Lay Me Down

Fear

Phil spent more time with PJ and his friends, still visiting the hospital but spending less time there,
leaving earlier or arriving later. He found himself able to talk to Dan more easily, again, though. PJ had Phil play some odd goblin character in his short film and Phil realized how much he honestly
enjoyed making videos, something that had sparked with the videos he had recorded for Dan, but he figured out how much he liked the creative type of videos PJ made as well. "Phil, you know, you spend every minute you're not hanging out with us or at the hospital on your laptop watching YouTube, why don't you just make your own account and start uploading? You're a funny, creative guy." PJ said, one day, sitting outside Phil's house. They were on there own for once.

"Why don't you?" he shrugged in reply, looking at PJ pointedly.

"Fine point. Maybe I will."Eventually."

"Maybe I will too. Eventually." Phil said and shrugged again. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he plucked it out, answering without looking at the screen. Phil was still barley through his hello when
a pager in PJ's pocket went off silently against his thigh. He'd only gotten it for one reason and his mouth feel open without words when he realized what it meant. Phil jumped to his feet and PJ followed suit, not speaking to each other as they ran off to PJ's car.

"Did they say if he was okay?" PJ asked, shaking as he drove. Phil kept his phone clutched in his hand and shook his head, unable to speak. When they pulled up to the hospital they rushed out of the car and Phil felt as if he were outside of his body, numb. 

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"Phil!" Dan's mother greeted, rushing forward to meet him when he came onto the floor. He nodded in greeting but his throat had a lump in it that he couldn't manage words around. "He's okay. He's alright. He has an infection, they didn't find it until they noticed how high of a fever he had when they went to turn him. He's going to be okay." She assured, realizing how afraid he looked, and pulled him into a hug.

"I thought he might've- " Phil began and cut himself off, shaking his head. He was shaking.
"They wouldn't tell me over the phone what was going on, just that you requested I come. PJ- uh, my friend who's an aid here, he has a pager his friend pages him on if anything happens with Dan."
Phil managed, just barely, before finally letting himself cry and he felt so guilty for it. Dan's mum shouldn't be comforting him, it should be the other way around, but he couldn't help it.

Phil sat in Dan's room with him, visiting hours ending but him refusing to leave. Dan's mum and PJ
stayed with them. Phil finally told Dan a story he'd been putting off.

"When I was younger, a friend of mine, a close good friend of mine, passed away." He began, and he
explained for a long time more than he meant to. He didn't want to talk about death to Dan, but right then he couldn't stop. He reached out and took Dan's hand when he was done with the story and they all sat in silence a long time. "They're treating the infection but if it gets worse or spreads it could kill you right now, so please do me a favor? Stay? Please stay."

Phil fell asleep besides Dan's bed, leaning on it. PJ woke him in the morning with a coffee in hand.
Dan's mum had gone home. Phil didn't leave early that day. When his parents arrived to take him
home he was reluctant to go.

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It was months before Dan had another complication. Phil spent most of the rest of his summer going between spending days on end in Dan's room and taking breaks to spend time with his friends. He'd decided at a point he didn't know that PJ's friends were his friends too and it was a good feeling. Phil still spent every day terrified of Dan getting another infection they'd catch too late. Dan's family didn't visit often, but they started to a little bit again, no more than they could handle, and Phil was |thankful for it. Phil started university as Fall weather began and was still adjusting to his dorm and lack of daily Dan visits when he got the call, but this time they'd been sure to explain the situation more fully and he was less panicked.

_______________________________________
Mr. Howell greeted him this time. He was more quiet than Dan's mum, more awkward, and Phil didn't know how to take him for sure.

"Phil. Hi. He's okay. Just trouble with the feeding tube. They'll fix it. Might have caused another
infection but they don't know yet." Dan's dad said, pacing uneasily.

"I'm glad it's nothing too serious." Phil said, feeling awkward.

"How awful of a dad am I, Phil? Sometimes I come here and I look at that boy and I just-" Mr. Howell spoke suddenly, softly, and with a waver in his voice. "I don't see Dan. He might have
been a lazy kid but he was always so excitable and witty and I just can't think of him as that kid in
there. I miss him like he's dead and sometimes I wish we'd just let him go because this doesn't seem
like a life. It feels like he'll never wake up, like we're just waiting around for him to-"

"You're not an awful dad. You're just a person that's hurting and going through a loss that's not even properly a loss and it's confusing. Just don't give up on him. He's so strong and he'll wake up, just
don't give up on him, okay?"

Dan's dad stared at him a long time, seeming to be looking past him more than at him before
nodding.

"You remind me of him so much. He must adore you."

When Phil left that day he carried a fear he never had before after meeting the Howell; that they might mistake letting Dan die as a kindness.

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PJ, everyday Phil couldn't be there during his classes, would play the videos Phil had recorded for Dan so he'd have company. Three weeks into classes the videos ran out so he'd record new ones. It
was a weird stress, not being able to visit Dan, but he was enjoying his classes and had new things to
tell Dan because of them. The hospital was still treating an infection they'd caught early after the
feeding tube incident and Phil ignored how scared he was for that. Every phone call made Phil's heart speed. He almost fainted when he had listened to a voice mail message to hear PJ's voice in between classes one morning.

"Phil!? I'm not supposed to be calling you, but are you in class? Get to the hospital as soon as you can, it's important."

_________________________________________
Nobody waited in the hall for Phil when he arrived this time, nobody stood in Dan's doorway. When
Phil entered the room, the bed was empty. He heard PJ's voice coming from the elevator, but he
didn't listen, his heart speeding and jumping in his chest. It had been a three hour class, how long ago
had he missed the call? He couldn't remember. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. He ran
outside.