life's stepping stool

masumi's talk

8:46 am

Time to deal with this torture..I'm not prepared. I can't do this It's nobody here for me at home or here. Mrs. Neek is only doing her job, and I don't have any real friends except for one. Masumi has been my only friend for the past 5 years to help me with this life. I could sometimes count on her, but she could always count on me too, unlike my dad used to tell me. It used to be me and her forever, but then middle school came, and we became distant. She started to hang out with different people and only me when they were busy. I love it nevertheless, she's my only friend anyway.

"Sumi, that weird girl is coming over here. You really have to cut her off or we're going to get rid of you."

"Ok, ok, I'll talk to her."

"Hi, Masumi! I've been waiting to talk to you, my father passed away a few days ago, I'm sure you heard though. It's been hard and I had nobody to talk to. But now I have you here, so how have you been?"

"You never liked your dad, Alexis."

"He was my dad, I loved him. We just never seen eye to eye, and we'll never get the chance to..."

"No, you did this to yourself. You choose to argue with him every day. You choose to be an awful daughter, an awful friend, an awful person. You need to stop playing the victim card for once in your life! Everybody lost somebody in their life, they won't see that person again and you're not any different. You're selfish, a loner, and you choose to do this to yourself. I tried to help you, but you try to bring me down to your depressing level and I can't take it. You never own up to your mistakes and it's all your fault. You can't keep doing stupid things and then feel bad about them like it's going to fix it! You need to be a better person! Everything that happened to you isn't an excuse, you choose to be that way because of it. You need to change, and you need to realize that feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to make you feel any better until you're in the ground with your father."

"But..."

"No, it's not your past. It's you, and it will forever be you."

 Her words were as sharp as blades. She was the person I poured my heart into when it all went wrong. Yet I'm selfish? I did everything for her, and she did the bare minimum for me, but I never complained about a thing. I got to experience what a friend was like, and I thought it was normal. We were so close, but we lost it all little by little, and I assume this is the end of it. Her walking away with her group, everybody in the hallway whispering about us, and then me in the middle of the hallway, head down, hood on, fist clenched, and fighting back tears. why..why me? What have I ever done to deserve any of this? It's ironic, Alexis means protector of humanity and defender, yet my shield is broken, and I can't shield myself from anything.

9:00 am

The first bell... I don't think I can do it. "It's ok fatherless lexis, keep your head up!" a light-skinned afro-headed boy said. And just like that, it started.

"Fatherless Lexis. Fatherless Lexis. Fatherless Lexis! Fatherless Lexis!! Fatherless Lexis!!!!!! Fatherless Lexis!!!!!!!!!!"

each time the chant gets louder and louder until I just feel my feet moving and my face facing the floor with my vision blurry and my eyes teary.