breathing underwater

kit pov

We hadn't left on good terms, did we? I wanted to tell you everything that I felt for you but I feared too much that you didn't feel the same. After Livvy died you just kept pushing me away and I could  no longer take it. I couldn't take your pain. I couldn't take the pain of you not loving me. I couldn't take my own pain over the loss of Livvy.
If Livvy had still been alive she would have been able to fix us. She knew from the beginning what you and I would have been, I'm sure of it. But she's no longer. So I mourn her and the life I could have had had she lived on. I want to honor her and try to go after that life but you can't seem to move on. You're barely living and I can no longer reach you in the land of the dead. I could bring my hands to your face and you would barely feel me breathe on your neck. So I'm in London.
But London reminds me of you. So I spend my mornings lamenting on how differently I would have spent my time in London had you been here with me. You would have loved the history. You would have loved the books here. I found a rare book store in town that had a rare edition of one of the Sherlock Holmes books you loved. That night I cried with the book in my arms.
I don't know why I bought the book. All I know is that it smelled like you and I was forgetting what your arms felt like around me.
Jem and Tessa don't know that I cry over you. They think I'm homesick. I guess in a way they're right. You were my home, Ty. But you already had a home, a family. I didn't fit in your already full heart. But you fit so well in mine. You met me at a time that my heart was bleeding and empty and you looked at it and filled it without even realizing. You placed your hands over my heart and suddenly I wasn't afraid anymore. Maybe you didn't have the same experience I did. Did you feel like you were dying when you were away from me? Because I did.
I do.
So quickly you became this fixture in my life. You sprouted right in the middle of a factory, you didn't belong in my life. But you do belong. You belong. You belong.
In the end I was the one who didn't belong. I wasn't a Blackthorn or Carstair. I simply wasn't family. So I ran. Call me a coward but standing next to you hurt. It hurt to know that I couldn't reach out and touch you. I wanted to be there for you but there was too much love I was hiding from you. I was afraid it would slip out in the way that I hugged you.
Now I'll never hug you again. I'll never be the one you take your headphones off for. I'll become a distant memory in that big beautiful brain of yours. But I'd take a glimpse in your memory rather than to never have meant something to you at all.

            The same rain here, is in the ocean there but my love you feel so far away.