Behind His Curtain (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 19

I didn't mean to absquatulate. But does it count? I'm still here at this venue, leaning on the railings of this balcony on the second floor, looking out the night sky and the people going in and out below. Nakita ko pa nga ang pamilya ko na lumabas kasama si Otep at alam ko umuwi na sila. Too bad I didn't see their faces; surely hinahanap na nila ako at nagtataka bakit hindi ako ang mag-uuwi sa kanila.

Ayokong magmaneho nang ganito ang lagay ng pag-iisip ko. And they are not used to seeing me smoke so I just acted I didn't see them in the first place.

Hindi ko na alam kung ilang oras na akong nandito. But I can tell it's been too long because the music downstairs did get too loud. Umalis na rin ang mga matatandang guests nila, even his parents, and it felt weird they didn't see me looking over at this place. The cold air is slipping through my face but wasn't enough to calm me down.

Anong pumasok sa akin at naisipan ko na bigyan ng sapatos si Dustin bilang regalo? He gifted me a watch because he knows how I used my wristwatch all the time and I should've used that as a sign to know what gift I should get him. Shoes. Fucking shoes. What were you thinking, Henry?

Was it because you loathed the idea that of all the things you despise, you're stuck with someone who does the things you don't do all the time? Kaya ba nakalimutan ko na regaluhan siya na angkop sa ginagawa niya sa buhay ay dahil narerealize ko na it's absurd to feel this way towards him?

I wish I could agree with it. But all I can conclude is... it just slipped my mind. Nakalimutan ko lang... hindi ko lang talaga nabigyan ng masinsinang pag-iisip.

And earlier, I think I figured out why I stormed out and threw away my gift: I was... insecure of how grand that gift was to him. Okay, let's say I thought of giving him gifts that are about photography... Pero imposible na maregaluhan ko siya ng camera.

We don't even have one at home! How am I able to produce one gift like that when I can't afford it? And if I do, hindi kasing-gara ng dapat makuha niya? Of course, may iba pang mga choice. But if I got him the same things that Ghon gave him, surely walang-wala iyon sa binigay niya. Hindi ba may nagsabi na magandang item iyong nakuha niya para kay Dustin? That's their humblest way of saying 'you spent a lot of money for that?' and doon pa lang... talo na ako.

Sobrang talo. And that teddy bear? The fact that he's late because he needed to dress that bear up the way Dustin's dressed up today? Effort. Tanginang ka-effort 'yan. Habang ako... naghanap lang sa mall at binalot lang sa cashier.

My gift was so lame. Malaki ang pasasalamat ko na... hindi ko pa nabibigay sa kaniya iyon. And I don't think I still have to. Tinapon ko na. Hindi ko na babalikan pa.

I watch as the ashes of my small cigarette fall until it reaches the steps leading to the entrance. Bakit hindi pa ako umuwi? Pagod na ako. Gusto ko na lang humiga at ipikit ang mata ko. That way I don't have to ponder again and again I will never be good enough for him. The contrast of my life and his life should be enough for me to stop myself from falling in love in the first place. How am I able to give him all the best when I can't even become someone better?

In my sleep, I don't have to worry about tomorrow. In my sleep, I have complete silence, no responsibilities, and if with luck, be the person I was bereft to be. Pero ano nga dapat ako kung hindi ako naging ganito?

Sigurado na baka kagaya ako ng ibang mga kaibigan ko noon sa RST na... carefree. Though I wasn't raised selfish... pero with all the people you're always with in school? Sometimes doing the worst is the best thing to do. Baka uuwi ako na sobrang lasing tapos hindi magigising nang buong araw. Or be with them outside the city or country...

Pero siguro kahit naging ganoon ako, kahit hindi ako naging panganay, imposible pa rin. Why? It's poverty that kills everyone. Kahit ayain nila ako na mag Korea o sa USA? Kung wala naman kaming ganoon kalaking pera kagaya nila?