FLOWER ARE BETTER WHEN THEY'RE FAKE (COMPLETED)

Chapter 31

A lot of people will say that their are stages of grief that every person goes through when they lose a loved one. It's called the "The 5 Stages of Grief"; the process is generally denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But I think this is far from the truth. In all honesty everyone goes through and handles grief and sadness and their pain differently. You and another person will never feel the exact same way, all the way down to a T, about something. If we did, feel the same way about things, then mood disorders wouldn't really exist. But that's just my opinion.

We were at the funeral and to be quite honest I wasn't feeling anything. It's like the inside of me is hurting so bad that it could kill me yet I don't feel it. It's like I am numb, almost. Sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve, sometimes a bit too proudly, and sometimes I am the master of my pain and sadness and sorrow.

A double funeral. A double whammy. I've never been to a funeral before, let alone two. Dad and Victor were medical professionals. Overtime they got used to the idea and concept of death, had witnessed, and now are going through it firsthand. I understood death but I was too scared to embrace it. My will to live was always stronger than my will to die; I have tried overdosing and even cutting myself but with the medicine I never took too many because I didn't want to create another scene and cutting myself hurt so bad and I wasn't strong enough to handle that pain (I have actually never told anyone that, not even Greyson.) The idea that someone was once alive, who used to do and say and feel things like a functioning person, is just not there anymore frightens me more than anything. It's the circle of life but why should you understand it if you aren't even finished yet?

Victor's parents and Shelby were standing next to me. We were at the front of the church, next to the coffins. (A small part of me was surprised when we were allowed to hold it here- you know with them being who they are- but the people here were totally for it. The guy who I met was very nice about it) I was standing in the back earlier, avoiding the coffins and all the people, pretending that this was all fake, that they aren't really dead and that it was just a horrible horrible nightmare, but it looked wrong that I wasn't up there. I had to stop kidding myself around and do what I needed to do.

I've never been to church before. Dad told me that growing up he wasn't really taught anything about religion. He wasn't an atheist or agnostic, he believed that there was a greater power and everything, but he never had a good grasp on what it actually means. We just decided to have the funeral at the Big Church. This is not actually it's real name, I haven't actually learned what it is. We just kind of choose to have it here cause this is the closest place we have a connection to. We volunteered here before when they have a food or toy drive or something like that.

Another person came up to Dad and Victor. They were wearing the whole black ensemble and looked like they knew what they were doing. They were a few years older than Dad and Victor. They walked up to them, looked down on them, shed a few tears, touched the coffin and started to speak soft, quiet words to them.

Hey dingbat, let me tell you something, I don't know what you're doing but they can't hear anything you're saying anymore.

The random person left Dad and Victor and came to greet us living people. I recognized this person from the wedding but I couldn't put a name to the face. A lot of people who were at the wedding was here, and a lot of people who weren't at the wedding was also here as well. A general rule of thumb is that invite people you actually like to your wedding. If you and a random person have beef, or you haven't spoke to them in a while, don't invite them to your wedding, it can be that simple. But that rule doesn't really apply to funerals. People will become more lenient to another person once they're dead. Yesterday they were talking so much trash behind your back that it could've filled a dumpster, today they are crying over your grave and are sorry for all the pain and misery they caused you.