? "It could cost us the war!"

"Look, Shepard, these guys in the resistance, they know it's a losing proposition. They know the chances of seeing tomorrow are slim to none. But we all signed up anyway. Hell, I'm sitting in London right now, staring at rubble. I was born here, and it's looking like I might die here, too. So I say point us at the Reapers, and we'll take our chances."

He was right. Shepard was ashamed of herself for giving way, acting as though her task was the only one that mattered in this ongoing war. Millions of people were on the ground on Reaper-occupied worlds, fighting with their last breath to hold on to any inch of ground they could. None of them could afford to give up if they lost; neither could she.

Taking a deep breath to get herself under control, she turned around to face Anderson again. "I'm not willing to bank this whole war—or the lives of its defenders—on a hope and a prayer. I'll find a way."

"Well, truth is, we could use both hope and prayers right now. But I know you will, Shepard. We have faith in you. Shake this off."

She nodded, feeling stronger already. "I will."

And he was gone, leaving Shepard feeling guilty that she was giving way when here she was, safe and sound on the best ship in the galaxy, while the original captain of that ship lived in the mud of blasted London and held on to enough faith to keep her spirits up as well as his men's. She wouldn't forget again, she vowed.

Leaving the comms room, she headed for the cockpit to thank Joker.

As soon as the doors had opened for her, his chair swiveled around. "Thessia, huh? I guess the asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now."

Over the years, Shepard had thought she'd grown used to her pilot's irreverent humor, but she had just seen dozens of asari give their lives in vain to protect their homeworld, and she couldn't believe this was his response.

Joker must have seen the black anger on her face. He winced. "Too soon?"

"You're a damned good pilot, Joker. The best. And because of that, I put up with a lot. But we're in the middle of a war here. Have some respect!"

Without answering, he swung his chair around, swiping through screens until he came to one with a small planet centered on it. "You see this, Commander? Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass end of nowhere. My father lives there. So does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago." He swallowed, never liking to show emotion in front of others, and touched the screen with one finger to make the image go away. "So you can assume that I am generally aware there's a war on."

"Then why the jokes?" Shepard asked more gently. She'd known Joker had family on a colony world, but had assumed he'd tell her if they were in danger. She should have known better; she should have asked him about them.

Joker turned his chair to face her again. "Because EDI says that according to your armor's metabolic scans, you're under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like, more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus ten thousand batarians trying to kill you."

Shepard dimly remembered those times. They seemed far away and unimportant compared to what was happening today.

"When I spoke to Anderson earlier, he told me to take care of you," Joker continued. "The guy leading the resistance—on Earth!—is worried about you. And I'm supposed to help."

"I appreciate the thought, Joker, but I'm fine," she assured him. It wasn't the truth, but it was close enough.

Still, he saw through her. "The hell you are! You're like half robot this point. No offense, EDI," he added, glancing at his copilot. "And it's my fault."

"Your fault?"

"When—" His voice was thinning, threatening to break, and he had to stop a moment to get it under control. "When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn't leave. Because you had to come back for me."

"I'd do it again," she told him. "Not just because I'm the commander of the ship and it's my duty, but because you're the best damned pilot in this fleet, and we couldn't do any of this without you. Really, Joker, I'm okay. That was a tough blow, losing Thessia and losing the Prothean data—to the bastard who killed Thane, no less—but I'm going to be okay."

"If you're sure."

"No other choice," she told him. "After the war, then I'll have a breakdown, and you can fly me to a nice quiet planet where I can lie around all day and drink cocktails on the beach."

"If any of those are left, you got it." Joker turned around again, facing the stars, and Shepard left him to it, he and EDI navigating their way across the galaxy, getting her where she needed to go.