Trust Issues

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

It's the day before the wedding and of course I'm at work keeping busy so I don't let my irrigation manifest.

I managed to not be mad at the whole wedding thing since I got the invitation. After that day I put it in the back of my mind to focus on more important matters, but with the actual event being tomorrow it's hard to focus on other things.

I still feel kind of bad bringing Dave to the wedding, and even going as far as lying to my ex about some fantasy that doesn't exist just to piss him off. I know Dave is doing this out of his own free will but I still can't help this rotten feeling in my gut. What happens when the wedding is over? I feel like the girl who sang "lions, tigers and bears" . I'm scared of loving him, as much as I said I was open to falling....I'm terrified.

I let out a sigh for the thousandth time today when the devil himself walked into my office.

"That was a loud sigh, I heard it from down the hall."

"Hello to you too Dave."

"Hey...you okay?"

"Perfectly fine."

"You sure?"

"Definitely"

"Brook..... I can see it on your face that you arent okay."

"If you could see it, why ask?"

"I wanted you to admit it to yourself. I see now that was a fruitless venture on my part."

"Most of your ideas are bad."

"Hey! I have good ideas....sometimes. Anyway that's not what's important right now, let's go out after work...we can talk then."

"Do I have to?"

"No is not an option, you need to get this off your chest."

".......Fine."

"Good, see you in 2 hours."

I watch him walk back to his office. I had to stop a smile from forming on my face, his concern made me happy but I wasn't going to let people know that. I spend the next two hours in a better mood, with something much better to focus on than a wedding.

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Dave's idea of a good place to talk was a local restaurant that serves all day breakfast. He knows how much I love breakfast foods and he thought a good place to talk would be a place where I would rather spend time stuffing my face than talking. We order our food and Dave starts the conversation, not before giving some speech about our booth being a safe place to let feelings flow. I know he's talking out of his ass but I find the attempt endearing.

While waiting for our food I start telling him about what I was sighing at earlier. I tell him about the resurfacing anger and how even though I went through all of it when I got the invitation it's back. He listened to me intently the whole time, he waited for me to finish my sentences before adding his own thoughts. As I finish our waiter brings us the food, we spend five minutes eating and talking about the plan for the wedding. We go over everything to see if we're missing anything. As we're close to finishing our meal I start to speak.

"Um, Dave?"

"Yea?"

"There's something else I need to get off my chest."

"What is it?"

"...How do I say this?"

"Take your time and just say what's on your mind."

"Not a lot of things scare me, not lions or tigers or bears. The thing that scares me the most is....you."

"You're scared of me?"

"I'm scared of loving you. I can feel myself slipping and it scares me, am I ready to put myself out there again? What if the past repeats itself? I can't guarantee anything and that scares me."

"I-I didn't know you felt that way."

"No one knows I feel this way, probably Ashley but she most likely just has a hunch."

"You don't need to be scared of me Brook. I've been in love with you for years, I would never hurt you. When I saw that wedding invitation and I saw the hurt in your eyes I wanted to murder him. When you're happy I feel like I can touch the clouds, when you're sad I want to destroy anything that brings that sadness. I've never felt this way towards anyone else. The love I have for you is all consuming, everytime I make love to you I have to fight the urge to hold you to me and never let you go. I have this overwhelming need to hold you, breathe you, have you. It drives me insane every day, but seeing you even from afar is enough to keep these feelings at bay. I don't ever want you to be scared of your feelings for me, just the thought that you feel even 1% of what I feel for you fills my heart with joy. So please don't resent those emotions."

"You know in the past I was prepared to drop our relationship if you got in too deep. If the old me heard you say all that, she'd break up with you on the spot. I wouldn't be able to handle being desired by you and not being able to feel the same towards you. I felt like I was using you for the longest time, but I guess the same could be said towards you. You used me to live out the fantasy of us that you've been holding onto for so long, a fantasy that is so close to coming true. I'll try to not let fear stop me but I can't promise you that'll be anytime soon."

"I'm willing to wait."

We finish our meal and get the bill. Dave brings me back to his place to watch some movies, he assures me that 'movies are the key to relaxation'. I take him up on his idea but we only make it half way into the movie before we're all over each other. We spent the night before the wedding tangled up in each other. This is definitely a great distraction from the disaster that's going to be tomorrow.