Leave, Before You Love Me

Chapter Fifty-Seven

I walk into my bedroom, lock it, then shut the bathroom door, trying to create a barrier between Mason and myself. Having spent the weekend with him, I need some distance between us, time to think, and a moment to breathe.

Searching my bag for my pajamas, I change into my long-sleeved fleece top and leggings. I turn on the floor lamp, pull my feet under me as I sit in the leather chair beside the large loft window, and watch the storm as it passes over the cabin.

After some time, a gentle knock comes from the bathroom door, but I choose to ignore it. I hear Mason call my name, but I remain silent from where I sit, refusing to let him in. I question my motives behind not giving him access to me, but I just need space right now.

I spend the next couple of hours writing on some blank paper I found on the bookshelf and listening to the sounds of the storm. The lightning brightens up my room as it scatters across the sky, and the pad of paper I hold flashes in the light.

I haven't journaled a lot over the summer, and it feels cathartic to get out my feelings that I cannot seem to speak aloud. When I look at the front and back, I realize it has become more of a letter as I read it silently.

I wonder if I could ever let Mason read it, for whom the letter was intended. To be able to allow him into my innermost feelings and thoughts. I question whether he would even want to read it.

If anything, this weekend has made me realize how much Mason isn't ready to deal with his emotions. His inability to share his feelings with me has stopped me from sharing my own with him. Because of that, I feel we haven't been truly honest with each other. It has built a wall between us and caused me to mistrust him; I don't even know if I trust myself anymore.

Whenever I am with Mason, I lose myself. He has consumed me, and I would do anything to be with him. No matter how badly I have felt or how hurt I have been over the past few weeks, I have found myself willing to go through it all over again.

Because of him, my love for him.

I unfurl myself from the leather chair and fold the letter I have written, cramming it into the very bottom of my overnight bag. I step lightly over the hardwood floor and unlock the bathroom door, wanting to give Mason the freedom to join me if he so chooses.

The sounds of the storm relax me, and I crawl into my bed, prepared for sleep.

Before my head hits the pillow, three soft knocks sound against the bathroom door. I hear him call out my name and then listen to the doorknob turn slowly. The door opens and latches behind him as he enters my room.

I hear the sound of his bare feet across the hardwood floor and then disappear as he walks over the faux fur rug. My bed dips as he pulls the covers back and crawls into bed behind me.

Mason's hand slides up the length of my back and tugs on my shoulder, rolling me over to face him. Lightning strikes outside, illuminating his features. His hair is wet, and his curls cling tightly to his head in tight ringlets. He smells of freshly showered male, and I inhale his scent.

"I'm sorry about earlier," He whispers. His hand caresses my cheek, and he thumbs a strand of fallen hair behind my ear. "I was speaking with Khader."

"Oh," I say, matching his whispering tone.

"You weren't curious about who it was?" He asks me, his tone playful.

I shrug a shoulder at him and scrunch my nose at his question. I am happy for once that he can't read my thoughts.

"Why'd you lock me out?" He asks me, his brows raised. "Are you mad at me, Ros?"

I shake my head at him and move closer to him, tucking my feet between his legs. I raise my hand to his face, stroke my index finger down the length of his nose, and run it over his soft, full lips. I brush my thumb over the cleft in his chin and press my lips to the places I have touched.