Lay Me Down

Growing Up

      It was a month after the idea had occurred to Phil that he's finally had the confidence to record the first video. For the next few weeks everyday after coming home from the hospital he'd sit on his floor with a camera he'd gotten from a ticket in a cereal box and just talk. He edited them very little in Windows Movie Maker and once he had enough for about three weeks he set them aside. Once school started it would be relieving to know he'd still be able to keep Dan company even when he wasn't there himself. Until Summer was out, though, Phil visited daily still.

"Phil?" PJ called him out of the room one day. 

"Hey. My shifts about over. Would you like to go with me and a few of my mates swimming? We figured it's such a hot day we'd make some fun out of it before it starts raining again, you know?" Phil smiled, rubbing his neck nervously. 

"That's alright, thanks but I just-" he shrugged. motioning back to the room. PJ frowned.

"Phil, come on, you can't spend every day here. It's not healthy. Dan's not the only one who needs company and I'm sure he won't be upset if you called it a day a little early here for once." After staring at him a long moment Phil realized PJ wouldn't relent until Phil agreed. Finally, he sighed, nodding. He went back into the room to gather his things and went to Dan's side. 

 "Hey. PJ is out in the hall. He's insisting I go out with him and his friends awhile. I guess I should, but I'm sorry to leave you early. I'll be here tomorrow, all right? Goodnight, Dan." He said, frowning and shuffling uncomfortably. He always felt weird leaving it at that. Just a simple goodbye and goodnight didn't seem like enough. He reached forward and brushed Dan's hair aside. He'd talked to Dan's doctor and texted Dan's parents about having Dan's hair cut at some point but Phil had decided it would be too weird to do without asking Dan. Finally, Phil felt as if he stayed longer PJ would question him, so he took a breathe and willed himself out of the room.

Phil had to admit, it was a beautiful day. Getting some sun and swimming a bit was nice. PJ and his friends made Phil feel more comfortable than he'd expected to with a group of strangers. There was only one moment of uneasiness. 

 "Phil, can I ask you something?" PJ asked, talking a moment out of the water to get a drink while Phil reapplied sun block. He nodded cautiously. PJ took a deep breath and looked Phil over in a way that made Phil feel like he could see right through him. 

"Are you gay?" Phil stepped back in surprise, the question making him stumble as if he'd been knocked in the chest. 

"I- what?"

 "You don't have to say either way, it's just- I had to ask." PJ shrugged. Phil took a long moment to think, then. Finally he met PJ's eyes and saw a sincerity that comforted him just enough to open his mouth again. 

 "Oh. I- I don't know. I don't think gay is the right word. I um, I guess I might be- uh- I think I'm bisexual." Phil answered, uneasy and crossing his arms around himself. 

 "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you that like this. It's just-" PJ said, biting his lip, and then he smiled and shook his head. "You know, never mind. Thank you for trusting me with that. I'm sorry I sprung that question on you so suddenly." 

 "It's alright. It- uh- it felt kind of nice to finally say that out loud, I guess. Like, I have been thinking about it forever but I just never had the opportunity to talk about it, so um, thanks for being cool about it." Phil admitted slowly, lowering his arms slowly and PJ smiled wider. 

 "Of course, Phil. Come on, hurry up so you don't get burnt. You know that boy Chris I introduced you to? Well he and I were talking yesterday about this idea for this short film I've been wanting to work on. You would be great for one of the characters in it, if you'd want. We'll talk about it later."

 With that PJ was off in the water again and Phil was left standing near a lawn chair. He looked up toward the sun and smiled a bit, bitter-sweetly. It was nice to be out, but he felt a weird guilt squirming in his stomach, the more things he did and advanced in. He imagined Dan would like to be in a friends film, would like to be out getting a tan Phil's never seen him with outside of photographs, would like to be out swimming, would like to be starting his summer, would like to be awake. Phil's heart ached in a way that made him need to sit down. Eventually, though, Chris was sent to drag him into the pool and as he fell in, laughing, he realized Dan would want him to be awake too.

 Phil went to Dan's room as regularly as ever, but he found himself spending less time talking. He didn't mind spending time with Dan, ever, but he was running out of things to talk about. He spent one afternoon just holding Dan's hand and watching TV, unsure what to say. 

 "Dan, can I tell you a secret? I told PJ the other day and it was so scary but somehow I'm even more afraid to tell you. You can't even react and I'm scared to tell you. I don't know what it is, I guess, I dunno. I know PJ likes me enough to hang out with me, but I feel like you are just stuck with me and your opinion means a lot I guess? I don't even know if you can hear me but if you can I just don't want you to hate me and me not know until you wake up and tell me off for not leaving you alone." Phil laughed a bit at himself and fidgeted nervously. 

"I um, I'm bisexual. I didn't really even realize that's what it was until PJ asked about my sexuality and I realized how hard it was to tell him? I always sorta knew, like, it's no sudden thing, it was just not something I'd ever put a label on before now. I don't know how to explain. I just needed to say, you know? I don't want to keep things from you. I just- I think I'm going to tell my parents tonight and I don't know how to." 

 Phil felt heavy in his seat, so he stood and paced instead. He talked to Dan a little bit longer before finally leaving a bit early.

On the tube home Phil blared music in his ears, trying to pretend as if he wasn't terrified. He knew his parents loved him and he loved them, he had very little doubt they'd accept him, but his legs still shook as he stood at his stop. By the time he got home he was a wreak. He almost wanted to forget the whole idea and just head up to bed but when he walked in and his mum greeted him from the couch, calling him over happily to watch a movie with her, he couldn't. 

It was halfway through the movie when he couldn't sit still any longer. 

His dad had joined them earlier and he grabbed the remote and paused the TV, going to sit between his parent. 

 "Phil? You okay? Nothing happened to Dan, did it?" His mum immediately asked, seeing the worry on his face, and he shook his head. 

 "No, Mum, Dan's still okay." he said, and it felt like a lie. Before he got too caught up in that extra stress he rushed on, "I just have to tell you guys something." 

 "Oh. Alright. You've got me worried, now." His mum smiled anyway, seeming relieved. 

 "I, um, I like boys and girls." he said, feeling small and unable to phrase it in any other way without feeling like his parents wouldn't get it. 

 "Oh." his dad said, and Phil found himself crying without meaning to. He tried to stop himself, apologizing and tilting his head up to look at the ceiling. He felt two pairs of arms come around him. "That opens up your options a bit, doesn't it? Always nice. Wish you'd date more." His dad went on, hugging him tighter. 

His mum nodded against his side, pulling him closer as well. "Just so long as you're happy we are, Philip. It's okay, Baby. No matter what. We love you." she whispered, comforting him like she would when he was a little kid and he felt himself hurt with want for that simpler time. The nostalgic feeling of wanting to be little and able to curl up and be comforted by a caregiver that's so easy to creep in when one's sad making him cry harder, managing a mix of a sob and a laugh. 

 "What's wrong, son?" his dad asked, soothing his hair and he shrugged. 

 "I'm growing up." He managed. Phil's mum stood then, going to the kitchen for a bit and coming back with a bowl of popcorn and a tube of ice cream with three spoons sticking out. 

 "You are, and I'm so proud of you for the man you're becoming, but you're still our little boy. You're getting older but you don't have to always be grown up, you don't have to be tonight."