I Tried To Unkill Myself

04

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04 | Graveyard of Forgotten Dreams

What do you want when you grow up?

I smiled bitterly as I remembered that question na tinanong sa akin ng kindergarten teacher ko noon. I am now hiding underneath my bed at bigla kong nakita ang drawings ko noon. I still remembered everything like it was yesterday.

"I want to become an astronaut..."

I can't believe I said that when I was a kid. The kid who was so full of joy and confidence that she can reach her dreams with her own bare hands, the feeling that everything is within her reach.

How naive...

I find it really funny because when you ask a child what they want to be in the future, they will answer you without hesitation but when you ask a teenager, they somehow would have no clue about what they want to be in life.

The older you get and the more you know how this world works, you'll realize that sometimes the dreams that you wanted to reach... you clearly can't have it.

I'm lost, I honestly don't know where I'm going or where I am headed in life.

I'm scared.

I'm afraid of the future, ah hindi pala yung future... I'm just afraid of the uncertainties in life. Baka bukas patay na ako. I just closed my eyes because of frustration, I'm afraid that I might fuck up my life for good.

I'm afraid that I'll end up as a failure and become a laughingstock. I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I didn't notice that the door to my room is already open.

"Eleven? Anak, alam ko na nandito ka sa kwarto. Bakit ka umabsent? Okay ka lang ba?" I can sense the worry in her voice. It's mother... Bakit nga pala ako nagtago? Am I scared that she will get at me mad because I went home?

I slowly crawled out under the bed. Nakita ko agad si mama, bakas sa kanyang mukha na siya ay nag-aalala sa akin.

"Why did you hide?"

I couldn't utter a word to her because I looked like a silly teenager who just lost her mind. Maybe I did lost my mind... My mother just hugged me.

Silence is the only thing that can be heard in the room.

Is living really a good thing? Or is it just another form of suffering? I don't know the answer to this anymore.

My mother led me to the dining room and the both of us were sitting silently. Nakatingin lang ako sa mga prutas na nasa lamesa habang si mama ay kumuha ng juice na nasa loob ng refrigerator.

"I want to have a talk with you Eleven. What's up with your performance in school lately?" tanong sa akin ni mama.

I opened my mouth but no words came out. I just don't think I can tell my mother the thoughts that have been running through my head. Mahirap eh kahit alam ko na gusto lang malaman nila kung anong nangyayari sa kanilang anak....

"Eleven."

I'm tired mom, I don't think I can even go on with my life. I don't think I can go on with this viscous cycle over and over again. Somehow my life became black and white. Everything is dull.

I'm tired.

Is living really worth it?

I heard her sigh at ininom na niya ang juice na galing sa ref.

"It's okay if you can't tell it to me right now sweetheart... but you need to get back on track. It's for your own good Eleven," sabi ni mama and she gave me a gentle kiss on the forehead.

I stayed there, tahimik na nakaupo habang pumunta si mama sa kwarto nila. I guess she just came into the house to get some important papers.

Get back on track..

Get back on track..

GET BACK ON TRACK?

Is it really worth it to get back on track when I'm going to exchange my heart, body and soul for it? I think at this point I'm just an empty vessel roaming this world. I feel like there's a void in my heart and nobody can fill it up.

Narinig ko ang pag-andar ng makina ng sasakyan ni mama. I guess she's going back to her workplace again. They say they will be there for me but... I still feel lonely somehow.

It hurts...

"It hurts, then just feel the pain Eleven. There's nothing to be worried about, feelings exist to be felt."

The voice just came out of nowhere and I knew that it was the guy from before. The one who is always wearing all white and have tiny hourglass like earrings.

"Ikaw na naman?!" I said in an irritated tone. He's the last person I want to see here on Earth.

"Well that hurts," I can sense the sarcasm in his voice. "Do you want to go somewhere with me Eleven?"

"You're a suspicious person. You keep appearing out of nowhere at akala ko nag-suicide ka. Sino ba yung nasa tamang isip na tatalon sa labas ng bintana sa room ko?"

Then there was silence. It was just the two of us, staring at each other's soul but the silence was broken when hw opened his mouth to utter a word.

"Trust me Eleven, I'll answer your questions once we're there. Just take my hand."

There's clouds outside blocking the light of the sun and making the room a little bit darker. His blue eyes glowed a little, like an ice in the deep ocean.

I'm hesitant to take his hand but I have nothing to lose... I'll guess I will go.

I took his hand and I suddenly felt some kind of electric shock. My heart started beating faster. I don't know if I'll regret this later... I closed my eyes and when I opened them.

We are suddenly in a cemetery. Hindi siya ordinaryong sementeryo and sure ako na hindi to makikita sa town namin. But before I could even ask him kung nasaan kami he let go of my hand stepped right in front of me and smiled. It wasn't some kind of creepy smile. It was a smile that said thank you for trusting me.

"Welcome to the graveyard of broken dreams. A place where your dreams won't come true."

I looked around and saw the dead trees. The stem is already pitch black at naririnig ko ang mga uwak. The grasses looked yellowish, almost like its have dead and half alive.

"Why did you bring me here?" I asked him.

"To show you that you're not the only one who have dreams that couldn't be fully grasped. Look, that's the graveyard of your mother's dreams!" He said while pointing at the grey one with black and white paint spilled all over it.

"Your mother wanted to become a painter pero ayaw ng kanyang mga magulang dahil hindi ito praktikal. She's also the eldest in their family so the burden she had to carry and expectations that needed to be met. Ayun, she prioritized what her parents want and not her dreams. Tragic isn't it?"

I just stood there for a while and I'm confused. Everything feels weird.

"What kind of creature are you?" I asked while looking at him.

"Creature... Wow well that's a weird choice of word. Let's just say that I'm an angel, ah hindi pala angel. More like arbitrator, mediator or whatever between heaven and hell."

His blue ocean eyes glowed in contrast to the dull black and white background...

"Your questions have been answered, hasn't it?"

Oh dear, it's far from being answered. It's more like I've dug another rabbit hole for me to be stuck in.