Citrus: Mei's Story vol. 4 - Wounded Heart

I. Devastation and Chance Encounters

Suddenly Yuzu straightened into a sitting position and took her hand off my chest. Instead of leaving, she sat there staring down at the hand she had held on my chest as she continued to blush and glance towards me.
"Wha-what's going on, Mei?"
I stared at her in disbelief. I had thought that it was all but clear. I quickly thought over everything that had happened since I set down my plate till now. At each point except where I rushed at the beginning we were in complete wordless unity as I paid attention to her body language and took it slow.
Why is it just when I try to put it into words that she doesn't seem to understand?! I'm being direct like the brat told—
I blinked.
Is it really this simple? Of all things... would this really be the way she'll understand what I'm asking of her?
"I just wanted to express my gratitude."
It's my love I am expressing, but you seem to have issues with it so I'm cutting out the words for now. I do mean what I am saying, but it's only a symptom. The core of everything I feel and do with you is my absolute love and desire to be yours.
Her eyes returned to me and asked the questions that I had been trying to answer the entire night. I shifted a bit further away so I didn't bump into her as I moved when the time came. Ironically as soon as I no longer focused on what truth I said, the easier it was to say things. My gratitude was an aspect of my love for her. But even as everything else screams how in love I am with her, if I just talked about an aspect she could accept it.
It's like she's terrified to face the idea of things being romantic.
"Things have been really hard lately, with my grandfather falling sick and then my father showing up..."
Yuzu... is that why you keep bringing up being sisters? Are you so scared that you can't even comprehend what I'm doing as I'm confessing my love?
"But you forced your way into the middle of it all and led me through it."
If so then I'll find another way to directly show my romantic love so that you can respond.
"That's why..."
I won't talk about my love.
I rose from where I sat to a straight kneeling position and started loosening my uniform tie.
"I thought it was only fair to give you what you want."
I'll talk about your part of our mutual love, all while doing something I've never wanted to do until I wanted to do it with you and only you.
"Mei..?!"
Shock and realisation shown in her eyes just like it had right before her mind tried to run from the conversation. The difference this time was that she didn't mentally run. In fact she stopped running and was fully with me in the moment like I had always wanted. With nothing at all keeping her in place, Yuzu did nothing but watch as I pulled off my tie and dropped it to the floor near her. Her eyes drank in my every movement as I unbuttoned my uniform blouse. I stared at her face. Both of our bodies screaming our desire to be one in every way but verbal. With each move, I remembered how it used to be. How it was always those rough hands clawing off my clothes without care for my wants and desires. In contrast now I was the one clawing, but it wasn't her clothes. It was my own. Because I wanted her to see all of me and know that I was hers. It was my first time experiencing it like this. Where my nakedness was because I consented. And her eyes hungrily drank me in. I finished unbuttoning my blouse and let it drop off my shoulders as I asked my question.
"This is what you want, right?"
You want me in this way, but not just this way. You want my heart and without any masks or lies.
At my question, Yuzu adjusted her sitting position so she was closer. Her blushing face stared in awe and the type of disbelief one has when a dream seems to become reality. I almost laughed in delight. For some reason this was working to get past the strange block and letting her be open with her feelings and desires. It was no longer a question of if she desired me. She did. And I desired her. There was clearly more than simple desire at play. I tossed my blouse onto the floor and wondered what Yuzu thought of my bra. I bent over as I slipped off my panties. It brought my face wonderfully close to hers as she shifted from a sitting position towards laying on her back.
"Are you sure about this...?"
Her voice tickled in its whispered tones. She couldn't hide that nervous excitement we were both feeling. But the question seemed so strange to me. Of course it was what I wanted. It wasn't all I wanted or all she wanted, but it was a place where we were able to be honest in a different way. There was also another reason why I wanted it. All my abusers had been male. I wanted the first time with a woman to not just be consensual, but with her and only her. I also wanted to be her first time if she wanted me like she seemed to. And so it was simple to answer honestly.
"Yes, I am."
I let my love and longing show on my face as I moved onto my hands and knees on the sofa in front of her. She repositioned a second time so that she sat in front of me with her legs open and she moved one of my hands onto her thigh as she placed her other hand on my cheek and started caressing me like I had always dreamed. I instinctively nuzzled into her touch and kissed her hand as I looked at her. We stared into each other. I saw her blazing storm of love and desire for me. She saw the vast and deep ocean of love and devotion to her. For what seemed like an eternity we sat staring at our mutual feelings as we caressed each other. And then she couldn't help herself. She tenderly took my face in her hands and guided me towards the first kiss. The line that I was inviting her to cross was right there and we were sprinting towards it. As soon as we would cross it, there would be no more hiding that it was anything less than the strongest of romantic and sexual love. I couldn't take my eyes off my Yuzu's own beautiful face.
Yuzu... I love you... please don't you dare stop!
We were almost there and I saw her eyes drift open. I don't know what she saw when she looked into my eyes, but suddenly her own flew open and I saw the rapidly closing walls between her true feelings and what she allowed others to see.
Yuzu hurry please!!! I want you, only you and always you. I can see it's the same for you, even before this. Please take me as your lover and please be my girlfriend.
"Sorry..."
Why?!
I felt her forehead hit my upper chest and it felt like the first true nail in a coffin. There was such deep regret and longing and confusion at her own actions in her voice that I still thought I was going to feel her lips on mine before we lost ourselves to the still palpable passion. And then the second nail struck the coffin lid.
"I can't!!"
Why?! Why does I can't actually sound like I want to but I'm not supposed to want to?! What is stopping you?!
Everything fell away around us. She clutched at the straps of my bra. We were frozen in that moment after. I didn't understand what had occurred or why she had suddenly stopped only to clutch at me right after.
Is this...what rejection feels like?
Like when my father shattered my world, I was once again plunged into my own darkness. The only difference was that it was Yuzu holding me under with her false words. I suddenly couldn't be there anymore. I realised how naked I was in every way and I was struck with a deep shame. Not for my actions or anything mundane. I was ashamed that I had let myself hope that she would ever really accept such a wicked thing as me. I wordlessly slipped from her hands and left her shell shocked form slumped on the sofa as I collected my clothes and left the room. As the door was almost shut I said what would become the last thing I said to her for over a month. I no longer had to worry if my emotions were noticeable or how they would be interpreted. I couldn't hide this pain and rage.
"Good night..."
I pulled the door into slamming shut. And walked straight into mother's room to curl up into a ball and weep while my back pressed against the door to make sure that damn coward couldn't further break my heart.