My Best Friend and I: Anorexia

im sick

My old friends and I had a insta group where we would talk every day and one day one of my friends told me without any doubt and certainly of what she was saying that I was sick and I needed to ask for help or it could get worse. Till that day I never thought about the possibility of being sick, cause nobody ever cared enough to try to open my eyes and tell me that something wasn't right. For the first time ever, one of my friends had stopped to think about what was happening to me and had the decency to validate my feelings and tell me that I needed help without being afraid to loose all the attention, as the others used to do all that time.

That day I sent an email to my university psychology institute and asked for help, cause I needed to know what was wrong to me. I was chewing and spitting a lot, restricting a lot, exercising a lot, depressing a lot and hurting myself a lot. By this time I started having panic attacks frequently. I used to have them when I was younger and then they just disappeared and came back in the worst moment possible. I waited one month for the university to respond me back and that never happened. Maybe my problem was not that worrisome.

I was miserable. I would spend the day thinking about my death. When would my time come. I was feeling so aimless, no future and no desire to continue. Feeling that no one really liked me, no one cared and that there would always be someone more important than me to everyone. I used to think that I would never have a good future cause I would never be able to have a job since I couldn't talk to people or establish relationships with them. I was thinking that I would never be able to have my own family because no one would ever like me that way because of how stupid I was. That's why I never stopped loving my friends, cause I was scared that if I didn't make an effort to preserve my friendships, even though they were so toxic, I would get completely alone, cause nobody would want to be my friend. Remeber when I said that I always thought that they were the ones who needed me, guess what? I was wrong... I was the one who needed them. They didn't need me. Nobody needed me. It didn't feel like I was living anymore, it felt like I was surviving.
I wanted to die to see if anybody would cry for me. I also wanted to feel pain, to see if I was alive or dead because I didn't even knew. Apathy all day long. I stopped crying cause I didn't had the strength to do it anymore. I would feel a desire not to feel this sadness ever again, but at the same time a desire to feel something because I was tired of feeling nothing.