Amnesia || LEVIHAN ||

Chapter 3: Nightmares

Levi's POV

I couldn't give her a straight answer. I sighed, shaking my head. "I... I want to... but I don't... it's difficult. It's not a yes or no answer. I've been a different person for the past 3 years, Hanji. I want to continue living this way. But... if that is my daughter... I shouldn't leave her. Can we take small steps? I don't like the idea of my life suddenly changing and I don't want to be thrust into a life that I don't remember."

Hanji nods her head, "That's fine. Taking it slowly is better than nothing. Raven would love to know you... I mean, once your memories come back, at least."

She continues to talk about Raven, hoping to spark some memories about her. But I can't remember a thing. Just a feeling of overwhelming happiness when I see her. Her playmates comes over, and I dismissed myself. I don't want her to explain about me being a deadbeat dad with no memories of the past. That sounds insane. We exchanged numbers and I went to find Petra.

I found her in a store, busy burying herself in a shopping spree. She was completely caught off-guard when she found me alone.

"Did you leave her alone-."

"Raven's playmates came over, so I dismissed myself. Don't worry, I have her phone number. I'll contact her later."

"So? What's going on? Are you going back to her?"

"Not immediately. We'll take it slowly. I can't jump back into my old life if I can't remember anything before my accident. She'll help me spark a few memories, and... well, we'll see what we'll go from there." I looked down at my feet, shaking my head, "On the other hand, I don't want to remember. What I did to her and Raven..."

"There must be some other reason why you didn't come back to her."

"If there is, I can't see it, Petra. The only reason I can think of is the fact that I am a cowardly father. I abandoned her. I abandoned her on that day when she needed me most. I ran away from everything. Maybe my amnesia is my punishment for abandoning her."

"Levi-."

"Just... don't. I'm not in the mood right now."

*   *   *

I wanted to embrace Petra in my arms that night, but she distanced herself away from me. That must be surprising to be the one to realize that the one she's been loving this entire time has a family of his own. She probably wants to be in my life as little as possible after finding out that fact.

The second I closed my eyes, those nightmares began again. But for some reason, I always forget them once I wake up.

*   *   *

The sound of a baby crying in this darkness. It felt like I'd heard this before, but I'm sure I never did. When I opened my eyes, I saw myself pinned under burning metal with flames licking the sides of it. I remember that there was someone on my mind, but when I reached out for that memory, she quickly became nothing. Her face lost its features as it became a blur. I thought of her voice, but that quickly distorted into nothingness. 

I tried to scream her name, but the second it left my lips, I passed out again.

*   *   *

What was I dreaming about? 

I rubbed my eyes, shaking my head as sweat dripped down my forehead. I wish I knew what I was dreaming about... and I wish I remembered my past. I want to know why I abandoned those two... that's something I can't leave behind. The truth is somewhere... I just need to find it.

I take my phone, seeing it around 4 am. For some reason, I walked into the living room and dialed Hanji's number. I knew it was too early, but I felt like I needed to talk to her. I can't explain it...

"Hello?" She answers without a hint of drowsiness. Did she have trouble sleeping as well? "Levi, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry to wake you up," I say, "but I just had trouble sleeping and I felt like I needed to call you. Do you know anything about that?"

She laughs softly, "I do. Whenever you were off doing business trips, you always called me, no matter what. We would talk until you fell asleep. You had the worse case of insomnia I ever knew. If you're slowly remembering things, I wouldn't be surprised that you would've done this."

"We just talked until I fell asleep?"

"Well... that's what you said. I always fall asleep quicker than you. Whenever I woke up and called you back up in the morning, you used to tell me that you fell asleep first. I always thought of that as the truth."

"What did we talk about?" I lay down on the couch, trying to see if it'll work. "Out of curiosity."

"We used to talk about our day. You would talk about how you've interacted with brats. You called the assistant brats because they were so young and not listening to you. You always complained about how much they don't keep their work desk clean or always forgetting something. Something along those lines. Then, you would ask about Raven because you always seemed to know how I've been."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You always guessed what I did. Telling me I was predictable. No matter what I tried to do, you always knew what I did. I got scared you had a camera on me, but you would never do that." Hanji fell silent before talking again, "Before I lost our son, you promised that you'll be there for me. I remember hearing you promise me that over and over. You knew what I was feeling when I never told you directly."

"I'm sorry I was never there. If I could remember-."

"I believe that you forgot everything... it's just a shame that we would never know what truly happened because of it. I want to know the truth... but I know that you can't give it to me."

"Was there anything else we did?"

Hanji chuckles softly, "Many."

"Tell me... until we fall asleep."