To Be Made Whole (A Christian Romance) (On Hold)

Chapter 1: In The Clearing

I could feel the coolness from the earth through the layered linen fabrics that draped over each leg of mine. The crisp grass and the sharp scent of wild onions strongly danced in the air and could easily be detected throughout the clearing. To be alone during the cool spring morning brought the most peace I had experienced in a while.

I winced as I pulled my knees up towards my chest. Holding myself close. The way I wish I were held when the pain wasn't purely physical, but emotional too. Pain shot throughout my feet and throughout my heart, but none of it surprised me in the least.

I ran away last night.

I ran away from the problems that muddied my past and dimmed the hope that I once had. The present felt painful and when the pain seemed to subside, numbness took its place. I didn't know that could happen. The fear of my future kept me up at night, but I couldn't help but feel as if they wouldn't care. Would they ever?

I ran and I cried for hours, trying to escape the harsh memories that would assault any peace that I had left. I ran from those who said they loved me, but for some reason, I did not feel the love they professed to have towards me. Running brought a comfort that my mother's love, or the potential lack thereof, didn't bring me.

I had thought that when my twenties came around, I would finally feel strong, confident, and sure of my future. Instead, I was now faced with the death of the only adult that I truly trusted. My sweet, kind-hearted grandmother. My mama.

I was ill-prepared for her passing and I couldn't help but feel even less prepared for my future without her. Every breath that I took felt oddly painful, although I had no underlying issues to explain it. That's when I realized this pain I felt, rested deep within my soul and not within my physical body.

"Breathe," I thought to myself.

Running my hands along the long cloth, I sighed. This once beige linen dress was now splattered with earthy browns and vibrant green blades of grass. I could only make it out a little since the sun was still rising. Yet the vibrancy of the grass appeared to glow in the dim lighting. Green has always been my favorite color.

It was a little after five in the morning and the sky was becoming bright with colors. The golden rays of the sun were greeting the horizon and bringing the dark hue of blue to a much lighter and brighter version of itself. It looked the opposite of what I felt. It appeared to be serene and joyful. Without a care in the world while it went about its daily routine.

"If I could only experience such beauty and simplicity," I thought, feeling the bitterness behind each word.

Slowly I laid my back onto the cool ground beneath me, allowing myself to soak in the surroundings. I stared up at the once-starry sky. My mind wandered.

I knew I didn't want to go back home just yet. I still lived with my parents as I attempted to complete college. My major was chosen for them and not myself. I knew I couldn't face them just yet. Especially after the loss of my grandmother. She made living there bearable.

A small smile stretched across my face as I remembered the enthusiastic 97-year-old. She was so alive and didn't let her age hinder her. Her kind dark brown eyes always brought comfort to others and even though she had lost most of her mobility, she still insisted on helping us cook dinners every Sunday night after her church service.

Her tight curls would always be refreshed just before each service and her petite frame would be modestly cloaked with another creation that she had made herself years prior when she still sewed. She always had a positive outlook and I wished to be like her. Positive, kind, and strong.

"I miss you, mama," I whispered to the sky. At some point, my hand had stretched outward towards it. Maybe if I could reach far enough, the God she believed in would allow me to bring her back.