Half Awake -- Love & Psychosis

Poopy Prologue

The first step to being in a psych ward whether it be voluntary or involuntary- Pack something to poop with.

One of the hardest things to do is sit at a hospital toilet and try to take the nastiest shit unoccupied. Usually I would bring my phone, but unfortunately this story doesnt take place in the comforts of my own home. It wouldnt be my first rodeo if I told you Ive never been institutionalized before. I know how it works.

Your belongings when being an involuntary patient include:

Non-slip hospital socks

Two hospital gowns

A folder.

I didnt have any belongings when I was admitted to the psych ward for the third time. Actually, being an involuntary patient there emotionally wrecked the shit out of me, and the truth about my brain disorder really unfolded. (I have what normal people would call Bipolar 1 and Borderline Personality Disorder.)

At the end of this day though, I am a human being with just another brain disorder passed down by relatives I didnt even know had it. Not that its their fault I have so many things wrong with me, I pride myself by going through this.

Luckily, my boyfriend Kyle supported and loved me the entire way through mania and psychosis, but also in the hospital. Some of the clothes he brought me were a little questionable, so I looked pretty goofy walking the halls of Redwood.

Imagine a 22 year old girl that everyone seemed to fear. The fear in peoples eyes when I am only just existing, walking down a narrow path. As if I knew how to hurt anybody but myself.

When I was two years old I was pulled out of my mothers home by Child Services. Adopted, if you will. With the family just growing, all of my aunts and uncles had their own children already. Except one family didnt have a third child: The Brouckmans. My grandmother was the one who raised me for a while, and let me give you her quota:

Margaret is the most selfless woman in my family. The family tree never confused me because I knew my grandma was the right one. Grandmas are the best. Margaret would never sit down until everyone at her dinner table was served, even if it was cinnamon toast. She didnt rest until everyone else was taken care of, and Im proud of her for the family she has created. There have been times where I see myself within her, and she is truly my greatest inspiration. Born and raised through the Baptist church in the suburbs of Illinois, she sparks kindness and care through God every. Single. Day.

Im not sure where my disorder came from. I cant blame anybody for my diagnosis and not even myself. I know that I was in psychosis at least twice in my life. Mania is exhausting and I hate putting my body through that, but with the help of the psych ward, my therapist, my psychiatrist, I can take care of myself. The way I live through mania is half awake. Im fully aware of everything that happens during mania yet I could be awake for SIX days, how does that make sense? The borderline part of my brain is always adapting and keeping me aware of my surroundings. I do have an excellent memory, unfortunately. I remember every look Unawake people have given me. The Unawake is a certain type of person. And Im surrounded by those who are still sleeping. Mental health awareness is important. Mental illness is important to take care of too. Your brain is your best friend. My best friend is also Kyle, but he cant be inside of my head ALL the time. This is the book I will write to tell everyone my story. Trigger warnings ahead! Expect the entire book to be a trigger warning, shit gets deep.