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B R Y S O N
"Lord now that funeral was so beautiful" Aaliyah said sniffing
"They dressed her so well and that makeup made her look so good and young again" Keisha said sighing
"I miss grandma" August said crying
Aaliyah walked over to August to grab him into a tight hug as he broke down into tears while I walked into the house to head upstairs towards the bedroom and slammed the door behind me.
I took off of my suit jacket which I threw it on the chair that was in the corner of the room along with my shoes and sat down on the bed with my face in my hands.
"'Cause ever since the day you left"
"I don't know what to do with myself"
"Oh I wish for your return"
I reached into my nightstand to grab a halfway empty bottle of patron that I been drinking on since I got the news about my mom at the hospital. I used to have a really bad drinking problem but ever since the kids were born than I stopped drinking as much but sadly them old ways are back now.
"You been away from so long"
"And I just don't think I can carry on so I start"
"Drinking, drinking, Drinking, drinking"
"Each and every night"
My mom has been my backbone, my heart and my world like I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. That woman was strong as hell like she never let nobody or nothing run what she had. My mom did everything for us like she would break her back for us and she was playing the mother role along with the father role since our dad left us for another family. The world that we took on was constantly changing and frankly but it was never easy for us.
My mind wants to reject all of this right now but sadly reality is showing me that my mom is no longer with us in this world.
This is a very emotional and challenging time for me right now like I am over here struggling to understand and accept that my mom is gone forever. Losing a mom is a deeply painful experience that no one should ever have to go through, to be honest. This has awakened a hurricane of emotions, processing and reflection.
We have had so many challenges together but for some reason, it all worked out for all of us if I am being honest. It worked out because we weren't alone because we had each other by our side.
In our time together, my mom has taught my brother and I some of life most important lessons and that woman did it in a unique but powerful way.
My mom always inspired and influenced us through her actions and that's one of the reasons on who I am today. While with her words, she was so humble and caring but the actions were so bold and powerful, to be honest.
"Don't do me like this"
"Miss you, Miss you"
"Yeah, I'm on my knees, I'm begging you please"
As I was growing up like I always had my mom support on becoming who I thought I wanted to be. Every morning before school, she always held my brother and I hand to pray over us two because who knows what could have happened to us in a heartless street that never loved you back at all.
Out of us three in the family, my mom was the most thoughtful and kind soul that you probably would have met in your whole life.
I am truly thankful for that woman everyday for pushing me because I wouldn't have married or met that lovely woman downstairs with my beautiful kids and family.
As we grew up like we never had much money but that lady never complained about that shit because she always made a way for her two sons. Mom would give us the clothes of her back to keep us warm and the floor on her plate to make sure we were good at the end of the day. That woman sacrifices everything to make sure that we had what we needed growing up.
She had a deep faith in God like everytime that she would attend church which she enjoyed it alot and once she would return home with a brighter spirit of joy. She has taught us to always trust god because without him than you wouldn't be where you are now in life. Sometimes you may question him on alot of things but trust him even if you feel like he is against you now he did it for a reason.
While she was alive like she has taught us how to live authentically and be comfortable with that even if she wasn't comfortable with us being in the streets and shit but everyday she would pray that we would make it back home to her. Mom didn't live by people codes or rules but she lived by her own code because of her now I live by my own rules without a care in the world.
These last weeks and half without her has shown me that life still goes on and that's something that I need to understand and process sadly.
When I first wake up like her passing away is the first thing that is on my mind and when I go to sleep then that is the last thing that I think about. I can't call her anymore to hear her sweet calming voice and to knock some common sense into her stubborn son head right now.
Of course, I am going to miss her everyday and every night because that was my heart. Even though, I know she is no longer her anymore but she will always be with me... spiritually.
Just like that, I am truly and deeply grateful for you, mom.
I remember the last thing that she told me was before she passed away.
"Bryson you better behave now I love you forever"
I love you more than ever mom and what I do now is all for you, love and light.
