Through the eyes of you - a Heartstopper fanfic

The letter

A few weeks later: Charlie decided to deal with the letter later. At the end of the night Charlie told Nick about the letter. Nick being supportive told him it's up to him what he wants to do with it. Ben has moved out and is now living on base leaving Charlie with the house.

Charlie's Pov:

I turn Ben's letter over in my hands. It's been almost 4 weeks and I still haven't gotten the nerve to open it. I look around what used to be our room and a wave of sorrow hits me. I've been okay for the most part. Ben moved onto his base and left me with the house, he thought it was easier that way. Being with Nick has been amazing, but I can't help missing Ben sometimes. He was my world for two years. Being in this house constantly surrounded by memories doesn't help. I sit up on the bed ripping the envelope open. It's a few pages long. I put the letter down hunching over. I feel like I'm going to throw up. The anxiety of what he said penetrating every inch of my body. I want to throw the letter away but the regret I would feel would eat me alive. I steady my breathing picking the letter back up.

"To Charlie, my first love," tears fill my eyes but I wipe them away forcing myself to continue.
"When started dating when I was 17. I told you I had a crush on you for a while, but I never told you when it started. We were 14 and had just started high school. On the first day of school I was sitting alone with headphones in. I had just moved here and had no friends. You came up and sat at the table not even asking permission. I told you I wanted to be alone and you responded saying 'everyone deserves a friend'. I brushed you off thinking nothing of it. For the next 3 years I watched you. You came back sophomore year, your hair gown out and you were the one sitting alone this time. I know you had been outed and I was scared to be seen with you. I've always been made fun of for looking or sounding gay. The only thing is I am. I am gay, Charlie and you helped me realize that. I have loved you since we were 14. Here at 19 years old, I see now I was young and naive. Not because I loved you, but because I thought loving you would be enough. I didn't think it would matter if I showed you off or took you out of dates. I thought loving you in private was enough. I see now that it wasn't. You needed more from me and I couldn't give it to you. I wanted to give you the world Charlie, but I could only offer you my heart. I should have stood up to my dad that day when he walked in on us in bed. We had just said I love you for the first time. I don't know if you know but that day was my first time too. I was so scared and ashamed of my dad that I agreed to join the military to just make him go away. I thought I could protect you if I went away. I know now I should have fought for you, for us. Nothing was the same after that day. When we moved in together I thought being in one house would fix it. I thought if I got away from my dad that I could come out, but I was wrong. Did you know that they didn't even let you be gay in the military until a few years ago? I wanted to come out Charlie I did, but I couldn't risk losing everything. Now I've lost you, my everything. I don't even know if your reading this letter. Knowing you it's probably been eating at you for weeks now and you finally caved and are reading it. I hope you are. I will always know you Charlie, even when I didn't show that I did. When I couldn't give you what you needed and I seen it hurt you, I stopped trying. I thought if I didn't show I cared it wouldn't hurt as much. I admit, I was pushing you away. Not because I didn't love you, but because it hurt to love you. It hurt every day to love you but hate myself. I understand why you picked Nick. As much as I regret losing you, Nick will be better for you right now. Nick may not be out now but he will come out for you. Something I don't know if I can ever do. You won't have to hide for him, you can go on dates, you can meet the family. You can have the love you deserve. I've rambled a lot and I don't even know what I'm trying to say so I'll end it this way. Charlie Spring, you were my first love and I will always love you. I hope one day I'll come out, and when I do it will be for you. I'll wait for you Charlie. I'll wait for the day I'm ready for you. Please Charlie, let me be selfish and ask you to wait for me too."

I curl into a ball, tears are running down my face. I pull my pillow over my face and just scream and scream. Breaking up with someone is hard, loving someone who is no longer good for you is hard. I know I made the right decision choosing Nick so why does it hurt so much. I force myself to sit up folding the letter and put it back in the envelope. I get out my phone and draft a text to Ben.
C: I won't wait for you, but you'll always be my first love.
My thumb dances over the send icon. After a few moments pass I hit send. Almost immediately my phone digs. I pick it up slowly reading his text.
B: I'll show you I can change. Nick stole you from me. Maybe I can steel you back.
I Chuck my phone across the room just as Nick walks in the door. I forgot I gave him a key. He rushes over pulling me into a hug. "Char, what happened?"