Half Awake -- Love & Psychosis

Chapter 6: Elm

The second time I was institutionalized to a psych ward was while I worked for Chuck. I had an amazing time working for the guy because of how much sales were there. I was kept busy and well respected for my experience in the JJ's community. I had made a couple friends but before Father's day was when I lost a friend too.

Father's day became different to me after what had happened between my father and friend. I viewed it as just another day but I wanted to take my dad out fishing with my little brother. I discovered that I was manic, and the trigger was when my cat peed on me at 3am. Losing this friend over the switch between mania, psychosis, and awareness was tough on me. I was awake for only three days.

Out on the boat, I puked into the water. "EEEUUUUUhhhh"

I also started to feel paranoia on an extremely different level. Mindwandering is how your brain starts to think when you lose sleep. I started doing this for a few days, and I had no control over how my body was thinking. I was restless and couldn't take care of myself, so I did what any "crazy" person would do. Admit myself to a mental hospital.

Kyle was my rock during this admission and breakdown. I started to have ear burning psychosis where the people from the past were telling me to kill myself. I needed to get back on medication to be able to control this evil part about myself. First, they bumped up my anti-depressant medication, and prescribed new anxiety medicine. Then, 100 seroquel for the "voices" at first.

On Elm, the unit was cramped and frightening. Other patients experienced the same things I was, meaning at times people were kicking and screaming. I had a roommate this time, and I thought she was the shit. She described her psychosis as "having a third eye" and she had so much control. I was mostly alone in this unit, and I would make frequent phone calls to Kyle because I was so homesick. The hallways on Elm werent paceable and we patients werent let outside often, so I went a little stir crazy.

The phones at the mental hospital are boxed into the wall with a cord only a foot long. I could compare this to the prison phones, but I've never been to prison. Later in Redwood I get in trouble for saying "jail" in the first place. I would huddle up in the hallway with the phone pressed to my ear, "I love you," we said.

I would restore my strength on this unit and go home to Kyle, simple as that. Being a voluntary patient meant I was taking the step to better myself. When I found out I could go home on the third day, I was overjoyed. I was sick of writing in a wide ruled journal, although it did keep me safe when I felt completely alone. Elm was somewhere I didn't feel safe because of the nurses, staff, and some patients. It felt like whenever we needed anything we would go to the nurses station, but their eyes were always on their own work or coworkers. Us "crazy" people would have to stand by the station twiddling our thumbs waiting to be attended to. It was unfortunate to feel ignored, feared, and caged. Their job is caretaking for the mentally insane but they would look down and hide away instead. I didn't even know my nurse's name because they rarely spoke to me. All I could do was participate in groups and hope they see progress in my own self. I have nothing against the workers until it becomes a matter of discrimination.

While being in the psych unit was very helpful for me, I don't see myself ever wanting to come back to that one. On my last day another patient threw an entire plate of chicken at a psych tech, believing it was pork and that they were going to die. This is a prime example of why I was put into Elm, hearing things I shouldn't be hearing. Auditory hallucinations don't feel great at all and it's like my ears burn under too much paranoia. This was my escape route to being a better person and getting my brain in order.

Until 100 seroquel was not enough.