I Tried To Unkill Myself

02

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02 | The Burnt Out Overachiever's Perspective

"Pst! Eleven, anong answer mo sa number 8?" tanong sa akin Eurydice and I looked at her with my two dead eyes.

How can I give her an answer when I haven't even started answering my own questionnaire?

"Eurydice and Eleven stop talking," wika ni Ma'am Faith.

I looked at my questionnaire. Honestly, wala akong maisagot dahil hindi naman ako nagreview at nag-aral kahapon. I don't have any motivation to do stuff like this anymore. It's tiring and sometimes no matter what I do and review, maliit pa rin ang marka na makukuha ko.

So what's the point of sacrificing my sleep and doing all of this?

I sighed at isinulat ko nalang ang letra na sa tingin ko ay tama. Bahala na. Nakakapagod na kasi.

After a few more minutes, everyone is already done with the test. They're discussing about the things and their answers.

"Hala mali ako sa number 5!"

"Hays! Sana nag-aral ako kagabi."

"Feel ko tuloy babagsak na ako."

"Bahala na, basta alam ko tama yung answer ko sa number 1."

I distanced myself from them kasi ayaw ko makinig. Maybe I'm not just in the mood to listen to them chattering or discussing about how they did on the test.

As I started walking towards the lonely/isolated corner of the room. I feel that someone is following me. It was Eurydice.

"Eleven naman, bakit hindi mo sinagot yung tanong ko?" Eurydice asked.

"Paano naman kita sasagutin kung hindi ko pa nga nasisimulang sagutin yung test paper ko at that time?" I replied and she just started laughing. Anong nakakatawa? Minsan napapa-isip nalang ako na baka nai-untog niya yung ulo niya sa pader noong bata pa siya.

"Ah tayo nga palang dalawa yung nasa lower ranking. Hays, pero hoi! I know that you can do better than this, like girl! You used to be top one in this class tapos ngayon nasa lower rank ka na."

As she continues to blabber, I didn't listen. Wala talaga ako sa mood makinig o makipag-usap sa mga tao today. I'm drained. I'm lost.

I'm a burn out overachiever.

Alam n'yo ba yung feeling na you know you can do better but the results of the things you did, didn't reach your expectations.

It's sad. It's irritating and frustrating isn't it?

And in a blink of an eye, the classes ended. Let's skip the boring part where the teacher lectures and I don't really understand kasi lutang ako.

School isn't exciting to me anymore because it seems to be some kind of competition in my eyes na kung saan ang mga estudyante ay nakikipagkumpetensya sa kapwa nila kaklase.

They focus themselves into competing and not learning but in some cases, this won't always be true. There are also some people who focus in improving themselves and try to be better. I shouldn't generalize but it is the truth in my situation.

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I opened my bag and remembered that I left my lunch box at home. I sighed.

"What a lucky day..." I said and I looked at the kids who are already eating.

Mukhang papasok ako sa klase na walang laman ang t'yan. Eurydice wasn't around kaya lumabas nalang ako sa classroom at may nabangga akong lalaki na naka-glasses.