Half Awake -- Love & Psychosis

Chapter 1: Young and Abused

The first time I was admitted to the psych ward was when I was 15. I had a boyfriend named Bryce who was abusive sexually and verbally. He was everything to me, unfortunately. There had been times where he would touch me without my permission, along with other things. It was so much that I wanted to kill myself when my parents would never let me see him again.

In Cypress I would hear other little girls screaming and crying, and I didnt think anything of it. I had cuts from self harm all up and down my thighs and wrists, no shame. At first they thought I had major depressive disorder because of me just being depressed that I couldnt be in an abusive relationship anymore.

They let us watch movies every day, color, draw, practice our coping skills until it was time to go home. I was on Cypress for 13 days.

Everytime people are admitted to a mental hospital the goal is to try and get out of it. I was only 15 and I havent had a manic episode yet, and I was just doing my best to go home to my ex. The one who had raped, tortured, and abused me. I was in love for the first time but I had no idea what love was supposed to be. I kept quite the journal, and I wish I knew where that journal was because I was with it every day. Huddled up in the psych ward with a notebook is usually the best place for my brain to poop.

I would sneak out of my room almost every night, because Bryce would be at my window demanding me to come with him. The pressure was on and I was too young to understand that going out of my window would lead to him raping me at his house, at the park, anywhere secluded. I thought it was love.

He was emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive. And I was an aspiring tuba player who practiced for hours until my lip would bleed. I would skip lunch to go to the band room and play tuba all by myself. Locked up in a practice room where no one would find me and I could just play music. I didnt take care of myself, and my parents had no idea what I was going through emotionally. They knew I wanted to be with Bryce, but I knew that I was stuck with him until he left me alone. I didnt have a phone or privacy for a really long time. I was not to be trusted anyways because I would just go smoke pot and cigarettes at age 15. Sex was also something I started doing at a young age until it turned into me being unconscious and a bottom every time. Or if I said no.

Junior year of high school I started to understand that maybe my first real boyfriend was a piece of trash. Yet, I still had to tolerate him during marching band. It probably wasnt healthy to be in the same instrument section as him, but he was the first friend I made freshman year. I casted aside all of my girl friends and boy friends for years for somebody who was controlling who I talk to, sit by, and what I wear. But I was free in junior year.

When I am single there really isnt any stopping me from finding somebody to hold and love. Bryce found someone pretty easily too, until he went to jail. I remember messaging him periodically to see how he was doing and how his new girlfriend is, and it seemed all pure and upright. It is not my problem anymore. Although he hurt me the most; I wont let anyone else touch me like that again.

Growing up and getting older had its ups and downs, but so did I. I graduated high school with a 2.4 GPA, side by side with somebody I called my best friend. We will call her Emma for privacy sake, and for future reference as she is involved in trauma I will mention later on. I never had perfect grades, but I was great in class and at taking notes. Memory was always an issue for me when I was younger, so I never retained much important information. My one true high school love was the band. I gave my whole heart to my high school band program that kept me safe, passionate, and inspired.

Playing tuba was more than a hobby to me. I would watch professional Drum Corps videos in hopes to be in one, but that ship never sailed for me. I was encouraged by my band director to try musical education instead of music performance when I went off to college. All I could think about was being an amazing professional tuba player and that was my dream. I was 17 when I graduated, so my freshly peaked senior year turned me arrogant and overly cocky. I loved being the section leader for the low brass, and I loved playing tuba in any band setting.

If I were to describe how much I hoped my dream would be supported, I would run out of room to write about it. Has any person gotten a bachelors in tuba performance and succeeded forever? I wanted to beat those odds until I realized I had different passions when I turned 22. I am currently 22, living in a pandemic thats been going on for almost 3 years. I live in a 3 bedroom house with my boyfriend Kyle, and three cats that we both love. Stability is all we hope for, but the brain needs to be taken care of first.

Caretaking.