This Could Get Ugly / Conrad Fisher

After Atrocity

I felt like I had already fallen apart enough in previous hours at the party but when Michael's car pulled up and a concerned Michael came out, I fell apart once again. The hurt, the betrayal, the ending. It all came rushing back right in that instant that his arms came around me.

I ugly cried like I'd never done before. Michael had rarely seen me cry even before this. I was sure it was a shock to him to see me in such a state. I'd never been a drunk crier and prided myself on being able to keep my emotions in check. I guess the unknown number of shooters I made Caroline get me from inside the party had shown up after all. I wanted to forget everything that had happened and fast.

I felt Michael's hand stroke the back of my head as my tears stained his chest slash neck area. He really was the best friend I'd ever had.

"I'm a mess," I sobbed.

"It's a great thing it's only temporary," Mike tutted. I laughed a wet laugh at that.

"I think I'm going to stay this way forever. The hurt never goes away. There's only pockets of okay moments mixed within a sea of uncontrollable emotions."

"No you won't stay this way forever." He looked at me as if I was some explosive. I guess I was. "Do you want to talk about it?"

It all came rushing back immediately. It hadn't left me. That whole hour it took Michael to get here was agonizing. I thought about everything I've ever done with Jeremiah and all the lies he told me. This betrayal might have just hurt worse than Jason Jere was there to pick up the pieces of myself and now, without him, I felt myself shattering in another's arms again.

I thought about how weak I was relying on other people to help me heal. I couldn't heal on my own. As much as I was strong on the outside, I was a pathetic mess in reality. I cried harder. Mike held me until I was calmed down enough to talk.

"Does it look like I want to talk about it?"

"Okay, that was sassy but I'm going to ignore that because I am an amazing persons and I'll support you. Just know, if you want to talk and tell me all about it, then great, I'll hear all about it. But if you want to keep it quiet, I understand. Either way, I'm kicking his ass."

I felt an overwhelming rush of gratitude for the boy in front of me. "But aren't you guys friends? I've ruined that for you. I've really ruined that for you. You guys were so close too! Ugh, I can't believe I ruined a great friendship for you. Aren't you mad at me too?"

He forced me to take a deep breath. "Calm down. I could never be mad at you, Lina. You need to stop feeling like everything is your fault. It's not healthy." I was surprised he could hear me through the hug. Much less, understand me.

"I don't do that."

"You do. And you hide stuff away from me that really bothers you. I can tell and I know that it hurts you. You don't have to be invincible around me. Don't hide from me, I only want to help you. You never have to hide, okay?"

I look up at him. "Okay." Then, I wipe my eyes and step away, suddenly nauseous.

"Are you ready to go home?"

"Actually, I think I'm going to puke."

He rushes forward. "Okay, let's get that taken care of first and then you're going to drink my water and then we're going to go home," he said quickly as he pushed me to the nearest bush. I felt like an immature child.

I nodded and then threw up in the bush as Michael held my hair back.

—

When I woke up, I was sad to see me dream end. I willed myself to remember as much of it as I possibly  could while my eyes were still closed. Jeremiah and I were driving. Nowhere in particular and talking about everything under the sun. By the time he pulled up to the house I didn't want to leave and get out of the car.