I Tried To Unkill Myself

01

trigger warning:
there will be mentions of suicide, self harm and other mature stuff

numb little bug

00:39 ━━⬤──── 02:47
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☀︎︎
01 | Suicide

Do you ever get a
little bit tired of life?
When you're not really happy
but you don't want to die?

Mas pinalakas ko pa ang tunog ng musika habang nagsisigawan sina mama at papa sa baba. They're fighting again and I know it's about money.

It has always been about it because we have a financial problem. Sabi nga nila money makes the world go round. I'll say it's true but not literally though, kasi totoo naman na naging alipin na tayo ng isang pirasong papel.

That you're hanging by a thread
but you gotta survive.
And you gotta survive.

I looked at the calendar, today is January 9. I squinted my eyes as I'm trying to remember where I put my anti-radiation glasses. I sighed, hindi ko kasi iyon mahanap. It's very funny kasi sa tuwing kailangan ko iyong gamitin hindi nagpapakita sa akin tapos kapag hindi ko na kailangan, doon pa nagpapakita.

My world is really fucked up...

Like your body's in the room but you're not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care.

I looked at my phone and it's 11:01 am. It's almost lunch time but I don't really have the energy to go downstairs and eat. The toxic environment will definitely kill me.

Home should feel comforting yet all I can feel is chaos within these walls.

It has always been like this, why can't they just talk instead of shouting at each other? Pwede naman idaan sa usapan at hindi sa sigawan.

I closed my eyes and drifted to dreamland; my only escape in this cruel and fucked up world of mine. My dreams are so much better than my reality kahit na minsan ang weird din ng mga panaginip ko. I never bothered to turn off the music, I'll just let it play.

Like you're fresh outta love but it's been in the air.

Am I past repair?

᯽

I blinked twice because I already found myself sitting under a tree. Napakamot nalang ako sa aking ulo kasi paulit-ulit ko na itong napanaginipan but right now it's somehow different kasi may isang lalaki na kulay niyebe niyang buhok at may earrings siya na mukhang maliliit na hourglass.

"Hello Eleven," the guy greeted me as he started stepping closer and closer to me. There something about him that makes me feel at home even though he's a stranger.

A stranger in my dreams.

"Bakit mo alam ang pangalan ko? At sino ka?" I calmly asked those questions but I am still a little bit scared about this guy. He's wearing a ruffled white t-shirt and also some white jeans. Weird.

But he does look a little bit stylish to me.

"It's a secret," he replied shortly while his hair was slowly blown by the wind and the flowers on the field also swayed with the wind. The sun is shining brightly in the summer skies, there are also mountains and birds flying in the sky.

"Okay, madali lang naman ako kausap but at least tell me your name," wika ko sa kanya. I looked deeply into his ocean blue eyes. It's pretty but also terrifying.

"I don't want to tell you my name and I'm pretty sure you're trying to escape reality again. Face it Eleven, don't be coward," he said.

"Running away won't solve anything because someday and somehow, you'll face the things that you feared the most," he added and he slowly disappeared like a sandcastle that was built near the beach, slowly washed away by the waves...

"I am not a coward! I just need some time!" I shouted. "I j-just need some time to sort things out and find a way. Fuck it! I think I am r-really broken, I'm beyond repair."

The land that was once filled with flowers turned into ocean. I'm slowly drowning. I couldn't breathe pero wala akong ginawa upang makabalik ako sa itaas.

I don't really care anymore.

Even in my dreams I couldn't find peace and tranquility. Fuck! Ayoko na. Why do I have to through all of this? Character development? Fuck that shit.

I wish I didn't exist! So that I wouldn't go through all of this.

᯽

I opened my eyes and I found myself in my room. There's sweat dripping down my face and my heart is beating fast like I was being chased by the dogs of the underworld. Fuck that weird dream!

I started to breathe heavily na para bang may humahabol sa akin. I can't deal with this anymore. Tears started to fall down.

Tumayo ako at tiningnan ang sarili ko sa salamin. I see a thin, tall girl who mentally unstable and mentally drained who wanted to take her own life... but she couldn't because there's just something that's stopping her...

Weird...

Eleven, yeah that's my name. Eleven Clevenstine. A teenager who wonders why isn't she pregnant when life fucks her everyday... Assuming that life has a dick...

Nobody dies as a virgin, life fucks us all.

Living is weird and tiring but there's a question that has been stuck in my head and that's why are we even here in the first place? What's the purpose of existing when everything feels like a cycle? A cycle of sadness and a little bit of happiness.

Natatakot ako maging masaya dahil alam ko may kapalit ito. That's how the world works. You laugh a little, you also cry a little but I'm already sick and tired of it.

"Why are we born into this world?" I've asked myself about that a million times already. I don't really know the reason why and if you ask other people, I bet this would be their reply...

"You are born into this world because you have a purpose. You're someone special blah, blah, blah."

Napaka-boring naman ng sagot and it's making me lose my will to live. I know life isn't always full of rainbows and butterflies but may mga araw din na tatanungin mo yung sarili mo kung worth it pa ba mabuhay.

Should I keep on moving forward? Or should I just throw myself into the abyss of darkness and not exist?

My nose started to bleed but I just stared at the ceiling. Damn. Life sure is testing me, nakakapagod na. Siguro mas mabuti pa kung mawala na ako dito sa mundo... I want to kill myself but damn! May pumipigil sa akin, I don't really know what it is... Help me...

"All I know is that if suicide wasn't a sin, I would already be gone a long time ago."