Self-preservation

The Pain We Receive

This man was a complete stranger to me. And somehow knew something I thought I had made sure no one else knew. Who was this guy? I looked out of my door to make sure no one else was around when I pulled him inside and closed the door.

"Who are you and how do you know who I am?"
"My name's Patton Connor, I'm Virgil's boyfriend"

I hadn't heard my sibling's name since I said goodbye to them 15 years ago up until now. I could tell 'Patton' wasn't lying but I didn't want to believe it either.

"Why are you here?"
"They're missing"
"So why not go to the police?"
"Virgil always told me that if anything happened to them, I should find you first"
"Why? I abandoned them and left them with our horrific excuse of a mother. It should've been in their best interest to forget me"

I think Patton already knew of mine and Virgil's past, I could tell because he didn't seem shocked. There was a silence and I tried to figure out what he was thinking. I saw his appearance in much more detail now, he was a bit taller then me with freckles and vibrant blue eyes. I don't think he'd been sleeping much either.

"I don't really know, in all honesty, I'm not your greatest fan. I think they once said it was to protect you or something, I don't remember"

Why would Virgil think I'd ever need protection? And from what? This night had brought up so many questions that Patton clearly wouldn't be able to answer. My best guess was that Virgil had tried to find me, for whatever reason, and they somehow found out what I did. But after what I did, looking out for me didn't make much sense.

"Janus, you've got to help me find them"

-15 Years Ago-

Virgil ran into my room in a panic. Mom had been drinking again and she was apparently much more angrier then normal. I looked at the fear in their face and I knew I was done with watching their torment from the sidelines. And in that moment I got an idea. I could hear mom trying her best at getting up the stairs.

"Virgil, give me your hoodie, get into my bed and pretend you're asleep"
"W-why?"
"If she's as drunk as she sounds she won't know the difference between you and I"

By the time mom had made it up the stairs, Virgil and I had swapped places. Mom always, without fail directed all her rage towards Virgil. This meant she wouldn't go into my room so I sat in Virgil's room waiting for her. And she came.

I realised why Virgil was so frightened this time. She backed me up into a corner, a small knife in her drunken hands. And in that moment my world turned to hell. Blood poured down from my face. Did it last for a few minutes or a few hours? I couldn't tell. However 'mom' left eventually, and she was no longer my mother anymore after that.

This was supposed to happen to Virgil. In protecting them, I'd suffered worse then they had ever before. They weren't even fully my sibling. I was going to leave and I was never coming back. I rushed back into my room, my entire head felt like it was on fire. I grabbed a bag and packed some clothes, my phone and a charger. There was no time to think. I was maybe a few steps down the street when I realised someone was shouting after me.

"J! You can't leave me!"

I realised it was Virgil but I was too angry to care. They continued to shout after me but I kept on walking. They then grabbed my arm in an attempt to stop me. They tried to talk but couldn't get the words out. And then I released all the rage that had been trying to escape the whole time.
"This was meant for you! And you have no idea what that felt like. I used to feel bad for you Virge, but now? Now, I think you were just an idiot for sticking around. What's happened to me is your fault, so leave me alone"

And I shrugged off their arm and left them standing there outside the house. And I made a decision.

I was never going to protect anyone but myself.

-The Present-

"Look, Janus. You've got to help me find them. Don't you think you owe it to them now? You have no idea what's happened to Virgil since you left" Patton said, as he almost began to cry. I wasn't going to be guilt tripped. But if Patton went to the police, it put me in jeopardy. Sure I could change my identity, but thanks to Amelia Drake, my face was a dead giveaway to whom I actually was. I'd just have to go to another state or something.

"I don't owe Virgil anything. They made another mistake by continuing to even associate with me and frankly I don't intend to suffer for their foolishness again"
"Wha-? You're their brother!"
"Half-brother, or did they fail to mention their last name to you?"

Patton almost looked disgusted. What was he expecting? That I was going to drop everything right then and there and help him, a complete stranger, to find a half-sibling that had ruined my life? And then I realised something. I sounded like my mother. I really despised how alike we were at times. Virgil hadn't ruined my life, Mom had. How did I ever lose sight of that fact? And me leaving them had potentially put them through more suffering then I did on that night.

I shouldn't have been considering it. I was thinking about putting myself in potential danger for them all over again. After that night, I'd lived by one principle but now I was going to disregard that for the same reason it began.

In all of my thoughts, I'd failed to see that Patton had left. My blood was pumping so fast I thought I'd throw up. It was that feeling again, like adrenaline but something much more powerful that had resurfaced within me. I rushed out the door and down the stairs in hoping I'd find Patton again. The rain continued to pour but luckily it didn't take long for me to spot his light blue polo.

"Patton, wait!" I called after him, he stopped and turned to face me. "I'll help"