Robin Buckley imagines

Be Still, My Beating Heart

------Or the one where you are pinning for her, and she's pinning for someone else

Alright guys, this is a long one and I may or may not (totally did) have cried while writing it so... Consider yourselves warned I guess :p ------------------------

You always knew you were attracted to women, at least to some degree. It wasn't until you first dreamed of kissing another girl on the lips and told your mom about it - only for her to freak out, that you understood it wasn't the norm. So, you kept it quiet. At 13 you had your first real crush and at 15 you fell in love with your straight best friend. Maybe this decade was more open to same sex couples, but this little, quiet, in the middle of nowhere town that was Hawkins definitely wasn't. At least, the vast majority.

You chuckled at the irony of the fact that the town would freak out over a queer couple and yet, it had a whole other dimension filled with all kinds of nasty monsters and stuff. The thing is, you were more comfortable dealing with the demogorgon and demodog than dealing with the idea of your family, friends and people you love turning against you, shunning you, just because you loved girls. Correction. You liked girls. You only loved one.

It hadn't been until after you graduated high school and were visiting Steve, who surprisingly enough had turned into your best friend and the only person to know of your sexuality, that you once again confirmed you were, indeed, so very gay. You remember walking into Scoops Ahoy, and finding the most beautiful girl you had ever seen behind the counter, a scowl on her face. You swallowed the trepidation that made your heart race and clenched your jaw, trying not to stare too much. You had barely gotten out a "Hi" when Steve came out from the back and pulled you inside the back room, excited to see you after a couple of weeks of not having contact with you. You think you saw that gorgeous girl roll her eyes with a scoff and your heart fell.

You two hadn't been properly introduced until after Dustin came with the Russian transmission. Robin, was her name. And somehow, suddenly, it was the most beautiful, perfect name ever. When she told Steve that he was dumb in pig Latin, you snorted, causing her to look at you and for the first time you got a good look at her blue eyes. In that moment, you felt yourself fall down the rabbit hole, pulled into the depth of her eyes.

When you were stuck on the elevator with her, you remeber sitting quietly on the floor, frustrated beyond belief that you couldn't help her. You noticed she would sometimes hug herself, and you guessed she was feeling claustrophobic. You made a mental note to try to avoid tight situations from now on. All the time, in the Russian base, you wished you could hold her hand. You put yourself in front of her, shielding her from any unknown danger. You would stop her from being the first one to walk into a new room and when you were being chased by the Russian guards you made sure to never, ever, turn your back on her. And so, you ran much slower than you would, always keeping her in front of you.

You cursed yourself and Steve and even little Dustin when you realized the Russians were here for the gate. You hated that you had dragged Robin into this, that you had put her life at risk. By the end of the night, after the whole battle at the mall, you knew. You had fallen for her. You had fallen just like that elevator had. Unexpectedly, hard, fast and with no way out. You scowled.

That night, when you got home, you cried into your pillow. Because you knew, you knew, you were stuck again with having your heart walk out of your chest, never looking back. You knew, your heart was not your own anymore. The next day, you went to Steve's, and told him everything as he served you a glass of red wine, popped a beer for himself and put stupid romcoms so you could laugh or cry or both. You didn't notice the lingering looks he gave you or the conflicted frown on his face.

For the next few months, you distanced yourself. Only hanging out with Steve when you knew Robin wouldn't be around. You thought if you cut it before it grew, perhaps, just maybe, it would go away. A hopeless wish, you knew, but you wished it all the same. When you finally saw her again, working at family video, with that stupid vest and those stupid rings and cuffs, you knew you had utterly failed. If anything, it grew.