A day that is supposed to be filled with love and joy and happiness is instead filled with sorrow and self-pity and exhaustion.
The fireplace is cold and the presents under the tree were untouched. It is exactly 7 A.M right now and usually around this time everyone would be in their ridiculous pajamas that would be worn for the family picture, have a steaming cup of coco in their hands, and making an absolute mess with the wrapping paper. We would all be laughing and enjoying our time together then we would usually leave in the afternoon to do a bunch of volunteer work. In the evening we would be making dinner and enjoying the last bit of holiday cheer.
Instead, we are all separated, some against our will.
When I came home last night, Dad found me in a complete disarray. After crying for about 30 minutes in the car, you know, the ones that you can't control, my makeup was completely ruined, my mascara made me look extra horrified, and my throat was very dry. Though I did not utter one word about what had happened he understood everything. He sat with me on the couch and talked to me through all the worries. He brought some leftovers from his dinner party, which by all accounts was far better than mine, and I ate it so hungrily. He kept on talking to me and letting me cry and letting all the troubles out. He kept on telling me all the amazing things we were going to do today but I think we both knew it was going to be anything but. We both knocked out around 12 in the morning, with him supporting me while we sat up. But around 5 A.M he had to leave for work.
My stomach has been growling since 4 A.M but I have completely ignored it. My head was pounding so much but I could not get up to take a Tylenol. My body was so tired that every time I moved it hurt tremendously. I am just a ball of misery. To add to that I had so many plans made today to distract me from everything that happened, but I haven't checked any of them off. I had made plans to go to the local boys and girls to help with their toy drive but putting a smile on my face would be painful. The big church was doing a food drive today, but I did not want to infect everyone else with a holiday dis-cheer. I was supposed to have a happy feeling inside but all I felt was sadness.
Many people think that Bipolar Disorder is where you constantly have mood swings. Like a person could go from crazy to crying in less than an hour. There is some truth to it, but it runs much deeper than that.
With Bipolar Disorder you have depression episodes and mania, or hypomania, episodes. With depressive episodes it is kind of self-explanatory. The person will experience symptoms of anxiety and depression. It includes decrease in mood, loss of appetite, weight loss, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and more. An episode's length can vary person to person but can last from several days to several months; it's a cycle usually, you go through the ups and downs, but sometimes you can get triggered into an episode.
Mania, or hypomania, is the state where people, generally, sat they feel most "normal"; I hate mania though- it is such a trick my mind likes to play on me so that I think that I am finally normal but in reality, it is the complete opposite. To clear any confusion, mania episodes and hypomania episodes are not the same thing; think of hypomania episodes as a more watered-down version of mania episodes. Most symptoms of mania include increase in mood and energy, poor decision making, euphoria, and even anxiety as well.
Since many of these symptoms align with other disorders, like AD/HD, misdiagnoses are common with bipolar disorder. I remember it took a year and a half for skilled professionals to diagnose me. With many failed medication attempts (I have taken everything from Adderall to Fluoxetine) and many tests, I could say on behalf of everyone that it was a difficult process. I was diagnosed when I was 5 or 6 years old, so the misdiagnosis was also accompanied with everyone thinking that I was "just being a little kid".
Professionals don't really have a clue as to how a person has bipolar disorder, but many believe that it is due to genetics, environment, and trauma. Genetics is the main cause, like if you have bipolar disorder most likely your kid will most likely have bipolar disorder, but if you live in a stressful environment or if you had severe trauma in your life, you could also develop bipolar disorder. While there is no cure for BD there are many treatment options; the two biggest options that are approved and seemed to generally help a lot of people is therapy- group, solo, family, etc. - and medication. Mood stabilizers is not an uncommon name in the BD community.
Though they are not for me, medicine varies for everyone. I have tried it before, but I felt like I was just not me anymore; it felt like I was kind of floating through life, as though the life in me was just sucked right out. I felt like I was losing parts of myself slowly as I took every pill- my funny side, my angry side, my weird side, my honest side. I eventually stuffed them in the back of the drawer and hoped no one noticed I stopped taking them.
Ever since I found out that I had, I still have, as my therapist kindly reminded me, bipolar disorder, all that information I related to you was relayed to me countless times. I hated going to the doctors as an adolescent. It was tiring to hear every time I went to a doctor's appointment. Every time they were explaining how I was going to feel about certain things. Dad would usually focus and pay attention to the doctor's words to the max, like he never read them before. I would usually be irritated and frustrated, but you could never tell. I usually had a death stare just plastered on my face. I usually thought about just storming out of the room, slamming the door in the faces of two respected people for their utter nonsense, but my crippling anxiety would not let me.
Today, your luck got you to experience a depressive episode- bet you can't guess what caused it!
Right now, my social battery is dead, and my appetite is on vacation. My energy is not low per se, like I could go run a mile if I wanted, but rather on energy saving mode. All I literally want to do all day is sleep; I mean I could, nobody is stopping me. I just feel horrible.
I was closing my eyes, going to drift to sleep again, but my phone started to ring. I grabbed it and saw that everyone was inviting me to a group call. I instantly silence it and let it play out. I am pretty sure that Greyson told them the gist of what happened, but I could not deal with the worried eyes and the assuring questions. The phone finally went silent. I let out a sigh and was about to go back to sleep, but I got another call. Against my will I picked up the phone but not the call. It was Dad. I am pretty sure that he was just going to check up on me, but I didn't want to talk to him either. My gut is just telling me not to answer the phone. Putting the face of the phone on the table, ready to go to sleep again, I closed my eyes and felt everything closing, but again the phone rang. This time it was a scam. I hung up and threw the phone across the couch.
I hate myself! I hate myself, I HATE MYSELF, JUST LET ME DIE, please! Why do I have this? I don't want this anymore. I just want it to go away! I'm so stupid! I'm so tired! I don't want this anymore! I wish everything in the world would just forget and move on. They won't have a clue on what was and just focused on what is ahead. The constant looking over their shoulder would cease, and the rear-view mirror would no longer be in use. Instead of saying "Did we leave anything behind?" they just go. Would it be so hard just to do that?
The sound of my sobs gently puts me to sleep.
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FLOWER ARE BETTER WHEN THEY'RE FAKE (COMPLETED)
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