Half Awake -- Love & Psychosis

Chapter 4: The Unawake

I remember the beginning of the pandemic that started so swiftly. Every restaurant, bar, activity building shut down. Everything that stayed open like doctors, hospitals, and other essential places were packed to the brim with people. The virus kept everyone at home, and nobody was to go anywhere besides work, or the grocery store. People were required to wear a mask every time they went out into the public to protect themselves and other people from catching the virus.

During this wretched year of my life my parents decided to split up. Ive always had a complicated relationship with them but I was closer to my dad, and still am. Unfortunately Emma was the girl my dad cheated on my mom with, and I hate saying that outloud. The story gets foggy due to privacy reasons, but just know that this tore me apart for months.

I remember sitting on my bathroom floor of the apartment, defeated and drained of all emotional power. Ive already cried the tears I needed to, but something inside of me wished to die. Kyle would come and hold me until it was over, but that didnt change the fact that I had just lost my best friend and my dad and Is relationship was broken. I begged to die, but never acted upon any of my suicidal feelings. Kyle felt like everyone I had left.

This affected my work-life as well. I was working at a nursing home at the time caring for the elderly as it was an essential workers job. I had enjoyed talking and caring about the old folk, but the deep sadness behind my heart had been too powerful to hold back tears. I would just cry.

I would have to excuse myself from whatever I was doing to let out my pain in private. Out of the 40 hours I had a week, it was difficult to hold it all together. Everything the world was going through meshed with everything me and my family were going through. A whirlwind of overpowering trauma was building up inside of my head, and that pain is more powerful than getting kicked in the teeth. Until I got fired.

Its going to be okay.

Give it some time.

Not long after that summer came a very difficult fall. The leaves were falling and the wilderness was preparing for hibernation. Both of my brothers were up in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, and I was planning a trip to go see them. I was working at the Hudsonville Jimmy Johns, a job I started before I worked at the nursing home, but never had any passion for. I prepared my 2009 Ford Taurus for the trek up to the Upper Peninsula, and also one of my other childhood best friends came along too.

I dont want to use this persons name, I believe it would hold them to too much power in my very own book. They were an opinionated, arrogant, and selfish person. In other words, not someone I should take on a 13 hour sightseeing trip to visit my brothers in college. The Upper Peninsula was beautiful though, as I had only visited once before this trip. The leaves were all shades of orange, burning through every inch of pain I had before and turning it into a different kind of pain. Unspoken breaths of fresh air as I forgot how to breathe. I forgot how to think for myself.

Remember when I mentioned the Unawake? The unaware of other peoples emotional well being, emotionally unavailable and broken. College is the right place for people who are sleeping mentally. The goal was to get as drunk as possible and have a great time. When staying at a college it wasnt supposed to be comfortable, but my friend had made things difficult to cut loose and have fun. Going out of my comfort zone in general is daunting and intimidating, I usually make rash decisions under pressure. I was mean to my friend because they were pooping on the party, but I dont regret losing this one. They were one of the Unawake while I was fully aware and in control. I paid for that bus ticket so I wouldnt have to handle another nine hour trip home with someone I couldnt handle.

Another friend lost, and another episode of pain. Losing people close to me is my biggest trigger, and this was my longest friendship I managed to keep. But the most beneficial part about losing this friend was that I could finally think for myself without having someone affect my emotional feelings.