Let me love you

48

Heath

How to find Happiness within yourself?

I shake my head at the fact that I really had to google this to get some sort of an idea to what the fuck this even means. I'm doing this for Thalia.

"Smile, Get Plenty of sleep, Give a compliment,  and acknowledge unhappy moments." I read off the list that showed up as I talk to Thalia.

Or Buddy, whatever. I've been talking to him as if he was Thalia but he's much more quiet than she is. He just always sits there and looks dumb.

"Fuck finding happiness in myself. Fuck that." I scoff and catch myself tripping over a crack on the side walk.

It's been a couple of days since I've even seen Thalia and already these days have felt like an eternity of hell. Im not sad or anything, I just feel like I miss her.

She fills the void in my life. She is my life. No matter what she says, I can't find happiness in myself because she makes me who I am. She makes me want to go on, I need her in my life.

Buddy pulls on the leash as he forces me to follow him to some tree, I took the car to the park and brought Beau and Buddy along. I shouldn't have because Buddy's a friendly dog who goes up to people which makes me then have to talk to them.

They then preceded to ask me what breed he is as if they don't have eyes and can't tell he's a golden retriever. Its fucking common sense.

Something that brings me happiness that isn't Thalia are these blue raspberry slurpee's. They are the shit. I could drink these things all day, if Id never met Thalia I would have never known that these exist.

I put my sunglasses down onto my nose as I walk around the park, holding two leashes. I walk over to a bench and take a seat. I look ahead at the large lake, sitting this close to the water I could feel the colder breeze settling in.

I open the same journal I've had for years and decide to write something in it. At one point I used to write everything in here, all my thoughts. That was back when I didn't have anyone to tell my thoughts to.

I haven't written in it much because now I have Thalia. I might not say everything that I think like she does but at least I know that I could trust her with the things I want to say.

I sigh and look down seeing Beau laying on the cool ground as Buddy sat with his tongue sticking out. I didn't like being away from Thalia, it made me anxious about how Im alone, without her.

I get what she wanted me to get from some time away. I never thought I would tell her about that night because I didn't want that to ruin things. Maybe she'd change after I told her. She didn't, that's how I know she means something serious to me.

I put my drink besides me and start to write about anything that I could think of. I wrote about Thalia and Duke, corny shit like that .

I hadn't tried talking to Duke, I know he wouldn't answer anyway. I know he was hurt by everything he heard, mostly because I didn't tell him directly. Even though I wish I did. I'm an idiot, but he knows that by now. He's my best friend.

I still have things I need to learn and get better at. Communication is one of them but that's already hard to do for someone who doesn't like talking much. I liked to listen, listen to Thalia. It's too quiet without her. The silence makes me uncomfortable now.

I close the small journal and hold it close to my side as I stand and walk back to the car. I walk with both leashes around my one wrists and hold my slurpee in my other hand. As I get closer to my car I see a mother with her daughter in the car seat in the car next to mine.