Three Words: I Love You (Putin x Angela Merkel)

Chapter 5 - Putin's POV

I used to get a thrill from dancing along hotel corridors, but not this time. I was saddy Vladdy. 

I decided I had enough of my performance and I went back into my room. A steamy shower was what I needed to help my big Russian muscles relax. I went into the bathroom, with sweat dripping down my toned, sculpted body. I was giving Greek god. Actually Russian God. But what I was unhappy to discover was that the bathroom was NOT god-worthy. And as you all know, I AM a god. In fact, I am God. 

I felt completely and utterly violated. I felt scammed. I was so shocked I almost choked. I almost  had a heart attack, but I don't even have a heart. 

Can you believe what I found out? 

When I turned my shower on (with my sexc Russian-ness), instead of lovely vodka pouring out from the shower head, WATER came out. WATER. As in H2O - just add water (my favorite show.) I slammed the tap, breaking it in half. (Not to brag or anything, but I AM strong.) How DARE they do this to me!? 

I wrapped myself up in my sexc Russian towel and stampeded downstairs to the reception. Time to be a Karen. This behaviour was unacceptable and I was going to speak to the manager.

I am very skilled in the Art of Karens. My mum was a mega Karen. The Supreme Karen, actually. Everything I know, I owe to her. She was truly such an inspirational and talented Karen. The only thing is that I am not a woman. (Thank god.) Otherwise I would've been a great Karen. Like this, I'm President. 

"WHY IS THERE WATER COMING OUT MY TAP?!?!?!?!?!?" I bellowed at the lady at the reception. 

I snarled at her, baring my teeth. Or should I say bearing. I truly felt like a bear. 

The woman blinked at me in confusion. 

This infuriated me. How dare she be so dumb?! How DARE she? (Oh god I'm beginning to sound like Greta Thunberg. Yet another woman.)

I inflated my lungs with more air so I could scream at her better. However the German-ness in the air corrupted my airways and I started to cough violently. 

The woman got up, but before she could do anything I coughed in her face. If we go down, we go down together. However she didn't start coughing like me. I bet she's used to this musty German air. 

"May I get you some Wasser?" she asked. 

What a terrible thing to ask. WATER is the reason I'm here, WOMAN!

I decided I was done being violated by women and it was time to get my masculinity back. I turned around, still wearing my sexc Russian towel cape, and stormed out of the hotel. I was going to go to a pub. And I was going to exert my male dominance by drinking the entire vodka collection. 

What a good thing it was that there was a pub for elitists like me right next to Hilton. I didn't even have to walk far in these musty German streets. As I walked over to the pub, I couldn't help thinking that nothing compares to my propaganda-infiltrated home country. I seriously couldn't wait to get back to the greatest country: MY country. 

What I didn't know, however, that this German pub would change the ever-playing track in my head from: "I love Russia" to "I love Russia and I also love her."