I Tried To Unkill Myself

03

☀︎︎
03 | House Of Cards

I immediately came running straight to my room. I bitterly smiled as I saw my own reflection in the mirror. Nakakainis kasi dahil madali lang mahalata na umiiyak ako.

My eyes are puffy and red. I cry easily... That's what I'm good at.

Crying...

I hate myself, I hate everything and I hate the fact that I am existing right now. I just feel like I'm a burden.

My room looked like a mess right now. My clothes are scattered on the floor and there are also some crumpled papers. I don't even know how my room ended like this. I just continued walking until I reached the bed. Bahala na kung nagkalat yung mga papel at damit ko sa sahig. I somehow don't have the time and energy to clean up the mess I've made.

Pathetic.

Why does everything starts to fall down like a house of cards when you get older?

I guess the more you know how the world works, the more you'll suffer and have the fear to live and breathe everyday. It's scary isn't it? The uncertainties and the unforeseen events that will eventually come.

The neverending list of responsibilities that you'll have once you're getting older. The fact that you'll always have to think that your actions will have consequences, like if you don't study, you'll have bad grades but if you also push yourself to the limit, it might also result to having a mental breakdown and for your mental health to worsen. Lastly, most of the time you'll feel like there's a void in your heart that no one can fill and that no one can understand you.

I'm slowly drowning in my own thoughts, I tried to swim back up but... It's okay to drown right?

I'm already tired of trying to come back up... This is tiring...

I looked at the bedside table and I saw a picture of my younger self. She was smiling and I knew she wasn't faking it. She was happy...

I was happy.

I was holding my birthday cake and wearing a silly birthday hat. There were confettis and birthday decorations everywhere. Everyone I love and cherish the most were around me, they were also happy for me too. I didn't care if I looked dugyot or jejemon at that moment because all of I could think was that it's my birthday and I am that it's my special day.

It was my eleventh birthday and that was probably the last birthday na genuine yung ngiti ko...

When I was young, I thought of birthdays as the day where I would be the most special person in the world but now, it seemed like a reminder that I am taking a step closer to death.

I slowly reached for the photo and touched it and it made me smile for a second. My younger self is so precious, she's something that need protecting but life has other plans for her. Life made her realize that it's not always rainbows and butterflies and it isn't always going to be happily ever after.

I guess all of us will get into the point of our lives when our perspective about life changes and mine was after my eleventh birthday.

At that time, life started to become more dull and the monochromatic colors started to take over.

Noong bata pa ako, lagi kong sinasabi na gusto ko na lumaki kaagad kasi gusto ko na magtrabaho at magkaroon ng pera. To have a taste of freedom, to finally travel the world and do things on my own. Silly me... Sweet, young and naive me...

I never knew that from a child turning into a teenager is hard and confusing but a teenager turning into an adult is harder kasi bigla-bigla nalang kailangan mo na maging responsible. Adulting hits you hard on the face and makes you realize that you have to make decisions that will greatly affect your life.

"Eleven, what an odd name for an odd girl."

Tumayo kaagad ako at tumingin sa aking paligid. Nagtataka kasi ako kung kaninong boses yun, ako lang naman mag-isa sa bahay.

There he is, that boy in my dreams again. His ocean blue eyes - oh wait, that it's not blue like the ocean it's more like an icy blue... It looked like a frozen body of water in the Antarctica. Somewhat like crystal blue eyes? I can't really describe...

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"Why did your parents name you Eleven? I know the reason but I somehow forgot about it. So please answer the question." he asked.

Napakamot nalang ko sa aking ulo and I slowly distanced myself from him. He's a stranger, I don't know him and why is he in my room?!

"Answer my question first and then I'll answer yours. It's a fair trade," sabi ko habang dahan-dahan ko na kinuha ang ballpen na nasa sahig gamit ang aking paa.

"I've been here all along. You just didn't notice me," he said as he casually walks around my room. The place is a mess but I guess he didn't mind.

"Oh I- wait what?!" and before I could even continue to say something else, he already said something.

"Now it's your turn to answer my question. I want a fair trade Eleven."

I blinked twice, ugh! This guy will not stop until he gets the answer that he wants. I'm pretty sure that's it.

"My parents named me Eleven because I was born on November 11 at 11:11 am. November is also the eleventh month of a year. Pretty much when I was born, there's that number 11." I answered his question but it seems like he wasn't satisfied, like a teacher waiting for his student to get the exact and correct answer.

"Is there something wrong?" I asked.

"Oh it's nothing Eleven..." he replied and then there was this awkward silence between us. I look at him and he looks at me.

"Am I going crazy?" I asked.

"You're already crazy," he replied.

He made me laugh for a second and there was something in his eyes that made me feel like my soul was slowly being undressed.

"Who are you?" I asked without even thinking. I've been curious about him. He blinked and once he opened his eyes, he looked away.

"I can't tell you my name because I don't have one. Let's just say that I'm someone who has always been with you but you just never noticed."

He opened the windows and as the light from the sun outside hits his little blue hourglass earrings, he looked at me once again...

"Take care mellilla," he said before jumping off the window. My heart skipped a beat because I thought he committed suicide. Tumingin ako kaagad sa labas ng bintana ngunit wala akong nakitang katawan o senyales na nasa labas na siya.

It was like he disappeared into thin air. Maybe I'm just hallucinating but it somehow felt real... As the wind blows, I somehow felt a little bit better. Parang nakalimutan ko saglit na nagmental breakdown ako kanina.

I unknowingly slowly picked up the clothes that was scattered on the floor. Mukhang dumpsite ang kwarto ko ngayon. I guess kapag nag-usap yung younger version ko at ako ngayon, siguro I would make my younger self cry because of the choices that I've made now. She would be confused on how things ended up like this...

How did I end up like this?

I ended up becoming more fragile and mentally unstable. I am like a house of cards that can easy be ruined with just one touch. This is tragedy...

I suddenly heard someone opening the door to our house. I closed my eyes and hoped that it wasn't my parents.

"Eleven are you home? Bakit ka naman umabsent?"

Oh that familiar voice... I guess luck isn't on my side right now. Shouldn't I hide or should I just tell my parents that I'm here? I always forgot that there will always be consequences to my actions.

Oh fuck maybe I should hide under the bed.