my feelings

I'm fine

Yes I am fine, but inside I'm drowning.

I'm drowning in pain, I'm drowning in the fear, in anger and in loneliness

All I can hear is how people around me are so proud of the fact that I'm doing better. That they are happy to see that I can talk about my feelings now. That they are relieved that I can finely take care of myself again.

But all I can hear in my head is how sorry I feel for myself, how I fake all of this. How it will be so much easier to just cut my wrist or just jump in front of a train. All I can hear is my head saying I don't deserve the food I'm eating. How I need to lose weight, how people don't actually like me. How I fucked up my job because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

I am so tired of the fact that I'm here again. How I feel getting deeper down every day. I can't do this fight again. I can't fight this shit again. I almost lost the fight the first time, I won't win the second time.

Oh god the voices in my head are getting louder. My head is screaming that I need to do better, but I don't know how. My dad says I need to do better. I am neglecting my horse. But in the meantime, I'm sitting in my room feeling hopeless. In the meantime there is happening so much around me that I really don't know what to do anymore. But no, I am just being lazy and I need to do better.

"It was your fault", "Don't blame him, he didn't do it", "Well you can expect that things like that happen to you", "You just wanted the attention, we know you're lying."

I lost friends, again. I lost my happy place at work, I lost. I lost like I will lose the fight with my depression. I lost the feeling of happiness. I lost the will in life again. How am I supposed to keep fighting if I just fall back down again. How will I know that things I do to get better will actually work how will I be sure that I can trust myself, my head and the people around me. How can I be sure that I am safe. Safe from the people around me and safe from myself.

How can I prepare a future for myself when I am not even sure that I will be in that future. How can my parents not see that their daughter is fading away again. I need help to find myself back, but how will I get help if the only thing I can say is, I am fine.