SUNRISE OF THE BUTTERFLIES

SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER

[warnings: suicidal thoughts and impulses, lack of self-care]

it's kind of difficult to live nowadays.

actually—nowadays isn't the correct term— it's been this way for a long time.

i'll dream of my death, whether it be by a freak car accident or jumping off cliffs, and i'll wake up before my heart gives out.

and then i'd get out of bed to use the bathroom, and stare blankly into the mirror. different thoughts would branch out, and i'd struggle grasp one, and make sense of it.

maybe it's about how the space beneath my eyes is getting darker, and i can't let anyone see that. maybe it's about how my hair is frizzy and wild, half plastered to my face and half static, so ugly that i need to do something about it but i don't want to. maybe it's how i haven't taken a shower in a week and i don't know when i will, or how my eye color is bland and the designs in them not as intricate as i wish them to be, or how i am so sleepy, so dizzy, that the black spots in my vision keep coming and i have to struggle to keep my balance.

most of the time, however, my mind is blank.

but then i'll shift my attention to the sink and there lies an overwhelming amount of thoughts about how i could end it all right there, whispering directions and ideas and how seeing your blood all over the mirror is something that cannot be imagined clearly, accurately, and that i should see it for myself.

sometimes i begin to cry. sometimes i give those thoughts the tiniest bit of satisfaction. sometimes i can turn away but it doesn't matter because i'll take six melatonin pills before laying in my bed as a half-assed attempt of over-dosage.

i'm trying to make it out alive, i swear. i want people to see me and think, "oh look at her, such a healthy girl. she seems so happy," because i have a need to be seen as capable.

i don't anyone to know i've tried to erase me too many times to count.

i don't want anyone to be disappointed.

.

for the first time in a long time, i washed my hair.

i'm getting better, i think.

getting better feels nice.

[s.] let's get through this, no matter what.