Let me love you

45

(Before Thalia)
TW: mentions of Suicide

Heath

My phone rings for the third time tonight, I was so close to just throwing it out the window. Fuck that.

Hello?? You haven't answered any single one of my texts in days.

Duke was being pushy as usual which only ever made me more pissed off. I hate when he starts to act like he needs to take care of me. I'm over that shit.

I just want to sleep. Forever. I think that's what death is like, sleep. A very deep sleep that I was in need of because I was fucking tired.

I leave my phone where it is on the counter, letting it buzz away. Beau follows behind me, already trying to get me to pet him.

I head upstairs and reach what I was looking for, the safe. I open it before taking the never before used gun. I strap it onto my waist before putting my shirt down to hide it.

I look around the room quickly, taking in the last memory I would have of my room. The feeling is weird, I know what I was about to do but the only feeling I could express was knowing that it needed to be done.

Just get it over with already. I shut the door and walk back downstairs, kneeling down to give Beau one last pet. I know Duke would eventually come check on me, he'll take care of Beau.

"You've been good company." I scratch his ears before he licks me happily.

I stand up and walk through the door, not looking back to the house that would trap me with my own feelings of past trauma. There wasn't anything for me to miss. No one to miss me either. I just have to fucking do this already.

I reach for the belt on my waist, making sure the gun was still there. I walked around the streets for a while until eventually, I stopped by the river.

The night was already breezy as it is and just looking at the water, it looked cold as shit. I'd definitely drown because I can't fucking swim. I rather not feel any physical pain if I was going to die slowly.

I take out the gun and look down at it. Just one shot with this and done, no pain or anything. I didn't know it would be so fucking difficult to choose my own cause of death.

Fuck the water. I'm not getting in that cold dirty water. I walk the quiet streets, looking for any tall trees that I could eventually die under.

I walk around slowly, not in any rush or anything. Staring onto the ground at each step. I'm fucking stalling. I look around at the quiet neighborhood, nobody was around.

I look down at the gun in my hand, I really don't want a bullet through my brain. I take a deep breath, starting to feel myself panic.

Why can't I just fucking do it. Get it done already. Fuck.

I run a hand through my hair roughly as I start to pace back and forth down the street. I wanted to do it but I can't. I can just fucking wait one more day or some shit.

My head starts spinning and I sit on the hard ass sidewalk as I take a moment to just breathe. My heart was thumping like crazy, I don't know why. Maybe I'll die of a heart attack.

My chest feels tight but I keep taking shallow breaths as I focus on the road in front of me. I stare at one direct pothole on the road, keeping focus on that.

"Hi" I hear someone but chose to ignore it. Maybe if I ignore them they'll get the fucking hint to leave.

"Hi!" They spoke in a louder tone so I turn my eyes ahead to stare at the person.