ephemeral

the crash

Pansy had been crying. Aster could tell as she watched the dark-haired girl approach the park bench. Her eyes were red and glistening against the almost-full moon. Her cheeks were still wet. She kept pulling her bottom lip into her mouth anxiously.

"What's wrong?" Aster asked immediately as Pansy approached the bench and didn't sit.

Pansy pulled up the sleeve of her shirt to reveal dark ink on her forearm. At first, Aster was confused. It was a cool tattoo, why would it have made Pansy so upset? But the longer Aster stared at it, the larger the unsettled feeling in her stomach grew. There was something seriously wrong and this tattoo had something to do with it. 

"They made me," Pansy whispered, as if those three words explained everything to Aster. She felt stupid and confused but didn't want to push Pansy to give answers she wasn't ready for yet. "Remember how I told you about the people who don't like muggles?"

Aster nodded, remembering Pansy's long-winded explanation from a few days prior. Once she heard that, it didn't take much to connect the dots.

"I'm sorry, Aster. If I had a choice, I wouldn't have..." Pansy said, her voice breaking. Suddenly, tears streamed out of her eyes and dripped down her nose onto her chin, and thin lines of shiny moisture traced out onto her face. "I wouldn't have done it."

Aster pulled her into a hug, letting Pansy cry on her shoulder. "Don't you dare apologize to me, Pansy," Aster said, her voice soft and gentle. 

"But—"

"Shhh," Aster said, hushing Pansy gently. "It's not your fault. You don't have to explain anything to me, love."

The word made butterflies swim in Aster's throat as it slipped out, not meaning to call Pansy that but not regretting it. Pansy's shoulders stopped shaking gradually and when her eyes reappeared through a dark curtain of hair, they were freshly red and puffy again. 

Aster pulled Pansy close, wrapping her arms around the witch like she never wanted to let go. "I'm here," Aster whispered. 

"I know." Pansy rested her head in the crook of Aster's neck, eyes focused far away on the stars in the galaxy far away. "The stars look dull tonight."

Aster's gaze turned away from the girl in her arms up to the stars. She supposed they did look duller than normal, though perhaps that was because the light of the almost-full moon overpowered them. "Perhaps they just look dull in your light," Aster whispered, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Pansy's forehead. 

Pansy let out a watery chuckle. "You always were such a flirt, weren't you?"

Aster hummed. "I believe it's you who kissed me first though."

Together, they sat beneath the dull stars and the moon, neither of them wanting to point out the obvious that was hovering over both of them like some dark shadow. They knew the night would have to come to an end eventually, and that their lives would be torn apart once again. But for an hour or so, they just sat in each other's arms, whispering sweet nothings and giving each other butterfly kisses whenever the other would look up and remember what fate awaited them.

"I would have liked to fall in love with you," Pansy said when the moon was high in the sky and the world around them had grown silent with the sleep of early morning. 

"I would have liked that too," Aster whispered. "I'd like to imagine a version of us who's run off to Paris and is looking out over the city from the top of the Eiffel tower." 

Pansy let out a humorless chuckle. "I'm sorry I couldn't give that life to you, Aster. You deserve so much better than what I can give you."

"Maybe," Aster said, eyes trained on the moon. "But I'd rather the ephemeral bliss than a monotonous forever."

"Do me one favor," Pansy said, and tears swam in her eyes as the end of their time together grew closer and closer. "Be happy for me."

"Okay," Aster said, her voice breaking. She had no idea what Pansy was preparing herself for. They each sat in their own heartbreak, battling their own demons. 

"Close your eyes for me," Pansy asked. 

Aster closed her eyes, the darkness behind her eyelids comfortingly familiar. 

Pansy bent down and pressed a kiss on Aster's forehead. "I'm sorry," Pansy whimpered. "Obliviate."

When Aster opened her eyes again, she was alone at the park, tears in her eyes and a deep wound in her heart that she had no explanation for.

———————

Pansy Parkinson had been different all school year. Even the people who hardly knew her could tell something had happened. But no one ever asked questions—no one ever did. Her friends knew of the mark and assumed she was just succumbing to the pressures of the Dark Lord the same as Draco was. And she had spent her whole life putting up impenetrable walls that no one dared ask her how she was, or what was wrong. 

But something was different that day. Everyone saw how Pansy's face paled when she read the Daily Prophet. And as was the way of Hogwarts, everyone suddenly wanted to know why the stone-hearted Slytherin looked so completely heartbroken.

There was nothing in the paper but the names of yet another muggle family that had been killed. Another four nobodies, another four casualties of a war they didn't know they were involved in. And Pansy Parkinson had never cared about anyone other than herself before, why would she be so invested in the lives of the very people she was helping to destroy?

And so Pansy swallowed her sorrow, her grief, the sudden realization that she would never be able to visit the bookstore Aster worked in again just to watch the girl smile and laugh. Because even in the brief time that Pansy had known Aster, she had brought the witch more happiness than she had ever felt before.

Pansy decided that the fleeting love was worth the endless sorrow. Just as Aster had said, the ephemeral bliss was better than the monotonous forever. And Merlin had everything Pansy had done with Aster been so, so worth it.

THE END