Citrus: Mei's Story vol. 4 - Wounded Heart

III. Dark Gamble

I wandered in a sea of muted grey that was my world without Yuzu. All colour and happiness had been pulled away the moment I saw her run. I had failed. Instead of goading Yuzu into confessing, I had likely just ruined it forever. My love for Yuzu would go from mutual but unspoken to actually unrequited unless I did something. And so I wandered the hotel in search of the only other person who might be able to save me from this hellish existence. It took me a while of searching before I found someone useful.
"Nina."
The tall pretty girl was heading towards the elevators and likely the dining hall while once again in a yukata— though this one was more properly fitted so it didn't slip off. Upon hearing her name she turned and smiled a very Maruta smile.
"Mei, good—"
"Where's you're sister?"
Her smile never wavered, but I still felt the air around us grow a little thicker with tension. She started fussing with her bow.
"Someone's in a rush. Did something not go well?"
Not the time for games.
"Nina, where's Sara? It's important and I don't want to waste anymore time."
"Why?"
I'm not in the mood, Nina!
"What?"
As soon as I asked, the mask dropped and she stepped closer. I stepped back to avoid her and found myself back to a wall. The girl casually rested her right arm on the wall slightly above my head as she leaned down to loom over me and used her left index finger to emphasise her words with taps to my chest.
"I'm not telling you until you answer why. I'd be a horrible sister if I let you go and break her heart. So if there is someone else, tell me and I'll take care of my sister."
She can't possibly know about Yuzu!
"That's not it."
"Oh?"
"Sara confessed to me and is waiting for an answer. We have a free day tomorrow and so I was going to see if she wanted to go out on a date."
Nina lowered herself even closer so her searching eyes where mere inches from my own cold stare.
"Really?"
"Yes. Now tell me where I can find her."
"She's in the baths."
She suddenly straightened and stepped back, causing the air around us to snap back to normal as she once more put on the ditzy girl mask. She gave me one final false smile that didn't hide the ready fire in her eyes.
"You two have fun! Promise to make Sara happy, okay?!"
I nodded and started off for the baths. With each step my heart broke a little more and I found myself staring at a new manifestation of my darkness. Ice Princess Aihara stared back at me with such raw aggression that she may as well have stabbed me.
"Why are you hesitating? This is necessary."
I can't just turn off my love for Yuzu.
"What is love but attraction and lust and possessiveness for the body of another person, remember? We learned that early on."
There's more than that! More to my feelings for her!
"Those will fade in time. All petty things fade. Love is just another cage. Besides it's too late, she's gone."
We don't know that! She's never given up before, she won't this time.
"You broke her heart better than anything I would have done. It's over, but if such feelings are necessary for us to continue forward... there's another possibility."
It's... it's not the same. I like her, she's adorable and warm and sweet but... I don't think I'm in love with her.
"No... we're not. Not yet at least, but emotions change overtime. We could cultivate love or something that could satisfy this craving of yours."
And if I never love her the way she deserves? The way she loves me?
"Irrelevant worries should not be allowed to cloud our mind. You have poured so much effort and passion into this pursuit of Yuzu. It's time to release that and find satisfaction at seeing them accepted by someone who is willing. That way you don't have to feel the pain as your feelings for her slowly die from her cowardice."
I won't lie to her. If I do this, I'm going to tell Sara that I don't love her. That there was someone else. I'll let her decide if she's willing to move forward.
"Lying is only useful if the spreading of it gains us something anyway. We can satisfy Sara, and she can give us what you want in return. Lying is unnecessary for now."
She dissipated and I found myself kneeling on the floor in one of the elevators. Fortunately I was alone. The encounter with my darkness still lingering in the recesses of my mind and my chest felt like a dagger was twisting inside of it while being wielded by my own hand. There was no one else at fault this time. This was all my doing. My cowardice and attempts to get Yuzu to react had broken her and soon she'd come to hate me. And so, despite my emotions being absolutely clear, I rode the elevator down and got off on the level that held the large communal baths. I had thought it would be a busy section of the hotel so close to bedtime. I was expecting there to be a wall of chaos as I waited for a chance to encounter the little angel whose smile might mend my heart. I never planned to actually enter the baths. But the changing room was nearly empty. A few girls were quickly getting dressed as I entered and only one uniform— a sailor-style one of black and grey and made to fit someone as small as a child— remained in the lockers. My heart started to pound in protest but I took a deep breath and stripped out of my own uniform, which I hung in the locker next to Sara's. I hesitated only a moment.
Yuzu, if you still love me. Then please, tell me before I can do this...
I looked back towards the entrance as I grabbed a towel, but no one else was there. She wasn't coming. With a sorrowful sigh, I entered into the women's baths. Sara wasn't very difficult to find. She was just getting ready to scrub herself with soaps and shampoo. I stared at her, hoping for something within me to react so I'd know it was really possible. There was only the pounding of my heart as the blades of regret and guilt continued to twist. All the while, I kept silently wishing that I could just love her or that Yuzu would pull me back into her arms. And then she saw me. It was just like every time I encountered Yuzu in the bathroom at home. She blushed the deepest crimson in exactly the same way as Yuzu, and seeing that... my heart stopped and I felt Yuzu's warmth and my own face burned as I remembered Yuzu in the bath looking exactly the same way at me.
And finally I understood my feelings towards Sara. I was attracted to parts of her, but they were the things that reminded me of Yuzu. I knew that it would always be because of that. I just hoped that if I was going to ever move on with her, that she could make me forget this painfully strong love. And so I pushed myself forward. I smiled at her as I took a seat to wash myself next to her, and made sure I gave her the most flattering view of my naked body. I fought my revulsion at being seen in this way again. I pushed against the memories of the others who looked at my naked body and tried to make myself imagine that it was Yuzu.
I knew Sara was not like the others. She wasn't like Himeko. But she also wasn't Yuzu. Still I kept going. If I was going to move on, I couldn't hold back. I would secure this path to mend my breaking heart by relying on the only thing I was well versed in. I glanced over to see Sara looking down while still blushing. It was clear she had seen but felt ashamed and nervous about what I would think. So I made the choice to not think about how it made me feel and tried to comfort her.
        "Are you alright? You're not usually this quiet."
        She jumped and turned as if to look at me, but then remembered that I was naked and immediately turned the other way.
      Please, don't run from me too. If I can't have Yuzu...
      "Oh! Uh... yes. Sorry, I didn't mean to look!"
      I took the wash bucket and rinsed off the excess soap from my body and closed my eyes as I pushed forward.
      "Don't be afraid. It's alright. I don't mind. Besides... it's something you want, right?"
    Liar.
     I opened my eyes to find her washing off the rest of the shampoo she used in the shower before running into the nearby bath. Just a glimpse of her face as she passed told me that she was attempting to be a good girl and show respect for me, but if I allowed that then I would never be able to let go of Yuzu. We'd never leave this cycle of avoiding our hearts and causing each other pain. It wasn't just for her. She was always the altruistic one of us. And Sara was so like her. I had to make sure that if I was moving on, they were someone Yuzu could approve of. I had already hurt her so much in trying to make her confess her feelings. I had to make sure I never hurt her again. And so I got to my feet and kept my back to where Sara was trying so hard to be good.
        "Sara."
        "Yes?!"
       "Please... don't keep looking away. I don't mind, really. If I did I wouldn't be here."
       Don't see... don't see me shivering. Don't see my tears. Just see my body. Don't look for my heart.
       I didn't listen for her answer. I walked into the nearby shower and finished rinsing off with my eyes closed. As soon as I was sure I had my emotions back under control and was ready, I sauntered over and slipped into the bath with Sara. It was a good deal bigger than the bath at our house, so I was able to make sure I moved in what was so often told was the most appealing from the men before. I made my way over to Sara as seductively as I could bring myself to be and reached out to take her hand like I had with Yuzu on Christmas Eve.
        Don't. I don't want this. Even if it's better this way, I don't want to do this with anyone else but Yuzu.
       I fought with my heart and tried to not see Sara. Instead I turned her into Yuzu so that I could continue.
       "You have such beautiful hair, may I?"
       "Oh, um... yes... "
       Receiving her consent, I gently took her hair and started caressing it. It didn't quite have the same texture but it was still soft and lovely to feel on my wet skin.
       "Would you like me to put it up for you? So it can dry."
       Just imagine Yuzu. We can do this if we keep thinking it's Yuzu.
       "Thank you!"
       I'm sorry Sara... I promise it won't always be this way.
       With her back to me, I imagined something adorable that I'd love to see Yuzu attempt if her hair was this long. It was a bit difficult to accomplish, but I attempted to make two little bear ears. They flopped to the sides but kept their shape. Seeing the nape of her neck I imagined it was Yuzu and nuzzled in. Sara immediately reacted with a yelp.
      "What are you doing?"
       She turned to face me as she asked and I immediately closed the distance and held her to me.
      "This is what you want, right? You don't just have permission to look. You can touch anywhere you want."
       No!
      "Um, Mei..."
      "It's alright, I don't mind. I'm sorry if I'm moving too fast, I'm a little nervous. But I can do this much."
      Stop! It's not her... it's not Yuzu! Don't do this!
      I felt hands pushing against me and looked down to see Sara with her eyes firmly shut and her face completely red from blushing. Suddenly my delusion shattered and I immediately felt shame and self-revulsion at letting someone other than Yuzu see me like this, regret and disgust drove me away from her and I could only hope she didn't see my reaction.
       "I don't want that..."
       Her voice came out shrill and a little scared.
       Of course not. Who would? I'm rotten.
     "Not without your answer to my confession."
      I glanced back and saw her looking to the side in embarrassment. But she dared to come closer, despite my behaviour.
      "Mei, I'm crazy about you. Nothing would make me happier than being able to make you happy. But doing stuff like that, without knowing your feelings, without you feeling the same about me... I can't do that."
       She's too good.
       I couldn't meet her eyes as memories of everything Yuzu and I had already done flooded into my mind.
     "And if it isn't love?"
     "Only you can answer that. Please, Mei, tell me your answer."
      I turned towards her slowly as my heart writhed. My love for Yuzu pulled me to go, while my attraction to Sara begged me to stay. I couldn't keep my eyes on her.
     "I... I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm in love with you..."
     "I understand..."
     She looked down with a heartbroken expression, but I didn't let it end there. I couldn't. I had already started down this path. I needed to keep going and see where it led me.
     "But..."
     "Yes?!"
     As she looked up, I found it too painful. I had to turn my back as once more hot tears started to sting my eyes. With every word I felt my heart crack further.
     "I am attracted to you, there are things about you that I really like. Maybe with time... I could fall in love with you."
       I need that to happen... I can't keep going on like this, and if I had destroyed things with Yuzu... I needed to do better with Sara.
     "Mei...?"
     I heard her move towards me and my fear took hold. I rushed through my idea.
     "So, if you're willing, we could spend tomorrow together on a date?"
     "Mei, why won't you look at me?"
      Because I'm wretched. I can't let you see how much this is killing me.
     "I'm just nervous."
     "Mei... what's going on? You're not acting like yourself."
     I heard her move closer. Instinctively I moved further away and closed in on myself.
     "Maybe that would be better, right?"
      Yuzu...
     "Why?"
     "I... I'm not normal."
    I am merely a living shadow of a shattered person. Only Yuzu was ever able to breathe life into me, and now she's gone.
    "I don't care. Whether you were a boy or girl, weird or normal... I'd still like you. It's you as a person that I fell for."
    "I'm... I'm different than that. I only like girls."
     I can't even stomach the thought of being with a man again.
    "And that's a problem?"
    "Yes, no... I don't know. It would be... easier if I wasn't like this. I wouldn't have this... pain."
     I wouldn't have hurt her so much...
    "Mei?"
    "Maybe things wouldn't have gotten so messed up with her."
    I froze. I suddenly realised that I was opening up to Sara about things I had always held back. It felt... good. I took a deep breath and continued before she said another word.
    "I fell in love with... a classmate. It was a bit awkward and we both seemed interested. We never admitted our feelings, but let them run wild."
      Not for lack of trying. But there was too much we didn't say.
    "It ended?"
     It must have. It would take a miracle to fix what I broke tonight.
    "Christmas Eve, I tried to confess and we almost slept together but just before everything happened... she rejected me out of cowardice."
    "Christmas Eve?"
    She sounded sad and she stopped coming closer. I felt like I was missing something but I couldn't stop talking until I had poured out everything at her feet. I turned back to let her see my brokenness.
    "It ruined me. I was trying to use this trip to feel better and move forward."
    "I see..."
She nodded as she took in my words and then resumed coming closer.
    "When you confessed, I didn't know how to respond. I wanted to be honest with you because I do care about you and I am attracted to you. Are you alright with that?"
       Sara seemed to think for a moment, and then smiled warmly.
      "Of course. I'd be happy to go out with you and help you heal your heart."
      I let out a sigh, and she hugged me. It felt warm, but not as comforting as I was used to from Yuzu. I tried to embrace it and come to terms with my new reality. We separated and eventually got to planning our fateful date. It was difficult not to cry as I moved further and further from where my heart lay, but I struggled through it. I forced myself to remember that this was for the best. The only other option was for Yuzu to decide that she wouldn't give me to anyone and finally admit what we had, but I felt sure that I had thoroughly destroyed that. And so I planned my date with Sara. I decided it would be nice to visit the Kyoto Station's shopping centre and see what they had to offer. There was also an observation tower connected to it that was said to be romantic. I had thought of taking Yuzu up there after our mutual confession, but it would also be the perfect place to see with Sara and try to get something in me to spark with who she was beyond the similarities to Yuzu. After that she wanted to take me to a restaurant she had seen when she had arrived. Our date planned, I got out of the bath and bowed to her.
"I will be in your care."
I'm sorry Yuzu. This is the only thing I could think of. I told you I was going to date her to spur you forward, but if you're going to give up on me then I better not let you down further by not keeping my word. She's not you, but she's good. I just hope you can forgive me and find someone better to make you happy.
Sara let out a little giggle as she rested her head on the edge of the bath and looked up at me.
"I look forward to winning your heart for you."
I turned and collected my towel to dry off before exiting the baths area. As I reached the door I looked back one last time and wondered if I had made the right decision. The steam and distance to the bath were Sara rested was so great that I couldn't even tell she was there. I heard footsteps and figured it was time to leave. I assumed it would be Nina coming to check on her dear sister. I turned back to leave and the door suddenly opened. There, naked in front of me except for a towel looking as handsome and gorgeous as ever with her slender toned frame and her golden hair done up in a short ponytail, was Yuzu. My eyes went wide as my heart once more started racing and I had to hold onto the door's frame just to keep myself from pulling her into my arms. As realisation of her situation dawned on her I remembered my own precarious circumstances. After my attempts to push Yuzu into confessing when her nerves were getting the better of her and led to me breaking both of our hearts and she ran, I had lost myself to my darkness and sought out Sara. In my decision to give up and accept my belief that Yuzu was going to hate me, I had stripped down and thrown myself at the only other person who was as good as Yuzu if not better because she didn't hold back and accepted what little I had left to give. And now here I stood staring at the face of the girl I still loved but was going to give up, while the girl I liked because she was so similar to Yuzu was further inside. Then Yuzu blushed in that same way that always made me feel like the luckiest girl alive.
"Uh, er, I...!"
Don't let her speak here. Don't let Sara see me with her...
I hardened my expression to hide the typhoon of emotions swirling within me and fell back on my duties as student council president.
"Our school's designated time to use the bath..."
I slowly stepped past Yuzu, holding her in the changing room by my voice and the fact that she apparently couldn't stop staring at me still.
"Ended fifteen minutes ago."
Around the same time I arrived to talk to Sara.
I closed my eyes to maintain my composure, and moved towards my locker.
"Then what are you doing here?!"
In a panic at what was happening both within me and the entire night, I quickly referred to the exception to the curfew.
"Student council members had patrol duty, so we were allowed to go in afterwards."
I'm sorry for everything Yuzu. You were right back then. I am horrible. I just hope it's not too late. I hope you can forgive me. Please... don't go in there.
"If you're going to just disregard the rules like that..."
Please, I know I have no right to ask anything. But please, don't go in there.
"Then you're not only causing our school trouble, but trouble for everyone else as well."
It was very heavy handed and I was completely miserable because I was lying to her and because I couldn't stop loving her. She groaned loudly.
"Alright, alright! I get it!!"
There was the sound of the door to the baths sliding open and my heart stopped. I turned to see Yuzu rush in.
"I'll hop in real quick and be right out!"
I hope Sara didn't hear us! Please don't find her and realise who she is... either of you. If tomorrow goes well, it'll be a better future. You'll find someone who's actually worthy of your brightness and warmth. You'll be able to forget the shadow.
I got changed into my uniform and left before my feelings burst out and I ruined my own plans for moving on.