ᴍᴀᴇᴠᴇ ᴡɪʟʟɪᴀᴍꜱ
𝐀 𝐌𝐈𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐄 𝐓𝐎𝐎𝐊 me out for a few hours. My pills were disappearing faster than I was expecting. Spears shot through my skull until I fell asleep. I didn't want to be in this darkened room, but the thought of stepping into the heat and sun made me want to vomit. I missed a morning practice. Adam tells me I shouldn't worry about that, he'll keep me updated. So, with nothing else to do, I sit on the edge of my bed, waiting for him to come by my room with every detail. My fingers tap a slow beat on my bed frame while I wonder what everyone is doing.
Are Jesse, Averman, Goldberg, and Dwayne back down on Rodeo Drive? Are Dean and Fulton still throwing water balloons at other hockey teams as they pass? Has Julie finally taken my advice to ask Bombay to give her more playing time? What is Guy doing? Is he with anyone? Does he ever think about us?
My attention refocuses when I hear a knock. A second later, Adam is standing in front of me, his cheeks stained with tears. "Adam, what's wrong?"
"My wrist..." he started, his mouth agape like he doesn't know what to do. "It's fractured. He benched me, M. I can't play."
My eyes fall to his wrapped wrist. His knuckles are red and bony. Behind the gauze, I can see blue pen doodles of animals and a small 'C' on the side of his thumb. I pull his body against mine as he cries into my shoulder. His hold on me is loose at first but tightens as each sob trembles off him.
I want to tell him to not cry, but I couldn't. Hockey is everything to him. It is his drive and passion. I can not tell him it will be okay because Adam Banks has been waiting and training for this team as long as I've known him, and it's been torn away like leaves from a tree in the fall. I let him cry until his face is raw and eyes are left red.
"We need you, Adam," I whispered, letting my fingers drag through his hair. "We'll always need you."
"There's nothing left for me here. My dad...the scouts. It's over, Maeve. My entire life is over. My spot has already been filled," he said, his voice raspy. "Charlie told Bombay about Russ. He starts in the semi-finals."
"I'm sorry. You deserve to win more than anybody I know."
"I just thought..." Adam chokes out. "I just thought maybe Charlie would have...been more on my side. I wanted him to care for me like Guy cares for you. I feel like an idiot. Maybe he doesn't get me in the way I get him. He's not a fuck up like me."
"You're not a fuck up, Adam. Do you hear me? Nothing about you is fucked up."
"Then why does something so wrong feel so right?"
"There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Your love is just as important as anyone else's."
"I just want things to become easy. I want the fact that I love Charlie to be easy, but it's not, and it feels like it never will be."
I take his hand in mine. I know anything I say will not be enough. Nothing I say can change any of this.
"I'm tired. I'm tired of hiding it, but I can't tell anyone besides you. I don't trust anyone but you," he confessed. "I'm scared of what they'll call me."
"Who?"
"Everyone. The whole world."
"As long as I'm here, no one can hurt you, okay? I won't let anyone tell you that it's wrong. They're wrong."
I can't understand how it feels to be Adam. I can't understand what it feels like to be scared of the person who stares back at you in the mirror. I will never be able to fully understand the struggle because I won't ever have to face it.
But I can tell him that I love him endlessly. I can understand that Adam Banks will always be my best friend. My partner for everything. The person I care about most. My true blue. My home. That is something I will never not understand.
☆∵☆∵☆∵☆∵☆∵☆∵☆∵☆∵☆∵☆∵☆
"𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐊𝐒 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐌𝐄𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 me, Maevie."
"Honestly, Dad, I don't know if I agreed because I wanted to hear what you have to say or to get you to shut up."
He laughed, his grin pulling at the wrinkles around his eyes. I noticed the scar on his forehead from when he was a kid.
"I'm serious," I said. "My coach thought you were a creep and asked if I needed a bodyguard."
"Sounds like you've got a good coach," he remarked, looking at me like he was still trying to take in the changes of me growing up.
"Yeah, he's been a real father figure."
The smile slipped from his face and he scratched the stubble on his chin. "I know I haven't been a great dad the last few years."
"You haven't been a dad."
"Maeve, I've regretted leaving you every day since. There will never be enough sorries I can say."
"And Mom? Do you regret leaving her?"
"Your mother and I used to be so incredibly in love..."
"Did you just stop then? Did you meet someone else?" I asked, the questions pouring out of me.
"No, Maeve. We just grew up. Felicity and I were young and impulsive. We didn't know what we wanted in life."
"Did you want me?"
He stares at me for a long moment. "Of course. The day you were born is the best day of my life."
"Then why'd you leave?" I start to cry. I feel a lump in my throat and my eyes burn with tears. I feel nine years old again. I feel like a wound has been reopened and the blood is flowing without control. "Why'd you move 2,000 miles away from us?"
"It didn't have anything to do with you. I promise, Maevie. You were my entire life. Everything I've ever done was for you and your mom. But, baby, I was so unhappy. And I was angry. You girls didn't deserve to be around someone like me. I thought your mom would have moved on and found you a dad who had control over their emotions."
"But they wouldn't have been my dad. Only you could be."
"I know that now."
I feel him wrap his arms around me as I let tears spill onto his shirt. It feels good. I have my dad back. Part of me will always hate him for going away, but he's here now. He's trying. "I missed you. I wanted to call, but I couldn't. It was too hard. I was too mad at you. Mom said I was just like you for that."
"I never wanted to hurt you or your mom," Dad said, stroking my back. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I pulled away from his chest and stare up at him. I could still feel tears dripping down my face. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him for three years of betrayal. I don't know if that wound will ever heal. But I know that I can't force it to. Time will pass and maybe things will hurt less. Maybe some pain is just passing pain. Not everything has to be forever. I don't want to hate my dad forever.
"You look so much like your mom. But you-"
"I have your eyes," I finish for him.
"You're growing up into the most beautiful girl," he whispered, placing a hand to my hot cheek. "But, tell me. Is that Guy boy still fighting for your undivided attention?"
I laugh despite my stuffy nose and shake my head. "A lot of things have changed. I think Guy has turned out to be a lot more like you, Dad."
"I hope he doesn't stay on that path for long. He's a better man than me, I think he always has been."
I tried to fight the smile that pulled on my lips. Blood rushed up my neck. "He's different now. But so am I."
"I don't know. He seemed like the same protective kid the last time I talked to him," Dad mentioned, nudging my shoulder. "I'd say he still needs you, too."
