A Dogs Love

Lying In Therapy

Every ending has a new beginning.

"I've been noting everything we talk about during our sessions, and I've come to the conclusion that some company, could be the solution to some of your problems, do you know anyone at all, here? You could also just get a new dog."

Christ, she annoys me with the way she smiles when she talks like she knows everything about me, she doesn't, everything that comes out of her mouth is complete nonsense.

I'm paying her to listen to me, I should get paid for having to be in her presence, the way her jaw cracks every time she opens and closes her mouth, the way her eyes blink like her life depends on it. And the mole on her upper lip that moves on beat with her words. I don't want company and she knows it. I told her exactly that like two sessions ago. Is this what I'm paying for? I must've rolled my eyes by accident because she continued debating her conclusion.

"Look, she died three hundred and one day ago, nothing you do or say now can change that. But you can still change the way you feel and see things. It's time to move on, it doesn't have to happen right now, it has to happen with time.  Every ending has a new beginning. And maybe Bella's ending is a beginning for something else." I knew deep down that Mary, or whatever her name is, was in one way or another somewhat right, but I wasn't gonna admit it. And just like that, our session was over.

To be honest, I don't get how a licensed therapist can be that dumb, she still believes I had a dog. Bella wasn't a dog, Bella was my sister. I told all of my therapists including my current one that Bella was a dog because I didn't want the sympathy. I didn't want to be treated differently because my sister happened to die. So Bella's death is better off as dogs.

As I paid for our session Mary told me to think about getting a dog, I just nodded, I wasn't gonna do it but if the idea of me thinking about it made her happy so why not lie anyway?

As I walked out of that session I was craving coffee, which was weird because I rarely drank it. I knew if I wouldn't get coffee I'd think about it for the next few days, and the days after that until I finally gave in and ordered five drinks that I never tasted before just to get the satisfaction of trying them and then pouring them all in the sink because they taste weird. What a waste of money.

So I ended up walking right into the Starbucks across the street. Well, I tried, when I tried to walk inside some rich-looking dude in a suit stepped on his shoelace and took a dramatic fall as he spilled all his coffee over me. Like my day wasn't bad enough. Of course, I had to curse him out. I have been trying to afford my clothes for weeks and rich people think they have the right to trip on their freshly hand-scrubbed shoes and spill their salted caramel cream cold brew over people who can barely afford their apartment.

"What the fuck you doing man"? I was furious, who just doesn't tie their shoelaces?
    "I am so so sorry, I'll help you with your shirt, maybe I can buy you a coffee?" Before I could hear anything else come out of that daddy's money mouth of his I just walked out of there, I guess this day couldn't get any worse from now on.

Look, I know I was maybe overreacting but this shirt costs me a whole shift at the bakery, and when I say bakery I mean the bakery that old people only go to so they can complain about the bread they buy themselves. And not to mention the teenagers I have as co-workers who sit and talk to their best friends on the phone about whatever clothing brand the people they hate were wearing at school like three months ago the entire time while chewing gum in my ears. But I can't complain because I was like that once, sometimes I wish I could go back.

But the thing I want the most right now is to be in my hometown, I'd go visit Bella's grave, but I couldn't, I was stuck in this big city where there are either people who came here for a job or looking for their sweet young adult years, spoiler alert, they won't get it here.

While I was thinking this I didn't realize I had walked past the street that led to my apartment when I turned around I realized the guy back from the coffee shop was behind me, talking on the phone, I only heard a bit of his conversation, something about a meeting, and "some girl" had stormed into him and he got coffee on his suit. Which wasn't true. He tripped. But I couldn't care less, I quickly turned back around hoping he didn't see me, and because I couldn't stand his hilariously fancy suit one second longer, but when I was about to turn back around he looked up and saw me, covered in coffee. By the look on his face, he recognized me.
    "And we meet again."

The sound of his voice gave away that he was pretty annoyed. I opened my mouth to say something but he kept talking.
    "When you walked into me I spilled coffee on my suit, I apologized to you, shouldn't you apologize to me?" He did not just say that. How old even is he, five?
    "You tripped dude?" God, I can't stand people like him, he was the one that crashed into me. Instead of saying anything else I just turned around the corner, he said something but I didn't hear it, well I chose not to.

I took a shortcut through the park to get to my apartment, what an asshole. As I walked up the damaged yellow stairs that led up to my apartment I found myself thinking about the suit that belonged to the coffee-spilling asshole, I saw a sticker on it, I thought nothing of it at the time but the sticker looked oddly familiar.

When I finally made it up the stairs I had forgotten what I was even thinking about, that's what thoughts do I guess, they come and go. That's what I hate most about them.

I sat down on my bed with my feet crossed as I opened Bella's old computer. I was planning to stalk some Facebook accounts, maybe my old teachers, or even my mom's. As I scrolled a post about a puppy in need of a home caught my eye, not because I wanted a dog, but because the name of the dog unlocked a memory. Bells, that's what I nicknamed Bella in the hospital.

"We suggest you say goodbye now, she won't survive given the circumstances. "
I can't quite explain the things I was feeling at that moment, my best attempt at explanation is that it felt like a big grey ocean covering all of my body, proceeding to pull me slowly away, to somewhere the sunlight didn't reach. But that's not the only thing I was feeling, I felt rage.

Bella's face looked so dull, I sat down next to her plain hospital bed. The longer I stared at her the more I saw the life in her fading, her beautiful bright hair was the only thing about her that reminded me of a beating heart, her beating heart. "Wait for me Bells, once you get there, wait for me." I felt the warm tears rushing down my cheeks as I finished my sentence. I started hugging her tightly, she couldn't hear me, but I didn't care. "Be gentle." the doctor said.

As I let go of her for the last time I looked at my mother, our mother. She didn't say one word, her facial expression gave nothing away. I hated her. That was her child, even if she didn't want it to be. She couldn't push out a single goodbye. My mother's love for other people was poisonous.

And just like that, Bella was gone.

As soon as my brain wandered back to the current, I knew I needed that fucking dog.

I got myself a sheet of paper and wrote the address of the ad down. If anyone was gonna get that dog it was gonna be me.