My Obsession With a Slanted Mirror

September 22, 2010

Well, I officially want to die now. Stupid, stupid boys! 

Yesterday I was going about my day as normal, classes her fine. I got into ASB and as soon I walk in the door Stacey is right in front of me dragging me off to talk to her. She then explains to me that Jake, who is on the football team mind you though doesn't play as much as James, has been telling everyone that he made out with me on our date and that I liked it or something, and that I was begging for sex or something. GREAT! Now, I know why James has been avoiding me the past couple of days! I felt horrible all day, Monster started to gnash  at the chains that kept him down in the dark place where it was hidden.

I didn't speak another word all day until math class. This is the only class I have with Jake. He sat one row away from me to my right. I sat in class quietly. Mr. Pinyan told us to get in our groups and do our homework. That was the good thing about that class is most of the work was done in groups. He believed it was easier to learn and actually remember when you help each other learn. I started to hear Jake's groups converstation. He was talking about me, and he wasn't even doing it quietly? It was too late now, Monster had grown strong and broke the chains that bound him. This time I actually remembered what I had said. It brought a lot of pleasure to Monster, and dispicably me too, so I'm going to write it down. 

"Jake how could you ever think that I would ever want to kiss a lowlife like you! You disgust me! I never wanted to go on that date with you, but was nice enough to agree! Now you're spreading rumors about it that aren't even true? Are you really that desperate that you have to lie about getting some to make people like you? Wow, you're as horrible as your kissing! Yea, thats right! YOU ARE A HORRIBLE KISSER! Plus, you need to brush your teeth or something because your mouth tasted aweful!" 

I excused myself, and went to Mrs. Jenner's room. I luckily didn't get in trouble for my outburst becuase everyone else was talking that Mr. Pinyan couldn't hear it. I sat in her room and cried. Mrs. Jenner is one of my favorite teacher, she's almost like a friend to me and listens to me when I need it. She's like the my replacement for Marie. 

She told me to go home, and not to worry about conditioning class, it was just going to be a relaxed day anyways. 

That night I texted James, I told him that we needed to talk. Well I'll write down the converstation, its a lot easier than saying 'he said, she said'.

Me: James we need to talk.

James: About what? I think I've heard all I need to know from Jake.

Me: Thats what I'm talking about it was all a lie! He was lying about everything he said, except for the kissing part.

James: Yea, thats my point. You kissed him and you wouldn't kiss me? Thats what I'm confused about?

Me: I didn't want to he forced himself on me. I was really mad he did that can't you understand?

James: I don't thats the thing, and I'm not even sure if I even know you. For the longest time I thought you really liked me, you were a great friend, and it wasn't until a little while ago that I started to pick up on your hints after temporarly splitting form Kels. I wanted to see if you felt the same way back so I tried to kiss you, but you pulled away. I understood, you wanted to be just friends it was cool. But now you tell me that you kssed Jake but you don't even like him? I just don't understand. 

Me: James I do like you! More than you realize, but I was confused that night! I did want to kiss you!

James: Its too late now, I'm giving Kels a second shot. Sorry.... 

I didn't reply after that. My world had crumbled down into fine dust. I wanted to cry. I should have kissed him! It was too late now, he was back with Kelsea and it seemed like he didn't want to be my friend anymore. Wait, hes back with Kelsea! I almost forgot about those photos! Ugh, but I couldn't do that to him, he would find out it was me and be even more angry with me. Well, I guess that was my last chance. 

I felt awful, like my heart hit the bottom of my lower intestines and exploded with heartache everywhere. I took HER out. She laughed at me. How dare she? She was right though. I deserved to be laughed at because I would never be HER. 

So now onto today. Horrible day at school, people were looking at me again like I was some kind of alien with seven eyes or something. Classes went on as normal. I saw James today, he just gave me a half smile and walked away. I guess things are okay, but not how I want them to be. 

Today was my first day with the Therapist. Her name is Kathy O'brian. She wants me to call her Kathy, I guess a first name basis makes a person more comfortable with opening up. She first asked what brought me here this day? I only answered with the fact that I was told to go and that I agreed to do so. She then asked me questions like how are you feeling, why are you feeling that way, what can you do to not feel that way? I answered them all. I told her about school, about my friends,about the trouble I had been having coping with having Marie as a step mother. Everything was fine, she took notes which made me feel a little self conscious, but for the most part I felt really good after talking about things and I she didn't even prescribe me depression pills. Just like I thought, there's nothing wrong with me, I'm fine.