Into The Reality (PUBLISHED UNDER LINES OF LOVE)

Chapter 5.3

"Alam mo..." he bit his lower lip. "Wala namang ni isang segundo, minuto, at araw na hindi naging ikaw. Ikaw naman palagi."

"I know what you're thinking, Alice." Natawa siya bigla, ako lang ata ang salubong ang kilay. I was obviously left in confusion! "I haven't forgotten, but I obviously moved on already. Hindi p'wedeng umagos ang buhay kung magpapa-iwan ka."

Natamaan ako sa sinabi niya. Napa-tingin na lang ako sa dagat na mahinahon ang pag-agos kaya ramdam lalo ang lamig, napa-yakap na lang ako sa sarili ko. Ako ang napag-iwanan... It's pathetic to say that I was the one who pushed people away and left, but I'm the one who hasn't moved on. It's pathetic that it's been years, but I was the only one who got stuck.

"Kaya pala napag-iwanan ako," pabiro kong sinabi kahit seryoso ako. "Nawala na lahat, 'di ko pa nakuha ang gusto kong kinabukasan."

"Hindi naman sa gano'n... hindi ka napag-iwanan. Baka sad'yang hindi mo pa oras," he tried to comfort me. "Did you know that it's important to mourn when someone you love passed away or left... because if not, all the grief will spread and grow in your body, and that grief will live in you. You'll just lose yourself to the point that you'll lose the hope to go on." He drank on his root beer can.

"You should've told me that before... when I was helpless. It's too late to say that now," I sarcastically said.

"How will I be able to tell you that if you pushed me away, Kat?" Bitterness in his voice was evident. "What has already happened, can never be changed. But I am glad to see you again to have that closure we needed."

Hindi ko alam kung nananadiya ang tadhana pero biglang may tumugtog sa music player ng sasakyan ni Martin.

Hindi ba't sabi natin sa isa't-isa, ako at ikaw, 'di ba?

Natatatakot ako, sa hinaharap, na baka wala ka, hindi ko kaya, nasanay na'ko na ika'y kasama.

Mahal, ako'y mahirap mahalin

Kwento natin kay bigat, at kay hirap nang dalhin

Pero huwag kang bibitaw, huwag ka aayaw

Hindi ba't sabi natin sa isa't-isa, ako at ikaw, 'di ba...

Closure lang? Bakit closure lang?

I wanted to ask that, but I don't want him to find out that I wanted more than closure with him. I'd look pathetic if I left him, then I'd say that I want to come back. Pero siguro dahil sa alcoholic drinks na nainom ko, hindi ko na napigilan pa ang sarili ko.

"I still love you, Martin." Napatingin siya sa'kin. Umiiyak na ako. I was regretting that I left him. But if I did not leave him, maybe he did not become the person he is today. If I did not leave him... I'd be stuck thinking that I didn't deserve him because I wasn't ready yet.

He was staring intently into my eyes. Lumapit siya sa'kin and after a few while, I felt his lips on mine.

I didn't know where to fallback to, I didn't have any back-up plan, but I will try... susubukan ko nang tumaya ngayon sa pagmamahal nang walang atrasan dahil sa hindi ako handa.

Ngayon, handa na ako. If my plans of coming back to Martin do not succeed, or if something unexpected happens, the only back-up plan I have is to continue choosing him... even if the feeling is no longer mutual.