BANALITY : Draco Malfoy

09

I don't know who started panicking first, or even when exactly, but I know it was after I had unbuttoned his shirt and after he had shrugged aside the straps of my dress. I was frozen though, and he was hyperventilating, and there was a buzz of sound in the air, and I shut my eyes tight. Something banged, and it was far enough away that I couldn't tell if it was coming from within or outside these walls. Possibly, he had burst underneath some pressure unknown to me.

The last few minutes before I developed the inability to move were hazy. Almost a fugue. Maybe I should have gone to more than one appointment with the shrink, but regardless, I definitely should have drunk more liquor.

At some point, I left the room. Maybe he was still hyperventilating when I left. Maybe he had already stopped, only panicking himself because of something I said or how I froze. I don't remember us speaking. Then again, I try to avoid memories I hate. Even when I have nightmares I avoid them.

The sound of the river brought me back to my senses. My feet had grown wet. I looked down only to realize I was carrying my shoes. When I rushed out, I hadn't even put them on. In fact, I had run so far that I ended up a block away at the river's edge.

Dawn still had not come by the time I made it back to the flat. I was lucky I wasn't supposed to work until the night shift, so I could sleep in. In bed, I couldn't stop shaking, no matter how many blankets I pulled up. I was afraid something like this would happen.

I was surprised to see my flatmates home when I all but crawled out of my room at 2:00 in the afternoon. Niamh was not in the space we share, but Ali and Amanda were. I was surprised it was Saturday, of all days, and not the week. The Friday where I spoke to Graham and told him I would be going to Vanish felt like years ago.

"Was he... you know..." Ali trails off. "Well endowed?"

I hadn't realized I'd been living in the present.

"Ali," Amanda snaps, and though she would normally be smiling she wasn't this time.

"He feels like he ought to be," Ali points out. "It's like, a gut feeling, you know?"

Their conversation is tethering me to the floor of the flat, to the Earth even. I am still alive. My feet are dry. Draco is so far away. The only real thing my therapist taught me in our one session was to count out my senses.

Five things you see.

"Ali," Amanda cautions her once more.

"What?" Ali asks, shrugging her shoulders.

I see Ali and Amanda. I see the plain walls that our lease prevents us from painting. I see the bookshelf that Blaise and Draco looked at last night. I see my shoes in the doorway, with the heels placed nicely next to each other and the ones I wore to Draco's hotel room kicked off and thrown haphazardly.

"Don't make me ask about his cock again," Ali looks over at me. "You're avoiding the question."

"I wouldn't know," I tell them. "I just went round to his to grab a drink."

"At least Amanda is doing some investigating. She found out that the party hosts have no idea who he is," Ali points out, moving on already.

She doesn't say John's name. Amanda notices it as well. I watch her breath in and out.

Four. I hear Amanda breathing. I hear Ali's voice. There are cars driving around outside, loud enough to be heard through the closed window. The sink turns on in the bathroom. It must be Niamh.

Ali shrugs, "who shows up to a party and knows no one? The owners asked around with their friends who were invited. Nobody would admit to knowing him."