Half Awake -- Love & Psychosis

Chapter 2: College Ain't It

When I graduated from high school I went right to Cedarville University to pursue a major in Social Work. I applied for the Foster care Scholarship and received a full tuition scholarship to go to school there. No pressure. This private christian college was something else, and I really didnt follow the rules.

Walking through the indoor track on my first day, my mom and I were looking around at clubs and activities. I brought my tuba mouthpieces to college but I wasnt expecting to play until the director encouraged me to. Joining a band my first year of college was the best thing that ever happened in my musician mind. If I didnt have band back then, I wouldn't have myself.

*might add more between these paragraphs*

There was only one other tuba player, but he didnt even attend Cedarville. His name was Hans. He wielded the tuba like I did: Like we meant it. When performing we would put our whole back into the instrument. I would breathe like it was my last breath. I would project my passion for tuba not only through noise, but through my body language. Hans was a blessing to perform with, and it always helps having another tuba player next to me. The section gets lonely and I run out of air eventually.

Unfortunately my Cedarville story gets worse from here, and I know there are plenty of ways I could have prevented this trauma. I didnt fall in love, but I fell somewhere close to it. This is the part where my heart doesnt break but it broke somewhere close to it.

The rules of Cedarville were pretty reasonable to follow given that it was a private christian college. Curfew was midnight on the weekdays, 1am on the weekends. No leggings! No jeans with holes! No shorts! Chapel every morning at 10am and church strongly encouraged on Sundays. There are more rules, but I dont have the energy to list them.

Personally, I dont want to share the gory details of my own faith. I didnt give any attention to my bible minor that I shouldve been studying for. Actually, I didnt give any attention to my studies. I downloaded a dating app because the Cedarville scene was not my vibe. I met tons of different men and went on different dates here and there. The one person that stuck was Brien with an E. Yup, I literally call him that. We went on several dates and we even got intimate many times. I dont think I fell in love with Brien, but I loved and cared about him as any best friend would. I remember sitting on top of a parking garage, looking out around Beavercreek. He was concentrating on his own things all the time, and it was cool to get to know him. Before we parted ways I remember crying and begging him not to leave me but we werent even together, and my home was in Michigan, not Ohio. He was my best friend and the one I clung to outside of Cedarville. Cedarville didnt even matter to me, I wasnt ready for college and everyone knew it. I do thank him for being a comfort and a rock during that wretched year, he got me through it. Also, his mom is a notable person in this book.

When I walked into the house for the first time I was greeted by many sweet cats. I grew up around dogs and didnt have experience with cats until I met Brien and his mom. On the kitchen counter sat a large unfinished dollhouse, but I could tell this lady had a hobby and I loved it. Miniature furniture, small paints, and one big dollhouse with no shame. A passion like this taught me that anyone can do anything. I also remember watching some of The Bachelor with his mom, and boy, it didnt get much better than that.

My heart didnt break when he said goodbye. I felt lonely, yes, having no one at Cedarville who understood me. My first semester roommate left the school, and he transitioned. I had a new roommate last semester but I had to be prim and proper around her. Thats not who I am but thats who I was. Blending into my surroundings to adapt and overcome. Turning myself into someone Im not just to get by a little longer. Thats where Borderline Personality Disorder fits into this scenario. I never took one long look at myself and questioned who I was. I know I was living a lie at a private christian college, and I dont ever want to live my life like a lie again.

I remember pacing and crying on the phone with my family. Telling them I was too depressed to continue schooling, but everyone tried to encourage me to keep trying. It never felt like I had a choice. Influence and advice could only get me so far. Thoughts and prayers could be sent out my way and nobody could ever get the message. Did anyone ask me if that was what I wanted for myself? Only I know my side of the story, and if I had a choice I wouldnt have come back for a 2nd semester. No offense, its really tiring to be strung along like a puppet. Be careful with what you seek advice for; because some people are fixers and will say whatever they think is best for you. To know what is best for someone is impossible unless youre asking yourself. Only you know whats best for yourself, and no one else can see the world like you do.