butterflies. | Ashtray X Fem

45.|this isn't me.

45.| this isn't me.

it's been about a month since the incident with maddy and cassie at the mall, and since i was invited to my parents funeral.me and ash haven't spoken once since miami, but rue told me he's fully healed and has been asking for me, fez nor her will tell her where im staying and maddy went to the store talking shit about me as a plan to disguise where im staying.

(TW.)

"caye! open this fucking door please." maddy had been pounding heavily on the bathroom door as i sat on the floor weak, blood covering my shirt and wrist.this is where ive gotten, taking as many pills as possible and cutting myself...it's what makes me feel... better. i feel like there's no point in life anymore, it's all falling apart.

"caye please." maddy whispers sobbing. even if i wanted to open the door. i couldn't get off the floor, the 4 xannies i took and the amount of blood i lost have made me nothing but useless.

"caye talk to me if your there, please anything." maddy began coughing choking on her tears. this was probably traumatizing since you know.. my overdose was in this exact bathroom.

"i-im here." i state weakly.

"open the door please." she begs again, hasn't she gotten it? we've been here for 25 minutes and the door has even opened. everything was slowly spinning, i knew i wasn't going to pass out, it just wasn't enough yet. and i couldn't grab the blade resting on the sink.

"fuck it im getting ashtray caye." maddy stated harshly and i could hear her walking away. i didn't want him here, i didnt wanna see, hear, or feel him, he was dead to me. and even though he was, i wouldn't want him to see me like this, i don't want anyone too. i just sat there drowning in my thoughts, my wrists have gone numb, and i wasn't going to look at them, i knew it wasn't something i wanna see, i don't want to see the damage ive done to myself, and i knew once ashtray and fez got here that door was going to open, i knew they'd send me to the hospital, and i know their going to recommend rehab, but ashtray wouldn't let me go, i made him promise before all of this happened. i sat there and i knew they'd be here any minute, their house is literally a walking distance from maddy's. i sat there tears leaking from my eyes. i wasn't ready.

"caye." i heard his voice, yes him.. the doorknob began to shake rapidly.

"FEZ HELP." ashtray yelled and i heard running and then something pushing against the door roughly, a thud each time. i heard their grunts each time their bodies hit the door. the door eventually fell and i watched their faces drop at the sight. i stared at them barely awake..

"fuck, fuck, fuck." fez placed his hands behind his head panicing.

"holy fuck caye." ashtrays eyes immediately began watering as he ran to my side wrapping his arms around my body, resting my head on his chest. he craddled me.

"fuck man.." fez bit on his lip clearly nervous.

"call the fucking ambulance bruh." ashtray yelled and fez ran out the room. he kissed the top of my head gently as my blood leaked on the sleeves of his nike tech.

"im so fucking sorry caye, just don't leave me okay? im gonna make this up to you, everything's going to be okay." ashtray whispered to me now sobbing.

"just stay here for me okay, stay awake." ashtray held onto my wrist applying pressure which BURNED. i immediately heard the sirens.

"their here ma, your gonna be okay." ashtray slowly lifted me up with him, carrying me bridal style, everything began to move slowly, the sirens echoed as ashtray ran out the house with me, they laid me on a stretcher, and that's the last thing that happened before everything went black.

*time skip to caye waking up.*

my eyes slowly opened a white light blinding me and i knew exactly where i was. i looked over at my wrist 4 cuts each, but the cuts were now stitched shut. maddy, rue, fez,lexi, and ashtray all in the room. ashtrays face was rosey and glossy meaning he has been crying. maddy just sat there still crying. no one rushed over they all just sat there. i closed my eyes gulping all the guilt hitting me, i definitely did some damage to them.

"it's okay." maddy whispered walking over to the side of me, she stroked my hair back. it was calming, she knew how to handle me and my emotions so well.

"shh don't tense up." maddy kissed my forehead gently. and i did calm down.

"damn kid you scared me to death." fez walked over and i smiled at him gently.

"glad your okay." he nodded gulping.

"im glad your here." i sighed. he really was my big brother.

"never do that dumb shit again aii? it ain't worth it." fez stared down at me. i nodded slowly as him and maddy walked off. lexi walking over, her eyes watery. i haven't seen her in forever.

"im so sorry caye." she gulped looking at her feet.

"i-i don't know what got into me, but ive been dealing with all this guilt for so long, i should've been here for you, and i wasn't. im so sorry.." a tear slowly dropped down lexi's cheek. fez walked over placing a hand on her shoulder caressing it slowly.

"love you lex." i blurted out trying to hold in my tears.

"love you." she grabbed my hand rubbing her thumb against mine. she just stood there staring at me as i stared back, we had calm soft smiles on our faces. fez then nudged his head as he directed her to leave the room. he signaled maddy as well and that's when rue came over.

"damn." rue let out a heavy sigh.

"hate looking at yourself huh." i chuckle.

"no literally." rue stood there awkwardly.

"its fine, you don't have to say anything rue, thanks for being here." i nod and she nods back leaving. now it was just me and ashtray. i didn't look at him. i knew i hurt him worse then he has ever hurt.

"you know, this whole relationship with you has been the best thing to ever happen to me." ashtray stated clearly hurt and i remained quiet.

"and to think that you were easily going to take yourself away from me, caye im dying inside."

"the fucking audacity you have to take YOU AWAY FROM ME, is unbelievable, if anyone's going to kill you, it has to be me." he began walking over to the bed, i wanted to smile, but i couldnt.

"i know i fucked up, heavy, but bruh i love you, that shit was so dumb of me, and look karma got right back at me, and it fucking hurts to know your in this bed because of me." ashtray teared up. and so did i.

"your the love of my life." he placed his hand on my cheek caressing it.

"and even though we're clearly not together.. im going to be here."

"im not giving up on you."

A/N: THIS IS SO BAD GUYS OMFG, YALL MY STORY IS GOING TO END SO SOON😞 SO FUCKING SOON BUT YALL HAVE TO PROMISE ME TO READ MY NEXT ONE, PROMISE ME, AND I WANNA THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE GROWTH ON THIS BOOK. OMFG IM ALL OVER THE PLACE RN, BUT ILY GUYS💗💗💗 xoxo- jaylene.