Loving You Is Painful

Chapter 1

My smiles are fake. Every single one of them. It's easy to fake a smile once you've learned how. I've never actually smiled since I've started my first day at SM Entertainment as a trainee. I used to smile, but people made fun of me and called me Happy Virus... My ex used to call me that. I used to love it at one point of time, but it became my downfall.

All the members of EXO were like family, but I still feel distant from them. During our concerts, we would always huddle up and say, "We are one! We are EXO!" I laugh on the inside. Then we would perform our best, but after concerts are always hell for me.

There were times when I choked someone to near unconsciousness until Kris or Xiumin had to smack sense into me. I tried to commit suicide once, but Suho talked me out of it. I mostly cut myself. I love that with each slice on my wrist, more blood and more pain follows after.

Baekhyun caught me once and begged me to go to the hospital because I looked pale. He was on his knees, "Chanyeol please. Just go to the hospital! Look at all the blood that is staining the bed!" I smacked him. I grabbed a scarf and wrapped my arm, "Shut up. I know what I'm doing," I left him there.

A year has passed. I've been slacking in the choreography and I've been sneaking alcohol into mine and Baekhyun's room. I would always get out of practice just to drink. When everyone gets back, Baekhyun always has to take care of me, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" He wipes vomit off of my face. All I could do was stare at him, "Baekhyun," I whispered. He put the washcloth on the counter, "What Chanyeol?" I didn't look in his eyes. It was getting awkward, so I pushed him away and left.

I was outside and sitting on the curb. Baekhyun has been having an effect on me, like a weird feeling in my chest. My heart pounds louder and faster as I remember his beautiful face, large chocolate eyes and his pink kissable lips. I shook my head. I need these thoughts out of my head.

I counted the cars that passed. 65...66...67 it was a slow day today. I stood up and walked back into the dorm. As I entered I looked and saw an upset Suho with his arms crossed, a glaring Kris standing beside Suho with an arm wrapped around his waist, and a guilty Baekhyun in the corner. I sighed and slammed the door shut. Suho pointed to the chair by the door and pulled out all the empty beer bottles and threw them at my feet. I groaned and Suho came up to me, "What the hell is wrong with you!" He smacked me across the face and I heard Baekhyun gasp. Kris glared at me some more, "You should be kicked out of the group for this behavior," Kris' voice was ice with every word he said.

I got up, "It's none of your guys' damn business. You all seem to have the family relationship going on, but it's not working for me," I bumped into them harshly and went into my room. I sat in my bed and grabbed the pocket knife from underneath my pillow. I rolled up my left sleeve and sliced my wrist.

Slice 1. For not being able to take care of myself.
Slice 2. For making someone worry about me.
Slice 3. For drinking.
Slice 4. For disappointing my family.
Slice 5. For joining this stupid group.
Slice 6. For getting in this mess.
Slice 7. For falling in love with someone that will never love me back.

I let the blood run down my arm. I heard the door open, but I didn't look up. I know Baekhyun is there and I know that he will come rushing to my aid any second. I was right, Baekhyun was crying and grabbed a wet rag. I could only stare at him in his sad state, "Stop crying, hyung. My mission is almost complete..." Baekhyun looked up at me, "What are you saying?" I didn't answer his question.

Baekhyun cleaned up the blood and made sure to put disinfectant on it. He was sitting next to me while lightly tracing my cuts. It was silent and I enjoyed being alone with Baekhyun, he calms me somehow. I laid my head on his, "Baekhyun..." I whispered his name. He stopped touching my cuts, "Chanyeol. Why are you doing this to yourself?" We looked at each other. I didn't answer for a while, but Baekhyun was waiting, "Because I hate myself. I hate that I can't be happy around other people. I also hate that I love someone," I rubbed my cuts.

We sat in silence again. Now it's getting really annoying. Baekhyun grabbed my wrist and held it to his face. My face suddenly turned red. He kissed the first cut, "I'm giving you seven reasons to be more positive about yourself. Reason 1, your smile was always the brightest," I slightly smiled. He kissed the second cut, "Reason 2, you were always there for everyone," he looked at me. Then kissed the third cut, "Reason 3, your the most nicest person behind that cold mask," he smiled at me. His beautiful smile was always so bright. He kissed the fourth cut, "Reason 4, I hate to see you going through so much pain because it causes me pain," He looked away from me. He kissed the fifth cut, "Reason 5, you mean so much to me and I don't want to see you go," His voice was shaking. He was so close to breaking down, but he continued. He kissed the sixth cut, "Reason 6, you make me happy whenever I'm down," he started shaking. Hot tears drop onto my cuts. He kissed my seventh cut, "Reason 7..."

"I love you, Chanyeol."