Another Chance

Seidr and Love

A few days after his disastrous conversation with Thor, Loki was alone in the greenhouse at lunchtime. Sigyn ate with his art partners in the dining room. The young woman had invited him to join them, assuring him that his friends would have no problem welcoming him. But Loki still couldn't seem to eat surrounded by strangers, so he opted for the greenhouse. At that hour the sun was shining full on the glass roof, and the heat was accumulating under the dome, but Loki ignored the temperature.

What he wasn't sure he could continue to ignore was the chaos brewing inside him. It wasn't the same chaos that had earned him his reputation in Asgard and the title of God of Chaos. It was not a force of nature, an irrepressible impulse. But it was there, that unease that made his mind scan his surroundings for a way to play some prank.

Nothing serious, he told himself. Just little jokes, a part of his mind whispered. But the other part told him that he should not give in. He had started like this. And he knew he wouldn't stop at that. He hadn't done it in Asgard, why would he be any different there? Nay. He didn't want to repeat the same history. He couldn't afford to repeat history.

Besides, if he took things too far, Fury would send him home. Back to Odin. Far from the opportunity that SHIELD posed. And away from Sigyn. And he liked his company too much to allow himself to lose it now that he knew how it felt.

Sigyn was funny, kind, smart. They ate breakfast and dinner together, in the greenhouse and wherever they were alone. Sigyn didn't ask why he didn't want to eat surrounded by other people. And he couldn't find the words to explain to her the problems that stemmed from his centuries-old life in another universe.

He wouldn't let his need for chaos spoil him. So he held back, trying to distract himself with whatever he had within reach. And at that time, that thing was his seidr.

He hadn't wanted to try it until now. Mainly for fear of not feeling it. His seidr had been a part of him for practically as long as he could remember. It was what had given him much of his identity while he was growing up. The seidr had bonded him to his mother when his physical abilities had turned out not to be aesir enough for his father's liking. So he had preferred not to investigate and realize that he had lost it.

And if he had to be honest with himself, he also feared that the seidr was there. Because if the seidr hadn't disappeared, what about... the jotun? Was that monstrous part of himself still locked up in there, next to his seidr? Sheltered next to his core, waiting for the moment to appear again. The brief memory of his blue hands, the feel of his eyes shifting and his sharp teeth against his tongue made him shiver. He wasn't sure he could face that reality.

And yet, he missed feeling seidr from him. Even weak, as Sylvie had said, would be better than that emptiness he felt.

So he forgot his food, closed his eyes and concentrated. He searched inside him, delving into the nothingness in which his seidr had lived for centuries. And when he thought that he really had lost everything, he felt the tiny spark of...something. He approached cautiously, as if it were the flickering flame of a candle exposed to the wind. And he hold it between the palms of my hands. Up close he could see that it was the green color that his seidr had always been, but somewhat duller. He cradled the flame and blew on it lightly, as if feeding the nascent fire of a campfire.

The seidr became alive, just a little bit. Large enough for the base of the new fire to fill the bowl of his hands, shooting a few golden sparks into the air. And the heat invaded him. He could feel the seidr returning to his veins little by little, slowly, feeding him. It was nothing compared to what it had been, but it was still there. His seidr was still with him! He was about to lose concentration because of the emotion that overwhelmed him. He clung to the flame, cradling it against his chest. It was still him, despite everything.