Voyage 2002

"Jesus, Agge!" Frida exclaimed. January 2002 / Frida

She turned the volume up on the car radio.

Vår Sista Dans.

Delightful.

She had just dropped Ludvig and Benny off at Cirkus and was now driving out of town. All in all, they had had an incredibly fun evening and morning. It was Ludvig's birthday the day before and the three of them had gone out to dinner. Again, at Operan. She had asked him about his participation in the Chess' choir and how he liked it. He had told her all kinds of things. That he wrote his own music, that he sang and that he had gotten his first guitar from Björn. She already knew all that from Benny, but she hadn't let that show. It wasn't that she'd never spoken to Ludvig before either, but having a conversation with him that lasted this long and without other people around - except for his father - was the first time. When they got to dessert, she suddenly discovered that she had forgotten to give him her present. She handed him the small box; a combination of a set of new strings and a gift coupon from the store where she had bought them. He was genuinely pleased and stood up for a moment for a hug. After they had discussed all sorts of things, he suddenly looked at her seriously. "How are you, Frida? Is it hard for you that it will soon be January 13th again?"

Ouch.

The sudden question threw her off balance. Without being able to stop it, she teared up. "Sorry!"

"No, I have to say 'sorry', I shouldn't have ambushed you like that."

Benny took her hand and patted Ludvig's back briefly in an encouraging gesture.

"I'm sorry," Ludvig repeated.

"It doesn't matter," she said. "It's just a wound that never really heals, I guess."

To her surprise, he stood up. He walked over and took a seat on the chair next to her.

"I totally get that and you really don't need to feel awkward! I'd be crying in your place, too."

Before she knew it, that was exactly what she was doing. Benny was holding her hand and Ludvig was sitting next to her, handing her a napkin so she could dry her tears.

"Sorry."

"No 'sorry,' Fridan," Benny said, running his thumb over her hand. "There's really nothing to be sorry for. And you have nothing to be ashamed of. I told Ludde a lot about Lotta. We often looked at pictures and I showed him the videos."

"The holiday videos?" she asked.

He nodded.

"I haven't seen those in such a long time!"

"As soon as you're ready, you can watch them with me. Or we can have them copied. I think you digitize all that stuff these days," Benny replied, rubbing his beard.

"Yes, you can," Ludvig said. "Max probably knows how to do it. Shall I ask him?"

She looked up. "If you could, I'd love that. But I don't know if I want to watch them right now," she replied. "I don't know if I can." She felt that she was overwhelmed. That still happened every now and then. She squeezed Benny's hand. "I'm going to go to the bathroom for a minute. I need to come to myself," she said next. She stood up, grabbed her purse and walked to the ladies' room. Quickly she ducked into a cubicle. The tears immediately fought their way out and she grabbed her phone. Seeing almost nothing, she began to type. "Ludde said something very sweet about Lotta at dinner and now I'm sitting in the ladies' room crying. Please, don't call me, just send me a digi hug or something. X, F." She grabbed toilet paper to dab her eyes and noticed that she was struggling to control herself. If she didn't hold back, she would let out long cries.