la belle dame sans merci | carlisle cullen

25

Boxing Day came quickly and Minerva was sorry to be dreading it. A part of her, most of her, was antsy to see Carlisle. He was so bright, a burning candle in the dark of her life. It made her feel selfish, stupid. That's why a part of her dreaded his arrival. She tried to clean the house, it had gone to shit in the time she'd kept him away.

At the same time, she tried to make herself look presentable. Every night she went to sleep, she had a different dream that made her wake with a start feeling completely unrested. Truthfully, she felt like she'd been awake the last five days straight.

She carefully covered the dark circles under her eyes but there wasn't much to be done about the bags. Her clothes were simple, jeans and a knit sweater. She commended herself on at least looking put together this time.

Last time she'd seen Carlisle, she was sure she looked as bad as she felt. He knew, of course. She had to do a better job of covering it up. That's why she was wearing the mask today, the whole shebang. Her focus was shot, unfortunately. It felt like all she'd done the last few days was pace.

Now that her eyes and skin had returned to their normal state, she could put her energy into the shop. It was due to open after the new year and she wasn't exactly ready. She'd put excess of power the solstice bestowed her into the garden scape that made up her yard. The harvesting was one thing, the transport was another.

Minerva was glad to have something to bring structure to her days again. Something besides Carlisle, at least. It felt silly. Such a mundane thing for a far from ordinary person to find reason in. She got a lot of satisfaction out of her job. Something good coming from her magic, finally.

It was about noon but due to the fact that time is a sham, Minerva poured herself a drink. Professionals would say she had a problem but she didn't think so. She took the drink out the back, swiping the snow off the seat and settling down. It was chilly but she wouldn't be long.

With a cigarette dangling from her lips, she rooted through her pocket for a light. Sparking the cigarette to life she breathed it in deeply, closing her eyes and leaning back against the cold seat. She stayed like that, the closest to peace she'd felt in days when a knock on the front door disturbed her.

"It's open!" She hollered with a sigh, leaning forward to take a little sip of her drink. The door creaked open inside, "Back here, leave your shoes!" She called.

Carlisle appeared in the sliding door, slipping through the screen to join her. He looked good, as he always did. Hair meticulously styled, his eyes gleamed in the light, smile spread over his lips. "Long time no see. Bit cold out, hm?"

"Yeah, I'm really suckin this back." She muttered, lifting the cigarette from her lips, "I hate Winter."

"How was the solstice?" Apparently her face reacts before she can control it, lips pursing and brows pulling together. Carlisle swipes the snow from the seat and pulls it closer. "Not good?"

"It was.. odd." Minerva sighed, "I only have to face her a couple times a year unless something important comes up. She's never happy with me."

His brows pull together, "I thought you were her favourite or something."

It makes her chuckle, it's the first time she's laughed in days. "I'm her only one but I'm supposed to be the best.. she's not so convinced." She drags off the cigarette, closing her eyes. "She'll take what she can get. You just got here, I don't want you thinking I'm in the gutter or anything."

Carlisle chuckles softly, "I don't think you're in the gutter.. but I did wonder when you already had a drink going at eleven am on a Tuesday."

Her face flushed and she's thankful for the cold to cover it up. "Yeah, that's kind of a give away, huh."

"Do you.." he trailed off for a second, "Don't take this the wrong way, really. Do you think you have a drinking problem?"

An unexpected smile raises to her lips, "I have a drinking solution." She hums, swirling the ice in her glass, "It's not healthy but these are my crutches." She lifts the hand that's wrapped around her glass, cigarette filter between her middle and ring finger. "My liver is pristine, my lungs are golden." She sets the glass down again.

"And your brain?"

"Not deteriorating."

Carlisle shakes his head a little, "That's not what I mean. Your mental health." His eyes are set on hers, a scrutiny like she's never seen in them. She can't bring herself to look away, staring back at him. Gold to Grey.

"It's alright, usually." She allows, "I survive."

"Usually." He repeats, "What does that say about now?"

"What are you a cop?" Minerva chuckles, rubbing her face with the heel of her hand. "Now, I don't know what I am." She took a deep breath, extinguishing her cigarette in the bit of snow on the table. "Let's go in. It sucks out here."

"I hope I didn't annoy you. I just.. I worry." Carlisle says as he follows her inside, slipping his shoes off as soon as they were beyond the threshold.

"You never annoy me." Minerva says earnestly, before continuing. "Irritate the hell outta me with your on the nose intuition? A little. But never annoying." He exhales in a laugh through his nose, "I'm a big girl though, you don't need to worry. I'm good."

"Good or not, I worry." Carlisle admits.

Minerva scoffs, settling down on the couch, "I should be the least of your worries."

"Well, you're not. So, deal with it." He shoots her a grin, resting his hands on his knees as he settles down on the other end of the couch, body turned toward her with his arm resting on the back of the couch. Minerva's stupid, dumbass brain wandered. She couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to close the distance between them. A couch cushion felt like a mile. She just wanted to curl info his side. It was the mundane intimacy she craved the most. It took everything in her not to settle for holding his hand, she'd have to be happy with the space between them.

"Shithead." She muttered, pulling her legs up onto the couch. "How was your Christmas?"

"It was good. The kids had a good one. I've got at least a bookshelf's worth of new books, at least." That grin returns and her heart thunders in her chest. "Little Leaf opens in what.. four days?"

"Yeah. I can't wait." Minerva answers, "Sick of sitting around."

"Flowers look great." He comments, glancing out the windows ahead, "It's so weird to see so much green in the winter."

"It's pretty much the only thing I use magic for anymore." She admits, "Im surprised I haven't been pawned off on Demeter or something."

"That'd be a nice transfer." He chuckled with her, "Is that why she's so angry? She'd rather you use it more?"

"Use it more— use it differently." Minerva rubs her eyes, regretting bringing it up at all. It always comes back to this. "She's not a benevolent goddess."

Carlisle nods ever so slightly, "I see." She wonders if he really does. If he could possibly even guess what horrors she'd done to keep the goddess happy— worse than that, for her own fulfillment. She raised the drink to her lips, closing her eyes as she did.

"Does alcohol bother you? I know you don't really drink. I probably should have asked.. much sooner."
She asks hesitantly, wiping her mouth with her sleeve.

"No, no." Carlisle assures, "It's not the alcohol, it's just you." There's something about the tenderness with which he says it. It's just you.

For a moment, Minerva is paralyzed before she wills herself to nod. Every time Carlisle opened his stupid mouth, she fell a little further. She hoped distance would do this affliction good but that was proving to be far from true. Apparently there's something to distance making the heart grow fonder. Her heart sung for him and she was thankful to the gods that the sound was trapped in her rib cage.