JUST NOT PRETEND | SY ✓

Chapter 21 - Desperately

It's heart aching guilt that follows after a brainstorming anger.

Soobin stared up at the ceiling fan spinning, deep breaths being inhaled and exhaled, he hated his behavior hours ago, he despised the person he was, the words he spat made his insides churn with overweighting guilt that seemed to consume his whole entity.

Ji-sul deserved a proper apology from him, and Soobin will apologize even on his knees if the other wants him to.

Because the words he was going to say in the flash of his unkempt aggression was insulting to the most.

He was thinking hard about, how did he even became that kind of person? He wasn't like this. He is not.

Probably seeing Yeonjun in Ji-sul's arms triggered it, his insecurity of digesting the fact about how perfect Yeonjun did look in Ji-sul's arms fueled the fire of possessiveness. Jealousy.

Soobin really couldn't exactly pinpoint which was the worst. But jealousy and possessiveness are negative emotions towards one's partner no matter how these romance novels glorify them.

There is a very thin line, almost a blur between being protective and possessive.

Soobin always thought so, he always liked thinking about how he would let Yeonjun have his freedom as his own person and how trust would be the strongest compatibility of their relationship.

No shit. He fucked up that aspect of their relationship.

What difference did it even make between him and Ji-sul?

Soobin would rather conclude that he is even worse than Ji-sul over how he let his actions lead to his burning anger. Something that wasn't supposed to happen.

The pain. The regret. Everything came crashing down and Soobin covered his face with his palms harshly rubbing before his fingers fisted his hair into relentless tugs just so he could feel something else other than guilt.

God, he hated how his heart was painfully pounding in his chest, it's not a feeling he likes to harbor.

It felt something akin to the time when his father had put a shit load of money in some abacus class only for him not to even rank in the top ten in the examination results of it, the disappointment in father's frown was so loud so were his mother's yells of reminding him how much of a disappointment he was being.

But the feeling he felt right now. The fact he had disappointed Yeonjun was much worse and his head had started to ache with a sudden thought of an exam waiting for him tomorrow to attend and the list of revision chapters he had to go through hit harder than a truck making frustration pollute his head.

A pillow stuffed in his face as he silently screamed loud, it coming out muffled but it gave him some sort of comfort. He did it for quite a few times until his throat itched.

Then he decided that he would better distract himself rather than being pathetic, so he walked over his study table and took a seat, turning on the lamp, taking off his sweatshirt just sitting in sweatpants as he opened his book of Economics, this thesis was more focused on the marketing point of view which made his brain shunt for a minute trying well enough to make sense of the words.

Then it was all studying, going again and again through the words, taking it all and storing in some corner of his brain pencil tucked behind his ear which the bright neon yellow highlighted glided on the pages of his notes and textbook alternating as he reached out for papers writing down keywords.

A knock on his door was barely heard but Soobin took a deep breath, he looked at the electronic clock on his table eyes widening seeing it was almost three in the night or maybe morning, he was still confused over what this time should be taken in as.