*ON HOLD* Before It Gets Better The Darkness Gets Bigger boyxboy

Chapter 11 - Hope In His Voice And Tears In His Eyes

Dan
*****

I've never had such a good breakup. Elle and I are still friends, and I'm glad for that. There was one main reason i ended it. I think I like Phil.

When we started living together I kissed him. He kissed back and told me he was bi, but I'm pretty sure he was too drunk to remember it now.

I've never brought it up- because I know that if he does remember it, I'd be faced with a sheer wall of awkwardness, and that's before I figure out a way to tell him I'm bi too.

It's not that I'm in the closet- because I've kissed many men, it's just that I'm worried that we'll break up on horrible terms and ever speak to each other again. That surely wouldn't help my depression.

I just can't help thinking that he feels the same way, and that makes it worse, knowing I could and most likely will be turned down.

"Dan?" I hear Phil ask, bringing me back to reality. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I say, trying to assure him.

"Famous last words," Phil says shakily, his eyes glazed over with tears. He's clearly referring to my near accidental suicide.

"No, really, I'm fine," I reply, putting my hand on his shoulder and looking straight into his ocean-blue eyes. Oh, his eyes. His fucking beautiful eyes.

"Dan...?" Phil asks, after I had been staring into his eyes for a stupidly long amount of time.

"Oh, um... Yeah, sorry," I stammer, dropping my gaze and taking my hand off him. "You... You just have really nice eyes."

Phil giggles.

"What?" I ask, laughing- though a little infuriated.

"Your voice keeps breaking!" Phill manages to say through a stream of constant laughter.

"Jesus Christ, Phil!" I chuckle, play slapping him softly.

I check my phone. 12.47 pm. I broke with Elle last night, so I've had a good sixteen hours to figure out what to say to Phil, but I can't think of anything that's special enough for him.

A little while later, Phil checks me for cuts. He gives me a tight hug when he sees that I haven't made any new ones, and puts a llama sticker on my chart. His idea, not mine.

"You and your stickers, Phil!" I joke. He smiles and blushes slightly, attempting to hide it with his fringe. He has to be the most adorable person to ever walk the face of the Earth. If only he felt the same about me.

My smile falters a little, and Phil frowns, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Dan, you would tell me if there was something wrong, though. Right?" Phil says, hope in his voice and tears in his eyes.

"There is absolutely nothing wrong," I smile. But there is. 'I fucking love you Philip Michael Lester' is all I want to say.

"But if there is..." Phil whispers.

"Yes- I'd tell you of course I would," I say in an equally soft whisper.

*****
Phil
*****

He did look into my eyes for a long time.

Yes, but he doesn't like you.

But what if he remembers?

He doesn't, he was pissed out of his mind? How could he?

I argued with myself for a good few minutes, before finally shutting myself up.

"We should go out," Dan declares, walking into the office where I was editing a video.

"Where?" I ask, slightly astounded. Dan is usually the last person to ask to leave the house.

"I don't know! A club, a pub! Just somewhere!" Dan says excitedly.

"Okay...?" I say, still confused. Dan has minor social anxiety, so he rarely likes going out at night to places full of people.

"I've already invited people out so you can't really say no," Dan laughs.

"I'm not saying no," I giggle.

-

Before long, Dan and I are in a taxi, off to the city centre.

"Who's coming?" I ask, squinting at him in the dark taxi.

"Elle, Chris and PJ," he answers.

Crap. Not Elle. Dan will most likely be drunk before the end of the night, and I really don't want them getting back together. As much as I love Elle, I want Dan to myself.

"It's not like we're going to get noticed here anyway," Dan continues. "I doubt too many of our subscribers are over twenty-one."

"Probably not," I laugh.

We step out of the taxi and a gust of wind hits us. Dan and I split the price of the journey and stand in line.
Not long later, Chris, PJ and Elle sneak up behind us and join us in the line.

After about fifteen minutes of waiting outside in the pouring rain, Elle steps out of the queue and walks up to the bouncer at the door.

"Hi," I heard her say, biting her lower lip. "My friends and I want to get in. Do you think you could let us skip the line?"

I see her nod and she rushes back to us.

"He said that he could probably let us in, as long as we don't tell the manager," she informs us.

"Great!" Chris says, and we all get out of line and make our way to the front of the queue.

The bouncer Elle had been talking to unhooks the velvet ropes and hands us all V.I.P passes on the house. She must've told him about YouTube.

We step in through the heavy black doors, finally out of the wind and rain, and into a room with loud music and flashing lights.