Unexpected

Chapter X

'James, mummy won't be away for long. It's a quick trip and I'll come back to you in a heartbeat. OK, baby?' - I crouch down to James's height. It kills me to leave him behind but this is work and it wouldn't be beneficial to bring him with me. 'Auntie Aurore will look after you, OK honey?' - I kiss his messy hair and give him a hug. These are by far the best hugs in the world and I know I will miss him to bits but just like always it's a week and I'll be back by the end of the week.

Aurore gives me a hug and tells me 'Let's just hope he is nowhere to be seen in Monaco'

'Hope heavens hear you. Besides, I think he may be abroad for a race, now that he went back to driving F1'

'If he is in Monaco, at least you can finally talk.'

'Well, he hasn't shown any intentions to talk, so I don't think it will change anything if I'm there'

'We will see' - She winks at me and we both smile.

'Ciao bello. Be good to auntie Aurore and Louis. I love you to the moon and back, mon petit chou chou'

'Ti amo a Monza and back, mummy' - I can't help but smile at him. He has started being interested in F1 this past year and surprise, surprise, Monza is what he memorized. He doesn't know the drivers' names which is a relief.

'Keep him away from the house on Sundays. No F1 races.' - I beg Aurore.

I get in the car and drive away waving them both goodbye. I get to the airport, park the car, go through security, get on the plane and fall asleep. He comes to me in my dreams. It's been years since I dreamed about him but here he is, seating at the bar where we met looking at me with those piercing hazel eyes of his. He has gotten wiser with age, he has gotten even more irresistible, which is maddening. He is wearing the three piece suit he styled for Armani years ago. We both agreed at some point in between our talks that in terms of sexiness that was his high point. So there he is waiting for me and I am pulled towards him. 

The plane goes through some turbulence and I wake up. I fail to fall asleep again and like that, he is out of my mind.

The plane lands around 5pm and I take a taxi to the hotel. Tonight, I'll be staying at the hotel I am auditing and will move to Le Meridien tomorrow.

∞

'You must come out with us. It's not everyday we win an award amongst all the other hotels on the chain. Come on. Just a quick drink. We haven't seen you in ages and by now you're as much part of the team as anyone else.' - Marc, the General Manager, tells me as I start grabbing my stuff to leave for the day. The hotel has just won the most prestigious award of the hotel chain we work for, for being voted the chain's flagship. The hotel has been open for a few years but getting the award now just shows how good they are at all the aspects that run a hotel. It is a great achievement and although I'm tired, I really want to celebrate with them. 'Fine, but just a quick drink. You guys deserve this.' - I tell Marc.

We grab some taxis to the Twiga and shots are served for everyone. We have a great time. The team celebrates, I pay them a round and get involved in the dancing. I am having an amazing time, to be honest. Since James was born I haven't really spent a night out, apart from work and although a night out wasn't my kind of thing even before James, it felt good to be here with these wonderful people enjoying their success.

I excuse myself and go to the bathroom. I give my mobile a glimpse for texts or calls from Aurore but nothing. I'm not looking straight and I bump into someone also on their phone.

I apologize without looking at the person I just bumped into but when I do, his eyes are on me and my heart skips and beat. I am lost for words. I have hoped and dreaded this moment for so long in equal measures.

'Charles?'

'Hi. Sorry, do we know each other?'

My dumbfound face falls to the floor.

'Hmmm. Kind of. We met years ago. You don't remember me?'

'I don't know if you know about the crash I had a year or so ago. My memory got all fuzzy to be honest. I can recall some things but others are just not there. Sorry, I can't place your face anywhere but I recognize it, somehow.'

How did I not know about this? Did I miss something online about his memory? I remember checking regularly if he was OK once I learned about the accident and there was nothing about his memory. Did they keep it under wraps? I recall texting him when he had the accident but he never answered and I slowly stopped tracking his condition. I did see he had returned to F1 but I kept my worries at a bay. 'Right. Your memory.' - I breath out. 'We actually met seven years ago here in Monaco.'

'Oh. That's great. Do you work in Formula 1 too?'

'No, I don't. We met randomly at a bar.' - I said lowering my head. I couldn't face him. Him, the bane of my existence for so long, he can't remember me. Can't remember what we had. Can't recall the wonderful moments we had together. 'Right, I have to go. It was nice seeing you, Charles.' I start moving towards the ladies room and I hear him say:

'Bye. Hope we meet again' - I speed up down the corridor to the ladies and I get myself inside a cubicle as tears start forming in my eyes. I t's hard to keep them inside but I manage. 

I've been dreading this moment for so long, I've played it out in my head endless times, I've practiced what to tell him, how to tell him about James, how to explain why I didn't just tell him that he had a son, how to be in front of him once again. Nothing prepared me for this. He doesn't remember me. How am I expected to tell him about a child he doesn't even know he has? I can't. I just can't.

Once I calm down I go back to the team and excuse myself. Marc asks if everything is OK and I tell him yes and that I will see them all tomorrow. He waive goodbye and I go back to my hotel. In the taxi I can't hold by tears back and I let them flow. I look a mess but I don't care. Not tonight. Tonight I will be crying my heart out, because I fear I will never be able to tell James who his dad is, even if it was a remote possibility, I always dreamed of the day I could tell him Charles Leclerc was his father.

I fall asleep on top of my bed, crying at this whole situation.