A Court of Death || ACOTAR

1

Death prowled the halls of his palace.

For the first time in his lifeless existence, he felt restless. He felt lost.

He had found a way to spare Astryn from being sent here every time she slept, allowing her to get some genuine rest. He didn't regret it, and he would do the same thing over again if he had to re-experience it all. He would do it because he saw the way the exhaustion had begun to weigh on her. He was lonely now though.

He had grown used to her nightly visits, to the hours spent with a being who didn't fear him or hate him for what he was, who didn't balk from his world. She hadn't visited in months now, not since he taught her how to avoid coming here and instead just sleep.

He was lonely, unbearably lonely.

It seemed like such a silly thing to him. He was created at the creation of time itself. He and his twin were brought into existence—Life the Eternal and Death the Endless. His twin thrived, lived among the stars and saw life across realms bloom and grow into beautiful and terrible things. He and was here, in his realm forbidden to wander beyond it. He had always known he got the shit end of the deal, but he hadn't ever resented it. His role was necessary one, and he had spent eons bearing that burden with grace, without resentment.

But he was lonely now.

He had a Queen once, a Queen who sat on a throne that he had long since reduced to ash out of anger, but he hadn't felt loss when she left him. She hadn't ever really loved him, or cared about him at all. He had been angry when he first realized, then he felt nothing. He didn't miss her, and he realized he felt less alone without her than he did with her.

Astryn didn't love him, he wasn't foolish enough to delude himself into believing she could ever love anyone other than Azriel. Even when the life faded from her, she would still love Azriel and Azriel would love her. It was something neither Death nor his twin could touch, and Death wouldn't dare to try. He saw the love she had for Azriel, and he envied Azriel for it, but he could not resent him for it. A part of him was grateful for Azriel, because Death knew he could not give Astryn what she deserved. He could not give her experience and life. He could only give her himself, and that wouldn't ever be enough. Not for someone so full of life and goodness and purity.

It was so foolish of him to allow himself to want. It had begun so long ago, when he first glimpsed Astryn. He wanted her, when he saw her and the loveliness in her soul, he wanted her. He didn't dare to let himself think he would have a chance when he first saw her and felt want. But, overtime, he let himself want and hope and dream about her.

Those were the very first dreams he ever had. In all of his existence, the first time he dreamed it was dreams of being among the living with her. But she loved another. She always did, she always would. And despite his longing, despite his want, despite those desperate dreams only a fool would dare to have, he was happy for her. Happy for Azriel, even.

Death had so rarely wanted anything for himself. But, even with this one want he had, he was happy to give it up. For her, for the love she felt. He would give up the wants he felt because he could still catch glimpses of her life even as she left him behind. And he could cope with knowing he was nothing but a friend from her past, because he could glimpse her life and he could see her happiness and light and love.

As days and years went by, it was that that kept him going. It was her smile, her pretty voice telling someone who wasn't him the words no one had ever said to him in all of his endless existence. Even the female he had given his crown and kingdom to had never said those words to him. He said them to her plenty of times, and he had waited so patiently for her to be ready to say it back. He had thought that she felt it and just needed time to accept that she loved Death. But he knew now that she never loved him, that she played him.

So, he got by on listening to those words spoken with such deep meaning to another by someone he had once dared to hope would accept his heart.

He listened, a mix of heartache and joy as Astryn told Azriel that she loved him, and as he told her he loved her loved too.